Love Like Winter
by MandyLeigh87
Summary: Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind...For who could ever learn to love a beast? B/E Inspired by Beauty and the Beast AH
1. Prologue

**Edward**

The last thing I remember before everything went black, except for the fiery hate burning behind his eyes, was her. And just before he hit me that last time, I smiled. I fucking smiled. I was at peace. For the first time in seven years I felt a stillness settle within me.

I glanced behind him and pleaded with her to leave it alone. I was okay with dying for her if that's what this was. She saw past all my indiscretions, all my scars and my demons. And she loved me. God she loved me. If that was all I knew of love in my entire life it was more than enough. I didn't deserve it and I never asked for it. It's funny how things find you when you need to be found. I was so fucking lost and she saved me.

"Edward!" She screamed. I closed my eyes as she started towards us but it was too late.

"I love you Bella," I whispered. The last blow hit right below my eye and that was it. I was lost again to the darkness.

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**Welcome to Love Like Winter! In case you haven't figured it out already, this fic was inspired by Beauty and the Beast so if you're a Disney freak, you're in the right place. I hope the prologue doesn't scare you away and I hope you stick with it. **

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**Visit the LLW blog for playlists, pictures, teasers ect.  
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	2. The Basket Case

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer, Bella and the Beastward is all mine. **

**kdillin has graciously offered to beta for me again : )**

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"I heard he's a basket-case," Alice whispered, glancing quickly over at the blonde guy coming towards us.

"He sends that guy into town every now and then to get him things, but I heard he like…never leaves the house. I heard he's like…deformed or something."

"And let me guess you heard all of this from Jessica?" I rolled my eyes and pulled a bottle of shampoo from the shelf.

I hated shopping, even grocery shopping. Even if I make a list, I always seem to forget something. _It's not like they don't have shampoo in Europe, Bella. _I shook my head as we continued down the aisle. Alice diverted her eyes to the floor when the guy passed us. She was always convinced people knew when you were talking about them but it never stopped her from gossiping with Jessica.

Blonde guy smiled slightly, nodded as he passed us and continued on with his cart full of groceries.

"Anyway, what the hell am I going to do without you this whole time? I mean why do you want to go to Europe anyway?" She crossed her arms in front of her and scowled.

"Alice, do you really have to ask me why I'm going to Europe?" I stopped the cart and cocked my eyebrow at her.

"Okay well there's the food…and the sights…and the accents…and the…boys. You're not allowed to elope with a European unless he has a brother."

"Okay I promise." I laughed and glanced through the toothbrushes. "You know I am backpacking right? I mean it's not going to be this glamorous European vacation. I just need some time to sort things out."

"Just because you graduated college six months ago and haven't found a job yet does not mean you're totally hopeless. I mean it definitely doesn't warrant going insane and spending all of your money on a solo trip through Dracula country."

"I don't know if I'll ever have the chance or the money again." I shrugged. "I'd rather spend it on something I'll enjoy than just sitting here and watch it dwindle away. Life's too short." I bit down on my lip and glanced through my list one last time. "Okay I think I have everything let's go."

I waited for Alice to peruse through the magazines while I stood in line. I found myself looking around and people watching, a symptom of my restless mind. My breath hitched in my throat when I noticed Blonde guy in the line beside us. He was loading the last contents of his cart onto the belt. It looked like he was stocking up for the apocalypse.

I'd heard all the rumors about _him_, the guy Blondie supposedly works for. Edward Cullen. He lives up in the hills in his family's huge mansion, or so I heard. He hasn't been seen in years and hasn't been into town since his parents died. I wasn't sure I believed all the hype about him. There was definitely something mysterious about him, but I'd never met the guy. He's just about as real to me as the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus.

"Miss?"

I shook away my thoughts and turned back to the cashier.

"I'm sorry?" I asked, smiling apologetically.

"Your total is $52.45."

I nodded and handed her my credit card as Alice organized the bags in our cart.

We made our way out to my piece of shit truck and loaded the groceries in the back. I pulled open the squeaky door and was just about to get in when I heard the only sound that could completely ruin my day.

"Bella!" Alec yelled. I groaned and turned around, planting a fake smile on my face before he saw me. "I was hoping I'd run into you before you left." Alice cleared her throat and jumped into the truck. "Have you thought about what I asked you?" He leaned closer.

"Yeah I just…I don't think I'm ready for a commitment right now. I'm leaving for a few months and I just…" I trailed off. Alec was a nice kid but we'd gone out on two dates and he won't stop calling me. I think he already went and picked out an engagement ring. He seems like the perfect guy, just not perfect for me. I haven't had the nerve to be a complete bitch to him so I thought this little separation would help him move onto someone else. Or, perhaps to another city.

"Maybe when you get back then?"

"I don't think so Alec. I just don't think we'd work. I'm sorry." I nodded apologetically. "I'll see you around." I hopped in the truck and gunned it out of the parking lot. I'm pretty sure I cracked the shit out of Charlie's eggs.

"Okay Bella that guy is creepy," Alice turned around and glanced back at the parking lot. I looked up in the rearview mirror and grimaced when I saw him pacing back and forth in the parking spot we'd just vacated.

"He's nice." I gulped.

"I don't think I would call texting, emailing and face booking you within the span of one hour nice."

"He'll get over it. It's not like he can't find someone else." I knew all of the girls used to follow him around like fricking lap dogs. Maybe he'll adopt one of them.

She laughed under her breath and stared out the window. "Oh Bella…"

"What?"

"You don't see yourself clearly. All the guys in town completely fall all over you and you're completely oblivious."

"Am not. I'm just not…I don't care about it. Ali you know I love you, but you like all this small town gossip shit. It's not me. I'm not into it." I pulled into Charlie's and turned the truck off.

Alice started running her fingers along the armrest on my door and bit down on her lip. "So I guess this is it now right? You're leaving?"

"I'm not leaving forever."

"Yeah." She nodded and glanced at me from the corner of her eye. "Well I guess I'll see you in a few months then." She forced a smile and reached across the cab to give me a hug. The seats made an awkward sound and we both started laughing, thankfully breaking the tension. "Send me a postcard if you can!"

"I'll try!" I hopped out of the truck and carried the groceries inside.

"Hi honey." My dad Charlie sat on the couch drinking a beer while he watched an old Mariner's games on ESPN.

"Hey. I'm just going to pack some of my stuff up and take off." I put Charlie's groceries away and started upstairs.

"Are you sure you don't want me to take you?" He yelled in between batters.

"Yeah it's fine. Jake's friend has an old barn right down the road from the small airport. I'm just going to park it there and I can get it when I come back. I don't want to be a hassle."

"You're not a hassle."

"I know, but…It's fine." I threw my new supplies into my bag and stomped back down the steps.

"Well alright. You better get going though it looks like a blizzard is coming in. I hope your flight gets out okay. Will you call me from the airport?"

I glanced down at my phone and sighed when I saw the 'low battery' light blinking. "I don't know if I'll be able to, my phone is going to die. I'll see if I can find a payphone." I shook my head and stuffed it into my back pocket.

Charlie stood from the couch and shuffled awkwardly towards me. We were never really big on affection, but we definitely understood each other. To be honest I was a little worried about him being here all alone for the winter. Alice promised to stop in every now and then just to make sure he was eating something other than Hungry Man dinners every night so that made me feel a little better.

"I know you might not have access to a phone and I'll be worried sick the whole time, but try to call me or something if you can okay? Europe's a big place for my little girl, but I know you can do it baby." He reached out and gave me the one armed hug as we headed for the door.

"I'll try Dad. Just…don't worry okay? I know what I'm doing."

"I know, I know. Just like your mother." He rolled his eyes and opened the door for me. "I love you Bella."

"Love you too Dad. Alice will be by next week, please at least be showered."

He laughed and gave me a slight wave as I threw my bag in the back of the truck. I looked around the house one last time before hopping in and pulling out of the driveway.

I passed through town and didn't feel one ounce of sadness for leaving it. I'll miss Alice and my Dad but this town isn't home to me. I've never felt it. I've never belonged. I want more.

The snow started before I was halfway through town and I was hoping that my piece of shit truck would hold up. You'd think since it was a truck it'd be fine, but saying that it was a little rough around the edges would be the biggest understatement in the history of man.

I came to a fork in the road and contemplated before taking the road on the left. I hadn't driven to the airport in such a long time that I had to look at the map. Aside from my stubbornness, I also inherited the need to do things on my own just like my father. I was such a guy when it came to asking for directions.

I continued the journey to the airport, becoming more and more anxious about the weather. No wonder that Cullen guy sends Blondie in for winter supplies. I wouldn't want to trek through this whenever I needed candy or some milk either. I could barely see the road in front of me and there were already drifts starting to form along the sides of the road.

I bit down on my lip and tried to tell myself to calm down. I hated driving in nasty weather and Mother Nature was turning into a downright bitch. I half contemplated turning around and having Charlie drive me, but there's no way I'd make my flight if I did that.

I jumped when something started sputtering from the hood of my car.

"What the hell?" I pushed down on the gas a little harder and it sputtered again. "Come on. Just stay with me for a little while longer." There was a loud pop and the truck shuddered before slowing to a complete stop. I slammed down on the gas pedal hoping it would somehow come back to life but I was sorely disappointed. "Damnit," I whispered.

I cursed again and reached in my pocket for my phone. It was completely dead. Not even enough juice to tell me that it was almost out of juice.

I looked behind me to see if there was any sign of life, but of course there wasn't. It was way too deserted up here. And plus with the horrible weather it didn't surprise me I was the only one up here. _Well almost the only one._

I passed by his gate about a half mile back. I knew it was his because of the large "C" twisted in the metal at the entrance. I couldn't see the house as I drove by; it was too far back. I don't think it could even be seen on a clear day. It looked like the driveway twisted and curved back up the hill and through the trees.

"He can't be that bad right?" I whispered, trying to convince myself. I can't just stay out here. I have a bottle of water, candy bar and a truck that refuses to cooperate. I'll freeze to death before morning.

I took a deep breath and gathered up my things. I opened the door to the truck and blinked out into the blizzard that surrounded me. The cool air caused a shiver to run through my entire body, almost down to the bone. I yanked my bag from the back and slammed the door before starting to trek back down the way I just came from. The tire tracks were enough to guide me back, but they were already starting to disappear under the blanket of falling snow.

The howl of a wolf echoed out from the darkness and I cowered back into my coat, wrapping it closer around me as I continued back towards the gate. I had no idea what I planned on doing once I got there, but it was better than sitting in the truck. Maybe they had a phone I could use or something. Charlie could come and get me and I could just take the first flight out once the storm clears.

I sighed in relief when I saw the shadow of the towering gate in front of me. I took the last few steps and grasped onto the ice cold metal. Should I scream for help? I didn't see any kind of intercom or button to let them know I was here. But why should there be? No one comes up here anyway. It's not like they're expecting someone.

I leaned forward against the gate and was surprised when it creaked open. I hesitated before pushing harder against it, forcing it open against the wet, heavy snow. I trudged up what I thought was the driveway. In all honesty I couldn't really tell one way or another, but there was a small break in the trees so I assumed that's where it was.

Ten minutes later I could see the shape of the mammoth house forming in front of me. I squinted in the falling snow as I approached. There was a large fountain in front, looking completely neglected and abandoned. Several statues either stood straight or were completely toppled over by the entrance. It seemed dark…cold. And not from the weather. There was one window on the second story that glowed faintly in the dreary gray weather.

I took a deep breath before stepping up to the front door and knocking. The front door slipped open, just like the gate had. I was a little more hesitant to step into the house so I peeked my head inside and looked around. It looked completely deserted. I was looking into what looked like an entry hall with impossibly high ceilings and an unlit chandelier. There was a grand staircase in front of me that split halfway up and ascended in opposite directions.

"Hello?" I called. I took a tentative step inside and closed the door behind me. I shook the snow off me and looked around. "Hello?" I called again.

"What are you doing here?"

I jumped and grabbed at my chest as I turned towards the voice. I instantly recognized the guy from the grocery store earlier and was slightly relieved that it wasn't Edward.

"I…" I stammered. "I'm so sorry to intrude, the door was open." I pointed behind me. "My car broke down; I was on my way to the airport. I just need to use a phone."

"I'm sorry we don't have any phones."

My brow furrowed in confusion. "I'm sorry?"

He nodded to my left and I noticed a phone laying on the floor, cords splayed out around it. Almost like it had been ripped from the wall.

"Um…okay. Do you have a cell phone or something I could borrow?"

He shrugged apologetically and I began to understand how isolated they really were up here. I wonder what could make someone want to live like this. Completely cut off from the world.

"Okay well I'm sure you have electrical outlets right?" I sighed.

"That we have." A slight smile formed on his lips as he crossed his arms.

"Do you mind if I plug my cell phone in? It's dead."

"Of course."

I smiled and started digging through my bag looking for my phone. I grew more and more panicked when I couldn't find it. "Damn it," I whispered. I glanced behind me at the door, wondering if I'd dropped it somehow along the way. I must have.

"Is there a problem?" He asked.

"Yeah. I must have dropped it. I'll go look for it." I started to turn around.

"Don't be ridiculous. There's no way you'll find it in this storm." His voice was a little less welcoming. Not mean, just slightly irritated. Maybe, scared? I didn't understand why.

Even though I knew he was right I didn't want to believe it. I needed to get out of here somehow. "Would you mind driving me back into town? I mean I saw you…at the grocery store earlier, so I know you drive." I bit my lip and looked around.

"I would, but there's no way we'd make it down into town in this storm."

"When it's cleared up then?"

He laughed a little under his breath and shook his head. "So you saw me at the store earlier right? I'm sure you know why, I'm not immune to the things people say."

"That you're getting supplies for the winter?"

He nodded. "Those roads out there, they're completely impassible during the winter. What were you even doing out there?"

"I was on my way to the airport."

"Well you took the wrong road." He laughed. "That fork you hit awhile back? You should have gone right."

"Are you serious?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?" He smiled and cocked his eyebrow.

"Shit." I clenched my eyes shut. "Now what do I do?" I opened my eyes again and ran my fingers through my hair.

He stared at me for a long moment as he tapped his finger against his chin. "I'm Jasper," he said. "And you'll stay here."

"I can't…I can't stay here," I stammered.

"Well we don't really have another choice do we?"

I shivered when I felt someone watching us and glanced up to the second story. I could almost see the shape of someone standing in the shadows and I knew it must be _him_.

"Jasper she can't stay here," he snapped. His voice was flat, monotone. There was no feeling or inflection. It was dead.

I squinted into the darkness trying to see him, but it was useless. He was blanketed in complete darkness.

"Excuse me for one moment." Jasper smiled and slowly made his way up the stairs. He disappeared as well as he stepped next to Edward, but I could hear them whispering. I looked away embarrassed because I knew they were talking about me. I ran my finger along the strap of my bag as my eyes danced around the room. I could tell this house was beautiful once. Hell it still is breathtaking, it's just been neglected. I guess it just isn't living up to its potential.

The next thing I knew Jasper was scurrying back down the stairs. "Can I take your bag?" I paused for a moment before handing it over to him. "I'm sorry about that," he continued. "He's not used to having strangers around."

"It's okay. I'm Bella."

"It's nice to meet you Bella." Jasper started up the stairs, willing me to follow. I chanced a glance over where Edward was standing and was a little relieved to find him gone. I had a feeling I wasn't welcome here, not by him anyway. I guess I'd have to avoid him as much as possible until I can get out of here.

We took the stairs that led away from where Edward had stood and started down a long hallway. Jasper stopped at the second door and stepped inside. He flipped on the lights and I noticed it was a bedroom, complete with a beautiful stone fireplace in the corner. The room almost looked like it'd never been used. It was completely untouched, unlike the rest of the house. It didn't even show the signs of neglect apparent everywhere else.

"This is the nicest guest room we have so I hope it will do." He set my bag down on the bed. "I can start a fire. I know it's really drafty in here. There's a small bathroom off this room which you'll have all to yourself. I live in a small guest house outside beside the gardens. Feel free to explore the rest of the house, but I would avoid the other side of the stairs. Edward is very…particular."

"He doesn't want me here does he?" I sat down on the bed.

Jasper smiled and started towards the door. "I'm going to get some wood for your fire." He opened the door and turned back. "Make yourself at home."

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**A/N: Hey guys! I realized I wouldn't be able to update SL for a little bit bc of finals so I figured I could at least put another chapter of this up so thank you for reading! And thank you for the amazing response to the prologue I was completely blown away : ) Glad to see there are other Disney pervs out there.  
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**Please check out the blog and sign up for updates on it. Once I start posting more regularly I'll post teasers and things there as well as the Twilighted thread and twitter.**

**Thanks again. Good luck on final exams to anyone out there in the same boat I'm in. Now get off ff and go study : )  
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	3. The Prince

**Twilight is property of Stephenie Meyer, but Bella and the Beastward is mine : )**

**kdillin betas for me and she's amazing. *high five*  
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**Edward**

I smelled the blood before I even opened my eyes. I pretended it was a dream for a few minutes before I finally forced myself to wake up. I sat up, breathing hard and labored as I looked around the darkness of my room. I could almost feel someone watching me. Something wasn't right. Something felt off. Wrong.

"Mom?"

The floorboards creaked outside of my bedroom door like someone was walking down the hallway. I closed my eyes and wiped my sweaty palms down the sheets on my bed.

"Mom?" I called again. I swung my legs over the side of my bed and stumbled across the floor. I pulled my door open and peeked my head out. The hallway looked completely empty. I took a few deep breaths and slowly made my way towards their room.

As I got closer I heard my mother crying behind their closed door and I cursed under my breath. That was my fault. I'd screwed up again. I honestly didn't give a fuck about what I did, just the fact that I got caught. For one moment I felt guilty for making her so upset, for blowing up at her earlier. That moment quickly passed. I was a selfish prick and I knew it, just like everyone else did. I wasn't going to pretend I was anything different, even to my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love them. They've given me everything I have, my entire empire, if you could call it that. I was the fucking prince at the academy and I knew I was untouchable.

"Mom?" I knocked softly and waited. She cried again. "Damnit," I whispered. "Listen Mom don't worry about what happened earlier okay? Everything's fine. I'm…" I was going to say I was sorry but that word didn't exist to me. I was never sorry about anything. I took what I wanted and didn't give anything back. It wasn't something I was ashamed of, even though I think somewhere deep down I knew I should be.

"Will you please just…stop crying?" I clenched my fists at my sides and shook my head. "Please?" I listened at the door for a few more moments. Complete silence.

"Thank you," I mumbled under my breath. As I turned to walk away a loud thud from behind the door caught my attention. I almost kept walking back to my room, but that strange feeling of anxiety from before crept back into my veins. Something was wrong.

"Mom?" I knocked again. Silence. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes as I gripped the door knob. "I'm coming in."

The rusty stench of blood assaulted my nose as I inched the door open. The room was still dark as hell so I reached beside me to turn on the light. I squinted as the bright flash momentarily blinded me and held my hand out in front of me as a shield. When I could finally see again, I wished I hadn't.

Red. There was red everywhere. Splattered, across the white walls. Pooled, on the white carpet. Spilling out from the gaping wound in my mother's neck. Her eyes were staring straight ahead, her cheeks still damp from her tears. I didn't have to check to know it. She was dead.

I stumbled backwards and tripped over something that sent me crashing back into the wall. I slumped down to the floor when I saw my father's body laying on the floor beside me. The heavy scent of the blood was making me naseuous and dizzy. I felt the world start to blur around me as the two dark figures stepped in front of me.

"Hello Edward," one snarled as he knelt down. I sat there completely frozen with fear while I waited for the certain death I knew was coming.

"No," I murmured.

"Edward!" Something hit my shoulder.

"No," I said again.

"Edward!" Jasper hit my shoulder again, jolting me awake from my nightmare. I shot-up, beads of sweat rolling down my skin as I tried to catch my breath.

"What?"

"I'm going into town, do you need anything?"

I bit down on my lip and shook my head. "No just get the list."

"Alright, I'll be back later."

He left me sweaty and panting in my bed. As Jasper closed the door, the room was once more enveloped in the darkness. I ran my fingers through my hair and slowly got out of bed. I walked around and brushed my fingers against the heavy fabric of the curtains before pulling them open, just enough to let a little light in.

I glanced up at the threatening clouds over the horizon and cursed Jasper for waiting this long to get winter supplies. If he would have waited one more day we would have been fucked. The snow is coming today. I can feel it.

I shuffled over to the chest and rifled through the drawers for a shirt. I grabbed the first one I could find and pulled it over my head. As I turned towards the door, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. My image was fragmented and broken, distorted by the cracks in the mirror that rippled from where my fist hit it.

I took a few steps closer and examined my face. The thin lines across it, crisscrossed and sliced across the flesh aren't as prevalent as they once were but I wasn't fucking blind. I knew what I was to them. To everyone, I was a fucking monster. My scars are like a scrapbook of all the shit I messed up and everything I lost. Except that I didn't get to choose when to pull it out and take a trip down memory lane. My own reflection was a constant reminder.

I slipped on my running shoes and pulled on a sweatshirt before I headed outside. I figured I could at least get a decent run in before the blizzard started. It wasn't like I wouldn't go out once it snowed, but I wasn't going to be happy about it. Or I guess you could say I'd be more pissy about it. I wouldn't call myself fucking happy right now at all.

I wanted it back. I wanted it all back. I know it cost me everything, but I couldn't help but need it. This life that I was living now wasn't a life at all. I was surviving. And even that was questionable.

The cold, crisp air hit me like a ton of bricks as I jogged out into the yard. I passed by the greenhouse in the back and chanced a quick glance at it. I still couldn't find the balls to go in there. It was my mother's favorite place and I made Jasper promise to keep it up. I didn't understand why, but I couldn't watch it die like I watched her die. From here I could barely see the bright red of the roses through the frosted windows, but I knew they were there.

I disappeared into the woods and took the normal trail that I always do. Ten minutes later the snow started falling around me, but I kept going. Jasper won't be back for a couple of hours and the snow probably hadn't even started in town yet. I had no reason to go back.

I took the small trail that broke off to my right and slowed as I entered the small meadow. The white flecks of snow were just starting to show up on the green grass. I wiped my brow as I spotted the two marble stones across the way. They sat underneath the only tree in the clearing. In the summer it looked beautiful with its long branches, but now it was just dead. The leaves had long gone, leaving only lifeless branches hanging meekly from the trunk.

I glanced down at the names on the headstones and bit down on my lip.

_**Carlisle and Elizabeth Cullen**_

Despite the fact that I was a horrible son, they were the only family I had. My grandparents on both sides were either dead or absent. My Grandma Masen made a quick appearance at the funeral long enough to tell me how much I disgusted her and then she was gone again. According to my mother, they had a falling out when she married my dad and hadn't spoken much since then. I'd only met her once before the funeral and she reminded me of the Crypt Keeper.

I didn't know why I always came here. Every time I went for a run I unconsciously found myself heading this way. It was my parents' favorite spot. They actually got married out here in the meadow. My father had inherited the house from his parents when they died and I was the only person left after he was gone. And after I was gone there would be no one. No one will come and visit my grave when I'm gone. No one will miss me. Jasper is my only friend and hell I don't even know if he'll show up to my funeral.

He says I'm morbid, too dark. He says that I'm young and shouldn't live my life cooped up in that damn house all the time. He should know better than anyone that no one wants me. They like me up here. They're safe from me up here. They don't have to look at me or deal with my bullshit. It's better that way. And I just don't give a fuck - about any of it.

I started chewing on the drawstring of my hoodie as my eyes washed over the names again. I still haven't said the words to them. I haven't even fucking thought them. I thought after the funeral and after I'd come to terms with everything that happened I could tell them everything. I could tell them that I'm…But I don't. And I can't.

I took a deep breath as I slowly turned around and started back to the house. By the time I got back the snow was really starting to come down. There was already a light layer of white powder across the lawn and the outside of the house. I knew once the wind started it would only take a few hours to coat everything completely. And then I'd really be cut off.

When I got back I took a shower and popped the last Hot Pocket into the microwave. The kitchen was pretty much the only place there was any form of advanced technology in the house. I'd learned fast enough that a phone was my worst enemy. If it wasn't the prank calls, it was the reporters. I guess most people would find that strange but Jasper is the only person I ever talk to so I got used to it. I tried watching television, but one night after a news story about my parents I had a breakdown and smashed all the televisions in the house. I knew I was a short fuse and anything and everything set me off. Jasper said I had a temper. I told him if he'd seen his parents get slaughtered and had a face like mine he'd be a little agitated too.

By the time I was finished eating Jasper was back with the supplies. I stood silently at the counter as he scurried around the kitchen, putting things away. I noticed he got Lucky Charms cereal. I fucking love Lucky Charms. That'd be a good snack for later.

"Don't help at all asshole," he muttered.

"Fuck off." I shuffled back upstairs and headed towards the library. It really used to be my father's study, but it was mostly full of books. The fireplace in the corner was the only thing not made of paper on any of the walls. A large leather couch and one of those ugly-ass bear skinned rugs sat in front of it. A baby grand piano was tucked in the other corner.

I made my way over to the fireplace and poked around some of the ashes and burnt wood from last night's fire. I reached down and grabbed a match, lighting it quickly and setting the kindling on fire. I threw the match into the fire and stood up before opening the cabinet beside me. It held several liquor bottles and clean glasses.

I sat in my chair for the next hour getting drunk and staring like a catatonic into the flames of the fire. That's all the last few years had been - a blurry of alcohol, flames and my piano. It was the only thing I fucking cared about at all anymore. I didn't care about the house, or the town and I sure as hell didn't care about all those people who lived in it. They didn't give a shit about me. They feared me. For no fucking reason other than the way I looked, they hated me. I used to think it was God's way of punishing me for how I used to be. I was one good looking bastard if I say so myself.

I eventually drifted over to the piano and allowed my fingers to ghost over the keys. I never really used much sheet music, just played whatever I was feeling. I remembered some songs from back when I took lessons, but I usually screwed up halfway through and got pissed. Then I'd either tell the piano to go fuck itself or just back away in fear of breaking it like I'd done everything else in this house.

I idly glanced outside as my fingers momentarily paused and blinked into the white blizzard in the yard. I laughed darkly to myself thinking about how everyone in town was going to be bitching about driving in it tomorrow.

My head snapped towards the door when I heard a voice. It was soft, distinctly feminine - definitely not Jasper.

"Do you mind if I plug my cell phone in? My battery's dead." The voice asked.

I stood up and slowly crept over towards the door. I inched it open ever so slightly and peeked my head out. Through the banister I could barely see soft, brown curls of hair. They completely covered her face as she dug around in her bag for something. I slinked along the way, concealing myself completely in the shadows. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. It was almost like I was in a fucking trance or something. I mean I know I hadn't really had any interaction with a woman in years, but this was different. This was gravity.

I knew my body was panicking. I wasn't sure if it was from the simple fact that someone else was in my house or that it was her, whoever she was. My breath hitched in my throat when she shook her head and stood up. The curls floated away from her face, revealing the rosiest cheeks I'd ever seen before. No doubt part of it was from the cold, but I had a feeling it was a part of her as well.

I narrowed my eyes as I examined her closer. She and Jasper seemed to be having some kind of conversation, but it was all mumbled to me. I started trembling when she bit down on her lip and looked around the room. I backed up unconsciously, thinking that she could see me. I didn't want her to see me. I didn't want anyone to see me.

She smiled a little and I groaned as I felt myself grow hard against my boxers.

"Fuck," I mumbled. I closed my eyes and shook my head, hoping it would erase her from it. It only made it worse of course, which didn't help. It was like I couldn't fucking control it or anything. Damn thing had a mind of its own and it hadn't seen a beautiful woman in so long I guess I couldn't blame it. "This is ridiculous…" I muttered. She needs to leave. Now!

"And you'll stay here." I glared at Jasper, even though he couldn't see me. What the hell did he think he was doing?

"I can't stay here," the girl mumbled.

"Well we really don't have another choice do we?" Jasper cocked his head to the side and I'm sure he flashed her one of those "My shit don't stink" smiles he pulls on me every once in awhile.

This couldn't be fucking happening. It would be a disaster. I didn't want to deal with her. I couldn't deal with her staring at me or the words that she would say about me once she saw me. I'm sure she was just like all the others. She must have gone to public school because I had no idea who she was, but it didn't matter. She needed to leave.

"Jasper she can't stay here," I snapped. I crossed my arms and cowered back again into the darkness.

"Excuse me one moment." Jasper bounded up the stairs as the girl stared up after us. I assumed from the look on her face that she hadn't seen me.

"She can't stay here," I whispered once Jasper had reached me.

"Edward…" He said softly.

"No."

"Do you want me to kick her out in this weather? If the blizzard didn't kill her the wild animals surely would."

"You know….what this means. You know what I've gone through."

"Yeah I hear about it every damn day. Are you done being a whiney ass?" Jasper cocked his eyebrow and crossed his arms.

I knew he wasn't going to back down. Just like I knew there was no way in hell I was going to let her leave. I was in quite a fucking conundrum to say the least. I'd become almost paralyzed with fear thinking of someone else in my house, but at the same time I didn't want her to leave. _Just avoid her Edward. _

"Fine." I took a step forward and harshly poked Jasper on his chest. "But tell her to stay the fuck away from me."

"Whatever ass." He turned around and started back down the stairs. I glanced down at the girl one last time and found her staring right at me. The heat of my blush radiated through my whole body even though I knew she didn't see me.

I quickly retreated back to my room and closed the door behind me. I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath until my head starting spinning. I slid down the back of the door, pulling and tugging at my hair as I tried to catch my breath.

I looked down at the peak in my sweatpants and sighed. I leaned my head back against the door and reached down, releasing myself from my sweats. I licked my lips and thought about the beauty downstairs, who was now probably upstairs and getting settled. I stroked myself up and down, becoming more and more urgent in my movements. The image of her was permanently etched in my mind. Damn she was beautiful. I groaned and slammed my head back as I found my release.

Afterward I cleaned myself up a little and shuffled over to the chair in the corner. I pulled back the curtains and watched the moonlight inch across the sparkling white snow covering the entire outside world. I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep until Jasper said my name.

"Wake up Sleeping Beauty." He kicked my chair.

I blinked a few times and slowly readjusted myself to a more comfortable position on the chair. "Wrong fairytale,' I mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Well Bella's all settled. I told her not to come over here since you're so anal retentive and an all out grump."

"Bella?"

"That's her name."

"Not surprised," I whispered.

"What was that?" Jasper asked.

"Nothing."

"Alright well I'm heading to bed." He turned towards the door. "And Edward." He turned back. "I know you won't, but you should really give her a chance. She might be good for you."

I laughed under my breath and turned my eyes back outside as Jasper walked out.

It was ironic wasn't it? Her name was Bella. Beautiful. Beauty. And I was nothing but a beast. I couldn't be good for her, so why should I even put forth the effort? I might as well be what they all want me to be because there is no way she'll see past all this bullshit. No way she could see me for me. And even if she could, I know she wouldn't like what she saw. My skin isn't the only thing that's flawed. This wasn't a fucking miracle story like everyone reads in their stupid books or watches on their television. 'Tale as old as time?', sounds like a crock of shit to me.

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**A/N: First wanted to say THANK YOU! There has been an amazing response to this story so far and I really appreciate it. I'm really excited to write it and I'm excited for you to read it. Please check out and follow the blog for teasers, playlists, news ect.**

**Just wanted to answer a few questions people asked:**

**1. Is there J/B in this story?: Not the way you're thinking. Jasper is a very friendly guy compared to Edward and he's honestly just happy to have someone other than the grump to talk to. So please don't think he's trying to jump Bella's bones, he's just stuck up there and is excited to have someone else around.**

**2. How are the other characters coming into play?: Honestly this story will primarily focus on B and E, obviously with some Jasper thrown in there. I wanted this story to revolve around B and E and their relationship and development. The other characters are very, very minor.**

**3. What happened to Edward?: All shall be revealed in due time.  
**

**4. Is this story going to have a HEA? (As in are you going to kill Edward?): I don't want to give too much away on this one, but I know a lot of you were worried from the prologue. We will eventually make it to my version of a HEA. That's all I'll say about that. I hope you'll stick around for it.**

**Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed, retweeted, and recc'd this story. I'm officially on winter break so I'm hoping to get a lot of writing done. Hopefully I'll get at least one more update of this and Secret Life out before I go back to school. XOXO  
**


	4. Thorns

**Twilight belongs to S.M.**

**Thanks to my beta kdillin  
**

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**Bella**

I jolted up out of my bed and immediately started panicking. It didn't smell like my room. The blanket didn't feel like my blanket. Everything was different. I wasn't at home.

I scrambled out of the bed and felt along the wall until I reached the light switch. I breathed a momentary sigh of relief when I realized where I was. All the memories from that disaster of an attempted trip came flooding back to me. I was at the Cullen's mansion up in the hills. Stuck up here with their grump of a son until the snow melted enough to get me the hell back into town.

I'd fallen sleep last night in my clothes, which was uncomfortable to say the least. I crossed the room and rifled through my bag for some clean clothes. I pulled out a long t-shirt and jeans along with my shower supplies before venturing towards the bathroom.

I turned on the light and nearly dropped my shit all over the floor. The bathroom was immaculate. The largest and most beautiful claw foot tub sat in the corner looking like it had never been used. There was a sink and toilet on the opposite side, as well as towels just waiting to be used in all shades of red.

I set my things down on the floor and started the water in the tub, turning up the hot water as much as possible. I was still freezing from last night. Jasper wasn't kidding when he said it was drafty in here. The fire helped a little bit, but I could still feel the frigid air from outside escaping in. Or maybe it was the cold reception I'd received from Edward.

Once the tub was filled, I stripped out of my clothes and lowered myself into the steaming water. I shivered a little as I began to warm up and leaned my head back against the edge of the tub.

I didn't understand why he was so upset. I mean I know that I was intruding and all that but at the same time I didn't ask to get stranded here. I don't want to be here as much as he doesn't want me here. I was beginning to understand why no one in town liked him.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't curious about him though. He's about my age, through what I've heard through Alice's gossip. He went to the academy, which is some rich hoity-toity private school in Port Angeles. Apparently he was incredibly popular, big man on campus. After his parents died he just kind of dropped off the map. Everything else in town was whispered rumors kept behind closed doors.

It was big news when the Cullens were murdered up here. They were major players in the hospital and had owned this house for generations. The police caught the guys who did it about a month after it happened. Apparently it was some kind of robbery gone bad but that was all I ever heard about it. Edward became the phantom of Forks after that. The only thing we ever saw of him was Jasper coming into town periodically. I don't even think I've seen a picture of Edward since it happened. He was always really handsome from what I remember from the news. I remember catching flashes of his school pictures during the reports but there was never any video of him from the trial.

I allowed myself to sink under the water and wet my hair before popping back out. My hands rested lightly on the surface of the water as I contemplated the disaster I currently found myself in. First, Edward was an asshole. Second, there was a part of him, and I didn't know how dominant that part might be, that wanted me gone from his house. And third…I was unconditionally and unrevvocably about to punch him in the face for being so fucking rude. I didn't even know why it pissed me off so much. Probably, because I was basically being held here against my will by Mother Nature.

Maybe Charlie will come looking for me. Okay - fat chance of that. I pretty much flat out told him that I wasn't going to call or write. Jake's going to be too busy doing God knows what to go all the way to the barn and check to see if my truck is actually there. It's not like he'd want to take it cruising or anything. It's lower than a piece of shit. Here's to hoping he'll run down there to sell it for spare parts.

I stayed in the tub longer than I probably should before washing myself and finishing up. I stepped out and shivered, mourning the loss of the warm water surrounding every inch of me. I quickly grabbed for a towel and wrap myself up.

I slipped into my new clothes and ran a comb through my hair before stepping back out into the bedroom. I was surprised to see the fire going strong. Jasper must have come in and added some wood while I was in the bathtub.

I walked across the room and hesitantly opened the door. The hallway was empty, but it looked completely different seeing it in the daylight. It seemed a lot lighter than the rest of the house. I can imagine it was because no one ever comes up here. Jasper said he lived out back and Edward had his own side of the house apparently. He hadn't destroyed this yet.

It was almost pretty. The hallway was decked out in Victorian looking wallpaper as well as some paintings scattered every so often. There was one other door down at the end of the hallway.

I stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind me. I cursed my stomach as it grumbled loudly even though there was no one around to hear it.

I assumed the kitchen was downstairs so I started that way. I glanced over at Edward's side of the staircase as I passed and wondered if he was over there. Even in the daylight it looked lifeless. It made me wonder how broken he really was.

When I reached the foyer where I came in last night I heard some voice from behind me. I traveled down a short hallway beside the staircase and smelled something delicious wafting through the air.

"Well I don't think it would kill you Edward…" Jasper said softly.

I cleared my throat and stepped into the kitchen. Jasper was standing at the stove scrambling some eggs as Edward sat at the counter. I leaned forward, trying to see his face behind his hood, but he cowered back and obscured my view again.

"Good morning," Jasper said. He smiled and loaded some eggs onto a plate. "Are you hungry? The eggs and milk won't last long so make sure you eat them while they're good." He laughed and set the plate down beside Edward's. I noticed his head shift slightly my way, but he never looked at me.

"Thank you," I said softly. I sat down beside Edward and cringed. I could almost feel the waves of tension rolling off him and crashing onto me. It was one of the most uncomfortable times in my life, including when I accidentally flashed my high school principal.

I glanced at him from the corner of my eye and saw him push his plate away. "Good morning Edward," I mumbled.

He nodded and pushed away from the counter. Before I could breath one more time he was gone.

"He's not a morning person," Jasper said. I cocked my eyebrow at him and we both laughed. I had a feeling Edward was not an anytime person. "Was everything alright in your room? I hope it didn't get too cold this morning." He sat down in Edward's vacated seat and started eating.

"Yeah everything was great. Thank you. I really am sorry to intrude on you guys like this. I wish there was something I could do. You really don't have to wait on me." Maybe I'll just get a stack of firewood so I can take care of that stuff myself.

"You aren't intruding. It'll be nice to have a woman in the house again. We're not really used to that."

"No one's been here since….since everything happened?" I didn't know what I should and shouldn't say while I was here. I didn't want to offend anyone.

"Not really. Edward fired all their servants and workers except for me." He shrugged. "They used to have a cook, maid, butler…I helped the gardener." He smiled.

"Why'd he fire the gardener and keep you?"

Jasper's smile faded as he diverted his eyes down to the floor. "The gardener was his mother."

"Oh." I twisted my fork around my plate and tried to fight down my embarassment. "I'd always heard she was a very lovely woman."

"That she was. She was very kind and gentle. Edward was the epitome of a rebellious teen and she loved him anyway. I think the only thing that even came close to matching her love for him was her love for her garden. In the spring the backyard is filled with roses. There's a small greenhouse for the winter. Mrs. Cullen always said that winter was no excuse for not having flowers. I still keep up with what I can."

"That's very nice of you. I'm sure she would appreciate that."

"I'd like to think so."

I started to wonder why someone as nice as Jasper put up with all the shit Edward seems to put out. There must be something more that I'm not seeing because it just didn't make sense to me.

We ate the rest of our meal in silence until Edward bounded through the kitchen. He didn't say a word to either of us as he crossed the floor and went out the back door into the yard. I leaned forward and watched him jog across and disappear into the woods.

"Where's he going?" I asked.

"He runs a lot."

"In the middle of the woods?"

"He likes it out there." Jasper stood up and started towards the sink. "Are you finished?"

"Yes. Thank you." I handed him my plate.

"Well would you like an official tour of the Cullen palace?" He grinned and cocked his eyebrow.

"Sure."

"This is the kitchen." He gestured extravagantly around the room.

"Thanks for the tip."

He laughed and nodded towards the door. He showed me everything downstairs; the formal dining room, a great hall, a small parlor. We started up the stairs when I noticed the painting. It hung at the top of the staircase and I couldn't fathom why I didn't see it before. I guess I was distracted the first time I walked up these steps.

I could tell it was Edward and his mother and father, but it looked like Freddy Kreuger had gotten to it. It was completely ruined, torn in several places.

I took a step towards it and Jasper cleared his throat.

"Edward?" I asked.

I took his silence as confirmation. My hand trembled as I reached forward and held up the flaps of canvas hanging down. It was shocking how much Edward looked like his mother when you put them right beside each other. Their hair was the same bronze color, eyes were the same green. He had the chiseled features of his father, but that was about it. He was his mother's son.

I turned to my right and started up the stairs towards the side I hadn't seen yet, but Jasper grabbed my hand.

"That side is off limits," he said.

"What's over there?"

"There's a library, Edward's room and his parent's room. Trust me you don't want to go over there. It's a complete disaster."

I jumped when I heard someone stomping up the stairs behind us. Edward brushed past us and went right into the second room, slamming the door behind him.

Jasper cleared his throat and eased up on my hand. "Would you like to see the greenhouse?"

"I'd love to."

We went back downstairs and through the kitchen. I shivered as we exited the backdoor into the snow. The greenhouse entrance was a few steps away but it was still enough to chill me to the bone. I can't believe Edward runs in this shit.

Jasper opened the door for me and it was like I'd stepped into the Tropics. Warm and humid. I could almost feel the moisture settling on my face. The room was painted red with roses and smelled divine. People always say roses are boring but I think there's something so classic and endearing about it.

"Wow," I breathed. "You take care of all of this?"

"Yeah." He shrugged and started casually strolling around the room. "Edward comes in here sometimes but he's not allowed to touch the plants. He doesn't do well keeping things alive…" He fell silent, almost like he'd said something wrong.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He straightened up and plucked a single rose out. "So you said you were going to the airport." He handed me the rose. "Where were you going?"

"Europe."

"Where at?"

"Anywhere."

"Hmm…" He laughed softly under his breath. "That sounds like it has a story behind it."

I couldn't help but smile. "I don't know I just…I felt stuck."

"This probably wasn't the best place for you to end up to get unstuck." He shook his head. "Regardless, I hope you'll make yourself at home. I'm usually the cook in the house, but don't feel like you have to wait to eat. Feel free to take any food or drink or anything else that you need."

"Thanks Jasper. I appreciate it."

He nodded and quietly made his exit out of the greenhouse. I wandered around the small space breathing in its scent and reaching out every so often to brush my fingers across the soft petals. As my fingers fell away I winced, feeling the slice of the thorn against my skin.

When I was little I always used to ask my mother why roses had thorns. She used to tell me it makes them more beautiful and I never really understood what she meant. Thorns are these hideous things that plagued the epitome of beauty. How in the world could they add to it? I hated them even more now that I was nursing a cut finger.

I started towards the door and tried to decide what I was going to do for the next couple of months here. The books I brought were destined to be read within the week. There's no internet, no television. Maybe I could convince Jasper to let me go into the library if I stayed out of Edward's way.

Just as I reached the door, it swung open and Edward ran inside. He ran right into me and I stumbled over our feet, almost tumbling to the ground. I reached out and grabbed hold of his sweatshirt to keep myself from falling and I was surprised when he wrapped his arms around my waist and steadied me.

"Sorry," I mumbled. I slowly looked up at him and was disappointed to find his face was shadowed by his hood again. I was beginning to think I'd never see his face.

I waited for a few moments expecting him to apologize as well but he never did. I glanced down at his hands still wrapped around my waist. He quickly released me and brushed past.

"Thanks," I said, glancing after him. I darted back outside and into the house.

I spent the rest of the day in my room, sneaking downstairs occasionally to get something to eat. I saw Jasper bustling around the house every now and then but I didn't see Edward at all.

I ended up starting one of the books I brought and curled up next to the fireplace in my room. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember was waking up with the book flat across my chest and the fire dying beside me.

My stomach grumbled, reminding me that I'd missed dinner. I put my book down and tended to the fire before creeping out into the hallway. The entire house was dark and silent. I crept down the hallway and found my way to the stairs.

When I got to the kitchen I found some cereal and some milk. I figured I'd take Jasper's advice and eat the good stuff while it's still here.

I rummaged through the cupboards until I found the bowls and silverware before settling down on a stool to eat. I'd only taken a few bites when I heard someone shuffling down the hallway. I held my breath and debated on whether it was Edward or Jasper.

The figure stumbled into the room and opened the refrigerator. I squinted as the light from inside blasted across the room. He reached beside him and flipped on the light switch. Definitely not Jasper.

"Hi," I said, speaking through a mouthful of cereal.

"Jesus!" Edward gasped. He spun around and froze.

"I'm sorry." I was completely paralyzed. I could actually see him now. No hood, no shadows. Just him. It was impossible not to notice the marks on his face. Short, straight lines scratched into the skin. They were old wounds, but the evidence was still apparent. "I'm sorry," I said again. I shook my head and looked down. I didn't want him to think I was staring. I didn't mean to. "I scared you."

"You didn't…"

"Good." I set my bowl down on the counter and bit down on my lip. "Midnight snack?" I nodded to the food in his hands.

"How'd you guess?" He asked. His voice was sharp and unkind. Not like the light-hearted joking with Jasper earlier.

"What's your problem?" I asked. "I mean really. I'm sorry that I'm such a big inconvenience to you and your secluded little life up here, but I don't want to be here!" I screamed.

"Good. I don't want you here either!" His nostrils flared as he yelled back at me, bringing his face within inches of mine. He slammed his hands down on the counter and glared at me. We stayed like that for the longest time just staring at each other, daring each other to take it further. For some reason, mainly because he was a stubborn asshole, we were clashing in the worst way.

"Why are you like this?" I whispered. I searched his eyes for some kind of answer, but there was nothing. "I know you went through something tough Edward, but…"

"You have no idea what I went through," he snapped. "No fucking clue." His eyes stared into mine a moment longer before he disappeared out into the hall.

I sat there stunned until I heard a door slam upstairs. I had no idea what the hell just happened. It was my first actual conversation with him and we ended up yelling at each other.

My appetite had come and gone so I cleaned up my cereal and headed back upstairs. As soon as I hit the landing I heard soft music coming from Edward's side. Jasper told me not to go over there. That it was off limits. But there was something pulling me towards it. I didn't know if it was my intense anger towards the man living over there or something else.

I rested against the railing and glanced up at the painting again. I could barely see Edward's face peeking out from one of the rips in the canvas. His face was almost breathtaking. I was never one to fawn over a guy, but he was handsome. Even with those scars on his face he was better looking than any other guy in town, which made it really hard to hate him.

A part of me wondered about him though. Where did he get those scars? Did they have something to do with his parents? I couldn't imagine losing my parents like that, but there had to be something more to it. The way he looked at me made me shiver. Behind all that anger and rage inside him I saw sadness. And pain. More pain than I could even fathom experiencing.

I debated as I glanced between mine and Edward's sides before taking the steps up and closer to the music. I finally reached the door and softly leaned my ear against it. The sounds of the piano were darker than most songs I'd heard before. I closed my eyes and hummed as it lingered over me, sending a shiver down my spine. There was something so haunting and sad behind the music and I had to wipe away a tear that threatened from the corner of my eye.

I leaned my forehead against the door as the music caressed my skin, floating across every inch of me. It was like the ultimate seduction and I wasn't prepared for it at all. I whimpered under my breath as my fingers grazed across my neck and down my chest.

I jumped as something crashed against the door. Did he hear me? Did he know I was out here listening to him? I stood against the door completely frozen, wondering if I should bolt or stick it out and hope it was just a fluke.

I didn't know why I cared. I couldn't explain it but there was something in the pit of my chest that just wanted to…know him. I wanted to know him. Crazy right? Why would I want to know someone like that? Or even want anything to do with him?

I held my breath when I heard soft footsteps on the other side of the door. I glanced down and saw the shadow of his feet through the small gap at the bottom. I thought he was going to whip the door open and yell at me for being over here, but he didn't. He just stood there. And I just stood there. The only sound was our breathing, rising and falling together perfectly in sync.

I reached out my hand and pressed my palm flat against the door. "I can save you Edward," I whispered. My eyes stared straight ahead into nothing, trying to imagine what he was doing at this very moment. I could almost feel my fingertips buzzing against the cold surface of the door.

I took one final deep breath and silently stepped away from the door. I tiptoed down the steps and across to my side.

When I got back to my room I put another piece of wood on the fire and changed into my sweatpants. I laid in bed trying to sleep for hours, but I couldn't turn my mind off. Where did he get those scars? I wondered if that was why he cooped himself up here all the time. The emotional scars obviously ran a lot deeper than the surface, but I didn't doubt that both contributed to him being the way he is. It wasn't my job to fix him and I didn't even know why the thought ran through my head. He wants this. I'm just the audience. It doesn't make it any better that I have to sit here and watch him be so destructive, but I have no claim to his happiness.

"What is my fucking problem?" I whispered. One day in this place and I'm already going crazy.

I ran my hands through my hair and rolled over, willing my mind to shut off. When it did and I finally drifted off to sleep my dreams were dark and cold. And him. I remember Edward. Except it wasn't him. Not this version anyway. He was kind and gentle and there was a softness behind his eyes that I never imagined could be real. Then I woke up and I knew it wasn't. And it would never be.

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**Happy New Year! I wasn't planning on updating yet, but I thought it'd be a good New Year's thank you gift for all of your love and support. **

**I just have a few announcements/news items:**

**I'm participating in my very first one shot contest. It's called Post Secret Prompt Contest and is inspired by an amazing website/thing called Post Secret. If you have time check out the website and the contest (its under my favorite authors). I'm not allowed to tell you which entry is mine, but I'd appreciate your support by reading and reviewing the entries and voting for your favorite starting on the 8th!**

**Secondly, for any authors looking for a break or a fun adventure, ImHereToReview and I are putting together an author collab. Very easy, simple, little time commitment. Check out our ff profile (penname ffcollab) or email us at ffcollab gmail . com**

**Thanks for the reviews, retweets and recs! I'm glad you love Beastward as much as I do and appreciate it. He may still be a stubborn ass and won't say thank you, but I'll do it for him 3  
**


	5. The Nice Guy

**S.M. owns Twilight. My beta kdillin owns my ass bc she is so amazing.**

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**Edward**

I woke up in the middle of the night like I did most nights from some fucking nightmare. It was always the same thing - a repeat of that night playing over and over. Sometimes it was just complete darkness and the only sound was my mother crying.

My stomach rumbled and I cursed as I slid out of bed. It was fucking freezing in here like usual. This whole damn house was cold.

I wiped the sleep from my eyes and shuffled down the hallway and towards the steps. I glanced over at Bella's side of the house. I couldn't wrap my mind around this girl. And I couldn't believe I went into her room this morning to put wood on her fire. I have no idea where the hell that came from but I'm not that kind of guy. Jasper is the nice guy. Not me.

The house was dark and still as I walked down the steps and towards the kitchen. Lucky Charms sounded like Heaven right now. I didn't bother turning on the light as I entered the kitchen, I just walked over to the refrigerator and reached in for the milk. I set it on the counter and finally reached for the light switch so I didn't make a mess looking for dishes.

"Hi," Bella said from behind me.

"Jesus!" I screamed. I definitely wasn't expecting her to be here. After the initial shock wore off I realized that she could see me - all of me.

"I'm sorry." Her eyes widened and she quickly looked down at her cereal. "I scared you."

"You didn't…" I lied. I almost shit my pants but I wasn't about to tell her that. I could almost see the gears turning in her head, trying to figure out what happened to me. I know not many people knew. In fact the only people that really knew either lived in this house or were spending the rest of their lives rotting away in jail.

I glared at her as she kept eating her food. I'm sure she was running through all the names in her head: Freak, Monster, Ugly. I've been called them all.

"Good." She set her bowl down and finally looked back up at me for the slightest moment. "Midnight snack?"

"How'd you guess?" I snapped. I wasn't in the mood for small talk, especially with her.

"What's your problem?" She took a step towards me. "I mean really. I'm sorry that I'm such a big inconvenience to you and your secluded little life up here, but I don't want to be here!" Her eyes widened with her last word as she closed the gap between us.

"Good. I don't want you here either!" I slammed my hands down on the counter and challenged her back.

I found myself lost her in deep brown eyes even though they were the last place I wanted to be. Like dark chocolate swirled with beautiful tree bark after a summer's rain. I blinked a few times and turned around, propelling myself as far away from her as possible. Beautiful tree bark? Where the hell did that come from?

I ran upstairs and went into the library, slamming the door shut behind me. I found the liquor, a glass and the bench of my piano in an instant, almost like it was second nature. And I guess it was. Every time something set me off, I found myself here. Needless to say I was here a lot.

I downed half of my glass immediately as my fingers ghosted over the keys. It was a new melody, born in the very depths of me. The rise and fall of the keys -slow then fast - loud and soft - a dance between the ivories as I let it all out.

God she was beautiful. I shook my head and sipped at the rest of my drink. It was a lost cause to even think such things. She would never know me. Never know the pain - or the hurt. Or the…whatever it is I feel. And she would never want to. Nobody does. She could never love someone like me.

"Love," I whispered to myself. Why would someone like Bella ever love someone like me and why did the thought even run through my fucked up head? I had no idea where that word even came from, much less what it really meant. It was a foreign concept to me, except for my mother and it killed her. Love killed her. If she would have just kicked me out when she had the chance they would be alive right now, but she couldn't do that. She wouldn't. Their blood was on my hands and there was nothing anyone could say to make it better - no one. Love is a fucking joke, especially for a monster like me.

"Fuck!" I stood up and threw my empty glass into the darkness. I heard it crash and shatter against the door. I buried my head in my hands as the familiar numbness started to float across my entire body, taking me away from all of this shit.

I sighed and stood up, knowing that I had to pick up the glass shards. I'd broken enough glasses to know that glass hurts when you step on it. Jasper threatened to start taking me to the hospital every time I hurt myself so I learned to at least push it aside. There was no way I was going into town, least of all that hospital. I spent enough time there after it happened. I never wanted to go back there.

When I reached the door, I leaned my head against the wood and pressed my palms flat against it. I wonder if she went back to her room. She probably did. And she probably ate all of my cereal. Just the thought of it pissed me off.

My nails scratched lightly against the door, up and down, up and down as I breathed deeply through my nose. Even through my weightless haze, I could feel my fingertips humming against the wood. I licked my lips and closed my eyes as I enjoyed the buzz coursing through my veins. The alcohol must have been affecting me more than usual because this feeling was beyond anything I've felt before.

My eyes finally snapped open. "Edward you're molesting a door," I said to myself. I stepped away, instantly feeling a sense of loss as soon as I did. I kicked the shards of glass aside and had a few more drinks before passing out in the chair.

I woke up the next morning late and uncomfortable as fuck. I'd slept in this chair enough to know that my back was going to be yelling at me for the rest of the day. I ran my fingers through my hair and shuffled to my room so I could change my clothes. When I was finished I made my way downstairs.

I heard Bella and Jasper speaking softly in the kitchen. I snuck silently down the hall and lingered just outside the doorway so I could listen.

"I shouldn't have said anything about his family. I crossed a line," Bella said.

"He's a big boy Bella. He should learn to control his temper regardless."

I cleared my throat and stepped into the room, halting their conversation.

"Edward," Jasper said.

"Jasper." I nodded towards Bella and continued outside.

"You're not seriously going for a run in this are you?" Bella asked.

I glanced outside at the falling snow and sighed. "No. I'm going to split some more wood so you don't freeze at night, is that alright with you?" I snapped.

"Oh…yeah I guess. Thank you." She looked away and I couldn't help but notice the look of shock on Jasper's face.

"What?" I asked him. I didn't wait for him to answer before I slipped out into the cold.

I rounded the greenhouse and trudged towards the shed. The door creaked and protested as I tore it open. The ax was resting along one wall so I grabbed it and headed back towards the house. A few of the small trees along the edge of the forest had fallen from cold, weather or disease so I hacked through a few of them and dragged them through the snow.

I was already sweating by the time I'd separated the first trunk, if you could even call it that, into smaller pieces. These trees were more like fat twigs, about the size of a pancake, but they worked well for fires.

"The woods back here have some beautiful trails, especially in the summer…" I overheard as I saw Jasper and Bella pass by me. I placed one log on my stand and raised the ax high above my head before slamming down on it with a loud grunt. Bella turned her head back towards me as her and Jasper idled slowly towards the trees.

For some reason it pissed me off, them spending time together. I know Jasper is a nice guy; actually he's the nicest guy I've ever met. And I knew he wasn't trying to pull anything with her, but it made my blood boil to watch them together. I felt possessive over her for no apparent reason other than I was a selfish asshole who wanted everything for himself and it made no sense. She'd pissed me off more in a couple of days than I was used to, even for me. Why should I feel anything but annoyance towards her? She wasn't mine to possess even though I wanted to possess her in ways that would set both of us on fire.

I groaned and set up another log before I noticed she was still staring at me. I couldn't figure it out. Her eyes looked mildly curious, maybe frustrated…a sense of longing. No. I shook my head and went back to work as they disappeared into the trees.

When I'd finished enough wood to last for awhile, I started carrying it up into her room. I felt a little weird going in there the first time and this was no different. I noticed a stack of books sitting beside her bed and a pile of clothes in the corner.

I set the stack of wood down by the fireplace and drifted towards her bed. The blankets were a mess, scattered all over the bed. I picked up the pillow and ran my fingers across the soft fabric.

"Let it go Edward," I told myself as I put the pillow down and went back to the fireplace. I set a few blocks of wood in there and lit it. A few minutes later I had a decent fire going and I could already feel the room starting to warm up. I didn't even notice her open the door.

She cleared her throat and lingered by the door. "Hi," she said softly.

I stood up and brushed my hands off on my pants. I didn't know what to say so I spat out the first thing I could think of. "Jasper's making pasta. Dinner's at five."

"Is that a request or a demand?" She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at me.

"You can take it however the hell you want to. I guess if you aren't there, you won't have dinner."

"You're pretty used to getting what you want aren't you Edward?"

I didn't reward her with an answer to that even though we both knew it was true. I was spoiled and there was no denying any of it. I didn't want to have this conversation with her so I just brushed past her and made my way to the downstairs.

Jasper was bustling around the kitchen, looking in each cupboard and cubby, as I entered.

"What do you want for dinner?" He asked.

"Pasta and dinner will be at five." I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed.

"Maybe we should ask Bella what she'd like…" he mused.

"No. She already knows. This is my house Jasper."

"And she's our guest Edward. I know you're good at playing the asshole, but maybe you could ease up a little." He glared at me before he pulled out all of the supplies for dinner. "She doesn't even have to eat with us."

"She'll eat my Lucky Charms," I mumbled under my breath. But of course Jasper heard me.

"I'm sorry?" He turned around and cocked his eyebrow.

"She's after my Lucky Charms."

He cracked a smile a moment before he doubled over in laughter.

"What?" I asked.

"Edward you're being ridiculous. Go take a shower. You smell like ass."

I flipped him off and went to my room. I stripped out of my clothes and turned on the shower. As I waited for the water to warm up, I paced around my room. I found one of my stashed bottles of liquor and took a few swigs as I looked out the window. The snow was starting to pile up even more after today. People who don't live up here don't understand. It's completely impossible to get anywhere, not that I wanted to go anywhere. I was comfortable here. Or the most comfortable I could be. Despite everything that happened here I felt safe in this house. Nobody could see me or hurt me. I could drown in my fucked up life and no one would notice. And I like it that way.

I stepped in the shower and changed into some new clothes. I started out with a casual t-shirt but eventually found myself fingering through my dress shirts that I hadn't worn in years. I pulled out the one with the least wrinkles. I had no clue how to use the iron and I wasn't about to ask Jasper how to do that shit.

I ran my fingers through my damp hair and started downstairs. The pasta was already cooking on the stove and it smelled fucking delicious.

"What's the occasion?" Jasper asked, bustling into the kitchen. He eyed me up and down with a confused look on his face. "Did I miss something?"

"No. It was all I had clean," I lied.

"Liar," he said as he stirred the pasta.

"How do you know?"

"Because I do your laundry and I just did a shit ton the other day."

I crossed my arms and leaned against the counter. I guess I'd have to start doing my own laundry so I could lie more effectively.

"Will you go get Bella and tell her that dinner is ready?" He asked.

I groaned and started down the hallway and up the stairs. As soon as I hit her side the most beautiful smell assaulted my nose. It smelled like strawberries mixed with lilacs and rain.

I shook my head and knocked lightly on her door.

"Just a minute," she called. I leaned up against the doorframe and grazed my thumb against my forehead. The door whipped open a moment later and she was there - her face just a few inches from mine. Her hair was dripping wet from the shower she must have just taken. I found myself glancing down at her tank top and she self-consciously covered her breasts with her arms. "I thought you were Jasper."

"Obviously," I whispered. I was the last person she would expect to be knocking at her door right now and it pissed me off that she already felt that comfortable with Jasper.

"What do you want?"

"Dinner's ready." I bit my lip and told myself to look away from her, but I was completely captivated by the small drop of moisture lingering on her cheek.

"I'm not hungry." She shrugged.

I sighed and finally stepped back. "Fine, no dinner and no snacking later either!" I narrowed my eyes at her and left.

Jasper seemed surprised that I was alone when I entered the kitchen.

"She said she's not hungry."

"No big deal." He got out two plates. "They'll be plenty of leftovers."

I laughed under my breath and grabbed a plate. We ate dinner in relative silence. Jasper kept looking at me like he was trying to figure out a complicated puzzle, which I didn't understand. He knows me better than anyone. There shouldn't be anything left to discover.

"What's your fucking problem?" I asked.

"Nothing." He shook his head. "You're just very interesting tonight."

"What does that mean?"

"Edward I've never seen you dressed up since the funeral. And you've never once in your life done something for someone else unless you get something out of it."

"So?"

"Nothing." He laughed and went back to his meal.

"I hate when you're all cryptic and shit." I pushed my pasta around my plate and he laughed again.

We finished up dinner and I left to go back upstairs. I found myself unsurprisingly in the library, drinking and playing my piano. More surprisingly, I actually pulled a book from the shelf and started reading it. I had no idea what it was, but it held my attention for about ten minutes before I passed out with it on my chest.

My stomach woke me up a while later with its grumbling. I swear it was a never-ending garbage dump because I was always hungry at night, even when I ate a good dinner. At least I could eat my snack in solace tonight.

I stumbled down the stairs in my now-wrinkled shirt and wiped the sleep from my eyes. A noise in the kitchen startled me and I cursed under my breath.

I reached cautiously around the corner and flipped on the light switch. Bella was sitting on the counter munching loudly on my Lucky Charms. She didn't flinch as I stomped in and glared at her.

"Really?" I nodded to her cereal bowl. There were enough leftovers to feed an army and she went for the Lucky Charms – MY Lucky Charms!

She shrugged and took another big bite. I grabbed the box from the counter and my own bowl. Once I was all situated I sat down on one of the stools and we ate together in awkward almost silence. It's impossible to be completely quiet when you're eating cereal. It's fucking crunchy and delicious.

"So what do you do all day?" She asked.

"Nothing really, I drink, play the piano and go for walks."

"You play really beautifully…"

My head snapped towards her. When did she hear me play?

"I heard you the other night when I was on my way back to my room," she explained. "I've already read all the books I've brought and I already don't know what to do with myself."

"You get used to it."

"Used to what?"

"Not knowing what to do with yourself."

She nodded slowly. "Aren't you sick of it though?" She asked.

"Sick of what?"

"Pretending to be happy with your life up here."

"I'm not pretending anything. Does this look like I'm fucking happy to you?" I gestured around.

When I was finished I put my bowl in the sink and grabbed the box. I tucked it under my arm and smirked at her before taking myself and the rest of the cereal up to my room.

It's funny that the things you try to avoid thinking about end up occupying your every thought. Maybe this was her plan, to fuck with my head. I could stop my mind from picturing her face or running through every damn word that she'd just said to me.

I stashed the cereal box in my closet and pulled a sweater over my head before heading back downstairs. She was already gone, but it didn't matter. I passed through the kitchen and went into the greenhouse to spend some time with my mother.

She loved this place. I remember this one time, before I became the despicable person I am today, being in here with her. I was probably about eleven and she was watering all the flowers. She was explaining the process of taking care of all of them, the temperature, seasons, water, and the nutrients. And I was completely captivated by how happy she was in here. I imagine that's the last time I remember that I was truly happy. Everything after that is a blur of alcohol, drugs, girls and epic fuck ups.

I glanced up at the house and noticed Bella's light was still on. I leaned back against the side of the greenhouse and watched her shadow cross back and forth behind the curtains. My breath hitched in my throat when she pulled back the curtains and looked down at me. I knew she couldn't see me in here because it was so dark, but I still looked away embarrassed.

My fingers danced across the petals in the rows of flowers before I finally plucked one and carried it inside. I stumbled up the steps and stood at the top for the longest time glancing between the two sides.

I finally took the steps up to Bella's side and found myself frozen outside her door. I raised my hand to knock and then just as quickly brought it back down to my side. I leaned in closer to the door and listened. Completely silence. She must have gone to bed.

I sighed and lightly placed the rose on the doorknob before shoving my hands in my pockets and retreating back to my side.

The next morning I went downstairs and found Bella laughing with Jasper, twirling the rose in her fingers. Jasper cleared his throat and gave me a pointed glance.

"Look." Bella smiled. "Jasper left me this on my door this morning."

Jasper stared at me, waiting for me to correct her. He knew he didn't put that rose on her doorknob so that only left me.

"How lovely," I said sarcastically. I turned around and bolted for the door. Why couldn't I fucking tell her? I guess I'm not ready to be that guy yet. Hell I don't even know if she's that girl, but there has to be some reason that I'm acting this way with her. And until I figured that I out I needed to stop with this bullshit almost nice guy stuff. That wasn't me. I was losing myself to this girl I didn't even know. The scary part is that I think a small part of me never wanted to be found.

* * *

**A/N: Holy crap there may be a nice guy in Beastward just clawing to get out. Let's see how long it takes for him to make a full appearance instead of this back and forth shit. **

**Lots of good news!**

**First of all, my story Code of Conduct has been nominated for the Queen of Hearts Category in the Walk of Fame Awards. Thank you, thank you, and thank you to whoever nominated me. I've never been nominated for anything and it means a lot so thank you again. **

**Secondly, the amazing Sparkling Wand has graciously interviewed me as a Spotlight Author for her blog. Keep an eye out for updates on when that will be posted.**

**Thirdly, voting has opened for the Post Secret Prompt contest! Even though I can't tell you which entry is mine because it's anonymous, I'd appreciate you checking out all the entries and voting for your top 3 in the poll on the main page. It's listed under my favorite authors : )**

**I've started the second round of the One Shot Soundtrack. If you're interested in participating in this music inspired one shot soundtrack, visit our profile for details. Penname is ossoundtrack.  
**

**Lastly, the ffcollab has begun! I finished the first chapter and posted it a few days ago. It's called the Peep Hole Chronicles and you guys should definitely check it out. It should be a good one. The penname is ffcollab : )**


	6. Something There

**Bella**

As soon as I opened my bedroom door the next morning, the rose fell to the ground with a soft thud. I leaned over and tucked an errant strand of my hair behind my ear before I picked it up. I twirled it between my fingers and brought it to my nose. It smelled divine. Jasper must have brought it for me. I thought I saw someone in the greenhouse last night. I couldn't make out any details, but I saw his shadow behind the frosted glass.

Jasper had become my saving grace these last few days. I was about to go stir crazy in this place and he was at least someone to talk showed me around a lot of the property and talked about its history. We avoided Edward for the most part, except for a few random seemed like one of the only elements of light in this dark place. He was extremely handsome, but I guess I just didn't see him _that _way. Actually, he seemed like he'd be perfect for Alice. Maybe after this whole experience is over I should introduce them.

I skipped down the steps and found Jasper in the kitchen. I quickly thanked him for the rose. His brow furrowed a moment before Edward bounced into the room. His eyes went straight to the red rose I held in my hands.

"Look. Jasper left this on my door this morning." I'd decided I wasn't going to avoid talking to Edward even though he seemed content on making every interaction stressful.

Edward turned to Jasper, almost like he was waiting for him to say something. Jasper stared right back at him and raised his eyebrows.

"How lovely," Edward snapped. He turned around and left. I shrugged and brushed off his cold reception since I'd grown relatively used to his antics. Or at least I'd told myself I had. For some reason, his attitude still hurt even if I'd never admit it.

I didn't see him the rest of the day. I tried to find more boxes of Lucky Charms for my nightly snack that night, but he must have hidden them all. Greedy bastard. I settled for crackers or leftovers.

We got another big snowstorm that completely blanketed the mansion and its grounds in a fresh blanket of snow. The next morning I woke up late, pulled back the curtains and smiled. It looked like a sea of diamonds all around. Even the trees were covered, occassionally showcasing a beautiful icicle cascading from their branches. It never got this way in town. And even if it did, it was quickly tarnished by slush and dirt. This was absolutely pure. It made me happy knowing that it was going to stay this way for the most part. The only thing I noticed was one set of footprints leading back into the woods. Edward must be out there walking or doing his brooding man routine.

I skipped downstairs and almost ran into Jasper on the stairs.

"Good morning," I said.

"Good afternoon is more like it." He raised his eyebrow.

"I guess I slept a little late." I shrugged. "What are you doing today?"

"I plan on creaming you in a snowball fight."

"Oh really?" I crossed my arms. "Loser makes dinner. Winner's choice?"

"Deal."

Jasper helped me find some better outdoor wear than what I had with me. Most of it was his so the coat was a little big, but the hat and gloves were nice.

I opened the backdoor and ran out into the snow. It's sad how you never really play when you get older. It was almost like it made me forget the world, like we were in this giant snow globe and everything was perfect. Jasper and I laid down in the snow and made snow angels until he whipped a snowball at my face. I leaped up and ran behind a tree while I gathered my ammo. I peeked out from the tree and launched it at him. It just missed his shoulder and landed in the snow behind him.

I squinted out into the yard and noticed a small speck stepping out from the woods a moment before the snowball hit me. I shivered and screamed as the ice cold moisture slipped down the back of my neck.

"Get a little distracted?" Jasper asked.

"No," I said as I launched another one at him and hit him in the leg.

I was losing severely and I'd become so engrossed in our little game that I didn't notice Edward approaching until he was there. I looked up and found him watching us. He was leaned up against one of the snow covered statues and I could have sworn I saw something. Like the very beginning of a smile started to play on his lips. Almost.

I gave up my assault for a moment and stomped towards him. His scowl instantly returned to his face as soon as he saw me.

"Can I help you?" He asked.

"Don't let a silly smile ruin your terrible life Edward," I joked.

"I didn't," he snapped.

"Come play with us." I gestured back to Jasper, who was rolling a huge snowball.

"We're not kids Bella, don't be ridiculous..." he said softly, diverting his eyes to the ground. I don't know why, but that pissed me off.

"God forbid you feel anything but miserable!" A moment after I spoke, a flash of white flew by me and smashed right into Edward's face.

"Jasper," Edward breathed. His nostrils flared as he wiped the snow from his face.

"Whoops." Jasper shrugged. "I missed."

Edward snarled and stomped into the house.

I bit down on my lip as I watched him retreat. He was running away again. Sometimes I just wish he'd take me with him so I could figure out what was really going on in that head of his. I mean besides all the hate and anger. There had to be something there. Something.

"Well Bella, I think you'll be making dinner tonight..." Jasper said. I conceded defeat. He kicked my ass and there was no disputing it.

We started back towards the house and the greenhouse caught my eye. "What were you doing in the greenhouse so late last night? Couldn't sleep?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" I stopped and turned towards him.

"I haven't been in the greenhouse since early yesterday morning Bella..." He gave me a pointed look before darting inside.

That can't be true. I saw him. He plucked a rose and left it for me. There was no other option. It had to be him...unless it wasn't. I glanced up at Edward's side of the house and debated the impossible.

I kicked Jasper out of the kitchen so I could start making dinner. Edward stayed cooped up in his room until everything was ready. I felt him the moment he walked into the kitchen. I couldn't understand how he could completely alter my world just by stepping into a room. Almost like a static charge, making every hair on my body stand on end in anticipation. It was unlike anything I'd ever known.

Our eyes met for a moment as he walked towards me, but I quickly turned back to the food.

"Making dinner?" He asked. He cleared his throat and parked himself right next to me, peeking over to see what I was making. I nodded and started mixing the salad up. "Can I...um...can I help you with anything?"

I was a little surprised at his question. He didn't strike me as the type of person to ask that. "Sure," I said softly. "Can you open the wine?" I nodded towards the bottle sitting beside me.

He cleared his throat and started fumbling around in the drawers for a corkscrew. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he screwed it into the cork, his fingers grasping tightly around the bottle. As he twisted it deeper and deeper, I couldn't help but notice the ways his muscles flexed and constricted against his shirt. A small grunt escaped from his lips as he popped the cork off. I jumped a little at the noise and turned my attention back to the salad.

Edward reached above me and grabbed three wine glasses from the cabinet before filling two of them halfway. He set one beside me and sat down with his at the table.

Jasper eventually bounded into the kitchen just as I was taking the chicken out of the oven. He carried it over to the table so I could bring the salad and everything else. It was the first time we'd eaten at the table together. Usually we were at the bar or just on our own so I wasn't really sure how to act.

We all just kind of stared at each other for a minute before Edward reached for the salad. Jasper tried to talk to me a little throughout the meal, but for the most part we ate in silence. When Edward was finished he took his plate up to the sink, dropped it off and left.

"Thank you for dinner," Jasper said. "It was delicious."

"Thanks. I don't mind doing it, I cook for my dad most of the time. He's not really an oven afficienado."

"Most of us guys aren't." He laughed and took my plate for me. "Well I'm exhausted. I think I'm going to head to bed early, do you need anything before I go?"

"No I'm good," I mumbled. I finished my glass of wine and poured another. I finally got up from the table and made sure all the food was put away. I glanced outside and picked up my glass of wine before making my way out to the greenhouse.

This whole rose thing was still bothering me and I couldn't get it out of my head. It was a mystery, just like everything else in this damn house. Just like him. He was the ultimate puzzle and it drove me crazy that I may never solve it. He kept dropping me pieces to put together and they just never seem to fit right. Or he overturns the table completely.

I pushed the door open and stepped inside. I was immediately warm, mostly from the atmosphere and partly from the alcohol. I shrugged out of my jacket and set it on one of the chairs before idling around the rows of flowers. I took another sip of my wine and ran my fingers across the petals.

I gasped as the door swung open and Edward stepped inside, cupping his hands around his mouth. He stopped when he saw me and looked between me and the door.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi. I didn't know you were in here."

"Do you make a habit of coming in here at night?" I cocked my eyebrow. I wanted him to admit it was him.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Uh huh." I took a big sip from my glass and narrowed my eyes at him. "I know it was you Edward, why the act?"

"Why are you so fucking pushy?" He snapped.

"Why are you so fucking cold? I mean you put this wall up that no one could possibly climb. You have to let someone in. Damnit Edward you won't even let Jasper in. I know you think you do, but you don't. Why are you so afraid to let someone see you?"

"No one wants to see!" He screamed. "No one."

"I could...see you. I could know you, but you won't let me." I shook my head. "Those walls that you have up are going to kill you Edward. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day you'll have nothing."

"I already have nothing..." He mumbled.

"And that's your fucking fault!" I pointed at him, grabbed my glass and stomped out.

I found myself sitting at the bottom of the stairs finishing my wine when he finally came in. He didn't even look at me as he walked up the stairs and slammed his door. The music started moments later.

I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled my knees to my chest. I was getting nowhere with him but something inside me wouldn't stop trying. Getting this guy to actually talk was like nailing jello to a damn tree.

I finished my glass, set it in the kitchen and headed up to my room. Thankfully the wine put me right to sleep. The last thing I remember was the sound of Edward's piano echoing faintly through the hallway. And then there was screaming. Loud and piercing...and terrified. Except I wasn't dreaming. This was real.

I opened my eyes and jumped out of bed, hurling myself frantically towards the door. I stumbled down the hallway and across to Edward's side. I passed by the first room with the piano and went directly to the room farther down the hall. I hesitated for a moment outside until another scream rang out. I pushed the door open and ran into the darkness. I reached idly for the light switch, but came up with nothing.

"Edward?" I whispered. He screamed again and I knew he was dreaming. I held my breath and stepped cautiously into the room. I put my arms in front of me and kept walking. I finally hit what felt like a bed and reached forward. I felt his leg and up to his waist, finally finding his shoulders.

He screamed again and jerked away from me like I was going to hurt him. "Edward?" I said again. I brushed my fingers up his neck and to his face. I caressed his cheek, feeling the raised skin of his scars, almost trying to comfort him in some way. I could tell from the moisture on his face that he'd been crying.

I didn't know if I should wake him up or just let him ride it out. A part of me wondered if he'd be pissed I was in his room. Actually I knew he'd be pissed. I didn't want to scare him anymore than he was. And he was really fucking scared.

"It's okay," I whispered. I found one of his hands and took it in mine. "It's okay Edward."

His cries eventually started to quiet down into a soft sniffle. I decided I should probably get out of here before he really did wake up and throw one of his fits. I stood from the bed and started to pull away, but his hand tightened around mine.

I sat back down and waited until he was ready to let me go. It seemed a little ironic that he flat out refused to let me in, but he wouldn't let me go at his most vulnerable. I mean I know he wasn't conscious so he didn't know he was doing it, but I couldn't help but wonder if he secretly wanted to show someone everything. Every line. Every scar. Every broken part of him that looks irreparable to most. For some reason I wanted to be that person. And I wanted him to want me like that. It's a simple human need to be wanted. And it needed to be him. It had to be. It didn't make any sense.

I silently slipped out of his room and closed the door behind me. I stood for a long time outside his door, staring into that God-awful wallpaper that adorned the wall. Even in the dark I could make out the twists and curves of the gold vines. I needed something, anything to focus on to shut my thoughts off for one moment.

I finally took a deep breath and started back towards the stairs. I bypassed my side and shuffled down the stairs. I passed through the kitchen and went directly outside into the bitter cold. In two steps I was into the greenhouse. I picked the first rose my fingers touched and scurried back inside.

He'd know it was from me. He'd know I'd been on his side of the house, even just to place it there, and I knew it was going to upset him. But I did it anyway. I went back to Edward's room and rested the rose lightly on his doorknob.

I didn't sleep well for the rest of the night. I felt way too anxious about the next morning and his reaction. I guess if I prepared myself for a blow out, maybe I wouldn't be as offended when it happened.

When I finally made it downstairs the next morning, I froze outside the kitchen. The tone of his voice, the absolute anger in every word, completely paralyzed me.

"I'm just sick of seeing her...all the fucking time! I mean do you understand what that's like?" Edward yelled.

I cowered back into the wall and buried my head in my hands. I fucked up. I turned around, wanting to get away before they saw me, but of course I tripped over my own feet and went crashing towards the ground. I ignored the pain in my ankle and tried to get on my feet anyway.

"Bella? Are you alright?" Jasper appeared in the hallway and rushed to help me up. Edward slowly stepped behind him, his face hard and his fists clenched tightly on each side. He glared at me as he walked by and back up the stairs.

I wiped at my face, brushing away a stray tear. "I'm sorry," I stuttered. "I'm so sorry."


	7. Anniversary

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own a very raggedly Beauty and the Beast blanket that is the most comfortable thing ever. Kdillin is my beta and she seems to have a thing for Beastward and his Lucky Charms.**

* * *

**Edward**

I knew I was dreaming, but that didn't make it any less terrifying. I was outside wandering the grounds aimlessly. I had no direction, no purpose. I was just walking for no reason. Everything was white. And then I turned a corner and a single red drop fell to the ground, soiling the pure perfection of the snow. It came from nowhere in particular and just like that another one came. And then another. Drip drops of red liquid leading me like some fucked up version of Hansel and Gretal towards the house.

When I finally made it up to the greenhouse, I stopped. The red drops had formed into a large puddle right in front of the back door. I jumped when a piercing scream rang out from inside the house. I tried to push the door open but it wouldn't budge. I stepped back and looked up at the window above.

"Mom?" I screamed. I could see her in the window, her face distorted in absolute agony. The white silk of her nightgown was soaked with a dark wetness that pooled up by her neck. "Mom!" I screamed again. I rushed forward and started pounding on the door, trying desperately to get inside.

"Hello Edward." James stepped behind the glass of the door, his face mere inches from mine. His normal sadistic smile played on his face as he waved the razor blade back and forth, taunting me with it. My breath hitched in my throat as he lashed out at me. Even though I knew the pane of glass separated us, I instinctively covered my face and cowered back.

"Edward?" A soft voice called from behind me. It wasn't menacing or angry. It was almost comforting. "Edward?" She called again. I knew who it was instantly and it surprised me that she was here.

I slowly turned around just as Bella stepped from behind the greenhouse. She smiled at me and beckoned me with her finger to join her. Her dark hair was wild and blowing around her alabaster skin with the wind. She smiled and called my name again as she disappeared around the greenhouse. I looked back towards James and my mother, debating between fighting a useless fight to save her and following Bella.

I took a deep breath and took a step away from the house. I peeked my head around the greenhouse and spotted her tiny footsteps leading towards the woods.

"Bella!" I yelled. I looked back at the house once more before running after her. When I reached the trees the footprints disappeared into thin air. They just stopped and there was no explanation or sign of her. "Bella?"

"It's okay Edward," she whispered. I felt her step behind me. She took one of her hands in mine and I was surprised to find it was warm. I slowly turned to face her and looked down. "It's okay," she said again. She nodded and brought my hand to her chest.

A howling wind raced through the trees, enough to make me shiver. The snow flurried up around us, almost capturing us completely. Something soft dropped and fell on my foot. I reached down and picked up the single rose from the snow. When I stood back up Bella was gone. I spun around looking for her, but she wasn't here. I was completely alone.

I twirled the rose in my fingers, pausing only when I heard it. My mother's cries were echoing through the trees, building more and more with each passing moment. I closed my eyes and tried to wake myself up but it was useless. When I opened my eyes again, she was right in front of me where Bella had stood moments before. She cocked her head and looked me up and down before another piercing scream escaped her blood stained lips. I clenched my fists at my sides and shot up out of bed, thankfully awake.

I was panting and sweating like I'd just ran a damn marathon. I couldn't understand why I always had the same dreams. And always her. Never my father. I guess I felt an inherent need to protect her despite the fact that we'd had a somewhat rocky relationship. And I failed. That was haunting me more than anything.

I ran my fingers through my hair and hopped out of bed. I swung my bedroom door open and almost stepped on the soft petals of a single rose lying in the hallway. It lay on the floor, just like it was meant for me. It paralyzed me for the slightest moment, bringing back memories of the nightmare I'd just had. I leaned down and picked it up, careful not to cut myself on the thorns.

I was on fucking edge for the whole rest of the morning. I had these dreams a lot and I had to admit they were probably a major contributor to my "attitude problem" as Jasper called it. I can't imagine many people who dreamed about their dead mother woke up like Suzy Fucking Sunshine every day.

Jasper made me some breakfast with our diminishing eggs and milk. I always got extra irritable when we ran out of milk. It meant no cereal.

"Maybe you should...see someone about all this," Jasper said. "I mean I know it always gets bad...now, but they might be able to help."

"They sent me to every fucking Doctor in the state who thought they'd have the magical cure for my episodes and they all failed." I twirled the rose in my fingers. I'd come to the conclusion that she must have left it. I obviously wasn't imagining it since I'd slipped up and cut my finger and Jasper had no reason to leave me flowers unless there was something he wasn't telling me. It had to be her. But why?

It pissed me off slightly that she had been on my side of the house. I know Jasper had told her to stay away and she deliberately disobeyed him. At least she was only in the hallway. I just needed my space and there were...things buried deep in these rooms that I didn't want her to see. As long as she stayed out of my fucking rooms, I wouldn't say anything.

"Maybe you just need to...let it go?" Jasper shrugged and glanced up at me because he knew he was treading on rough waters.

"Let it go?" I glared at him. "I can't escape what happened to her Jasper. I'm just sick of seeing her...all the fucking time! I mean do you understand what that's like!"

A commotion from out in the hallway interrupted our conversation and Jasper didn't have time to answer me. I knew he didn't have an answer anyway. I tapped my finger on the counter top before following him.

"Bella. Are you alright?" Jasper leaned down to helped her off the floor. I winced when I saw the pain in her face. I couldn't be here right now. I couldn't look at her face because all I could see was that beautiful...comforting Bella from my dream. It was messing with my head and I didn't want to freak her out more than I already had.

I scampered up the stairs and quickly disappeared into the library. Before I could sit down at my piano I heard their voices coming up the stairs. I crept towards the door and opened it slightly, just enough so that I could see them. Jasper was helping her up the stairs as she limped, favoring one of her ankles over the other.

"Shit," I mumbled. I started to go out there and help her, but something stopped me.

"It's my fault," she said. "I made him angry."

"He wasn't talking about you Bella," Jasper said. "He has these...nightmares. About his mother."

"I know."

"How do you know?"

"I hear him screaming at night."

"It's just a bad few weeks for him so I would steer clear at all costs. Understand?"

"It's the anniversary isn't it?" She asked. They reached the top of the stairs and she looked over at me. Thankfully I was cloaked in darkness so she didn't see. "I remember it on the news. All the cop cars and ambulances were up here and it was snowing. I remember."

They continued down her hallway and disappeared from sight. I quietly closed the door and kicked at the wood. She thinks I was complaining about her. She had no idea she was the one who saved me.

"Fucking stupid asshole." I kicked the door again, leaving a slight scuff from my shoe. My chest hurt. Not in the "I'm having a fucking heart attack" way, but more like a dull ache. Like I felt her pain or some shit. It wasn't something I was really used to, taking in other people's pain. I was so blinded by my own that I couldn't.

I went for a walk and stopped by the meadow to lay some roses on their graves. When I got back I took a shower and ended up jerking off...twice.

Bella hadn't come out of her room all day and I wondered if she really hurt her ankle. I peeked outside and saw Jasper moving around in his house before I went downstairs. I grabbed a plastic bag, a towel, some ice and aspirin before heading back up.

I hesitated outside her door and knocked softly.

"Come in," she said.

I cleared my throat and pushed her door open. I was worried how she would react when I peeked my head inside. I tried to smile, but I'm sure it looked off. "Hi," I mumbled. She didn't say anything.

I noticed that Jasper had propped her leg up on some pillows and left her some ice, although it was all melted now. She looked down at her hands and started pulling at the sleeves of her shirt.

"May I?" I asked. I nodded down to her ankle. She shrugged.

I sat down on the bed and pulled her ankle slightly onto my lap. I took the melting ice off and leaned down. My fingers lightly danced over her skin, pressing slightly and examining the discoloration.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"My dad was a doctor, I'm not completely incompetent." That came out harsher than I meant. Shit. "I think you just twisted it. Keep this ice on it and stay off it for a little bit." I carefully got up and set her foot back on the bed. "Here take these." I handed her the aspirin and she looked at me expectantly.

"I don't have any water."

I sighed and turned around, crossing the room into the bathroom. My eyes glanced over all the cabinets, trying to remember where they were. I hadn't been in here in a while. Actually I hadn't been in here since I snuck Irina in here back in high school.

I opened a few of the cupboards and finally found the little paper cups. I grabbed one and filled it with a little water before carrying it back out to Bella. She took a small sip and swallowed the aspirin before handing me back the cup. I took it back in the bathroom and tossed it in the trash.

When I walked back into the bedroom she was staring at me with her arms crossed over her chest. She looked uncertain about something, even though I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I leaned against the wall and mimicked her stance. The air was thick, almost like it was filled with the questions and unsaid words between us. I should apologize for upsetting her. Even though she does something to piss me off on a daily basis, I should.

"I..." I started. There was a soft knock on the door and Jasper stepped in. His eyes widened when he saw me.

"Edward?" He asked, almost like he didn't believe it was me standing there. I knew enough about dreams to know this wasn't one.

"I was just...checking on her ankle," I stuttered.

"Hath Hell frozen over?" He joked.

I narrowed my eyes at him and started towards the door. "If you need anything else...let Jasper know." I quickly ducked out and stood outside her door for a few moments trying to catch the breath I'd been holding.

I didn't see much of Bella for the next couple of weeks. Mostly because I was becoming a bit of an angry recluse the closer it got. It always got worse. I usually spent the few days surrounding it so drunk that I barely remember anything.

My dreams were becoming more and more vivid, but she was always there. Bella. Even if it was a quick glimpse out in the yard or a small wind of her smell, she was there. It was always a bit of a distraction from whatever was happening in my dream and for that brief moment I felt better. I never spoke to her like I did in the first dream. She was always just out of reach, slipping further and further away. Two nights ago I chased her out into the greenhouse, only to have her disappear once I got there.

I'd gotten so sick of seeing my mother every time I closed my eyes that I stopped sleeping. I'd taken to wandering aimlessly around the house, occasionally stepping outside into the greenhouse. I napped every now and then, but never for very long.

Three nights before the anniversary I found myself outside Bella's room and tired as hell. It was late enough that I knew she was asleep. I stood outside her door for over twenty minutes telling myself to walk away. I finally took a deep breath and quietly pushed her door open.

She was asleep, just like I knew she would be. She was curled up in a ball, twisted and contorted into the most uncomfortable looking position I'd ever seen anyone sleep in. "Strange girl," I whispered.

She looked really peaceful as she slept, like her dreams were filled with nothing but rainbows and puppies. To be completely honest it wouldn't surprise me. Nothing and everything seemed to surprise me about this girl.

I closed the door quietly and sat down, leaning my head back against the wall beside her door. I fought sleep as long as I could before I allowed my eyes to close. A moment later someone cleared their throat. I opened my eyes and was surprised to find the light of morning glowing from the window down the hall. I blinked a few times and sat up. No nightmares. None at all.

"Good morning Sunshine," Jasper said. He was standing beside me with a few logs cradled in his arms.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked.

"I always pop my head in to make sure her fire is still going." He slipped inside and was back out a moment later empty handed. "And I could ask you the same question."

I got up and cursed under my breath as I walked down the hallway. I went downstairs and grabbed something to eat. Jasper quickly joined me and I knew he wasn't going to leave me alone until I told him something.

"She helps me sleep okay?" I said softly.

"Okay." He held his hands up defensively.

I stayed away from her room the next couple of nights just to avoid the inquisition the next morning. Jasper was a sneaky bastard. And he was sneaky in disguise so that made it so much worse.

The night before the anniversary I didn't sleep at all. I sat in my chair and drank and played my piano a little. I didn't escape to Bella's room, even though I was desperate to sleep without waking up screaming in terror. The doctors had given me these sleeping pills shortly after it happened, but I didn't like taking them. Sometimes they'd put me in such a deep sleep that I didn't remember any of my dreams. And sometimes they trapped me in them, leaving me stuck in that limbo. Knowing I was dreaming, but paralyzed and unable to wake up.

I finally made it downstairs late that afternoon, still a little hung over. Or maybe I was still drunk, I wasn't sure. Jasper and Bella were in the kitchen, sitting at the bar together.

"So how long have you lived here?" Bella asked him.

"Technically, I moved in right after Edward's parents died. But this was always my second home. I've been friends with him since we were five. I was bounced around foster care after my parents decided that they didn't want me. Mr. and Mrs. Cullen were always very welcoming."

"You were friends with him that long?"

I cleared my throat and stepped into the room. I ran my fingers through my hair and started making some coffee.

"Well if you can imagine it, Little Edward wasn't quite the Little Shit he is now." Jasper smiled at me and I offered him a humorless laugh.

Bella's eyes focused intently on, slicing so deep that I was starting to feel uncomfortable.

"You didn't sleep at all last night," she said. It wasn't a question. More like she was stating something she already knew.

"Thank you Captain Obvious," I mumbled. I thought she was going to glare daggers at me, but she didn't There was a flash of something else unexpected behind her brown eyes. Sympathy.

I stood in front of my medicine cabinet later that night staring at my reflection and debating the little bottle of pills on my sink. I was taking a risk, but I had to sleep. I popped the top off and took two of them. I went over and lay down on my bed, hoping that sleep would find me.

I'd just started drifting off when the windows flew open. The papers that lay strewn all over my room lashed out in a whirlwind as I shot out of bed. I swung my legs over the bed and ambled towards the window. I shivered as the wind and snow billowed inside.

I finally reached the window and pushed it closed before turning around and picking up the mess. I sighed as I leaned over to pick up the newspaper. I had about fifty copies stacked in the corner at one point, but they'd eventually been thrown or torn or burned into what they are now. I stood up and my breath hitched in my throat when I saw her reflection in the mirror.

"Edward," she whispered.

"Mom?" I closed my eyes. "No, no, no. I'm dreaming." I must have fallen asleep. When I opened my eyes she was still there, staring at me with this sad, hurt expression on her face.

"Why can't you say it Edward?" She tilted her head to one side.

"Say what?" I asked.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about son." She stood up and walked towards me. I closed my eyes again as she traced her finger along my shoulder. It was so real I could almost feel it. When I opened my eyes again, it wasn't my mother anymore. It was Bella.

"Bella?" I cried.

"Just relax Edward. Everything's okay." She brushed my hair away from my face.

Everyone always told me that. _Everything's going to be okay Edward. Don't worry Edward. _She was the only one I half believed. As soon as I reached out for her, her face morphed into that smiling bastard and I jumped back.

"Won't be so pretty anymore will we?" James smirked. He launched at me, knocking me onto the bed.

My whole body spasmed out of sleep, almost like when you dream you're falling. I'd much rather dream about that. My head shot towards some movement in the corner of my dark room and I froze.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I..." Bella stuttered. "I heard..." The newspaper she'd been holding fell from her fingers and fluttered towards the ground.

"What the fuck are you doing here!" I screamed.

"I'm sorry...I..." She shook her head.

"Can't you just leave me the fuck alone? Get out! Just get out of my house!" I grabbed my lamp and launched it at the floor. It crashed against it and exploded into pieces. I heard her breath hitch in her throat as she stared between me and the glass pieces. And then she bolted.

By the time I made it out to the staircase, she'd grabbed her bag and coat and was flying down the stairs towards the front door.

She glanced up at me one more time before pulling the door open and walking out. My fingers wrapped around the banister as she left, gripping so tightly that my knuckles felt like they were going to pop._ What the fuck did I just do?_

_

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_**A/N: Before you go into his room and smash all his cereal, please remember that Edward is a little stressed out right now. Not condoning his actions, he's still an asshole, but go easy on him.**

** I would like to announce that Love Like Winter is up for a Flavor of the Week Fic on Teh Lemonade Stand! Beastward would appreciate if you would stop by their blog and vote for him to be featured. It only takes 2 seconds. Maybe he'll be a little nicer next chapter. Such a grump grump. www . tehlemonadestand . blogspot . com**_  
_


	8. Different

**S.M. owns Twilight. kdillin is my beta : )**

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**Bella**

I tried to sleep, but it was no use. I couldn't force my body to rest when I knew that he was going to be in pain. Jasper told me that tonight was the anniversary of his parent's murder and I couldn't imagine what it must be like for him every year being in this house.

I ended up pacing back and forth, almost waiting for it to happen. His nightmares had grown increasingly worse over the last couple of nights and I always went to him, even if just for a few minutes.

It wasn't fair. Despite his short fuse, I was beginning to see bits and pieces of him. The real him. He existed outside of the shouting matches and thrown glasses. Edward was much more than he let on and I think he used his attitude as a crutch to keep people out. I just didn't understand why.

Something had changed in me. Each night I went to him I felt more of his pain, took it deeper within me. I was slowly beginning to...feel. I didn't know what it was or what it meant, but my heart ached every time he screamed out into the darkness.

When the familiar cry echoed down my hallway I cringed. I took a deep breath and went to his room. He was rolling back and forth in his bed as he cried, his hands fisting and beating at the mattress.

"Edward..." I brushed his hair away from his face and fought the urge to press my lips against his forehead. "I'm here. It's okay." He screamed louder as his face contorted in pain and I felt a tear slip down my cheek.

I jumped off the bed and started pacing back and forth in front of the window. Maybe I should go get Jasper. He seems more hysterical than I've ever seen him and I don't know if I can make it better. I wanted to make it better.

Something in the corner of the room caught my eye. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and walked on shaky legs over to it. I squinted into the darkness and realized it was stack of newspapers. I grabbed one and my breath hitched in my throat when I saw the headline. _Prominent Couple Found Brutalized in Their Home; Son Severely Injured._ The scribbled writing across the front didn't catch my attention right away, but I eventually saw it. Someone had almost carved the ink into the paper. _My fault._ I dropped it and grabbed the next newspaper. It was the exact same. Exact same date, exact same headline, and exact same handwriting. _My fault. My fault. My fault._

"Oh God..." I whispered. He'd taken the blame for this completely on his shoulders. No wonder it was smothering him. How could a robbery possibly be his fault? It was heartbreaking to know that he had so much guilt buried inside him.

"What are you doing here?" He snapped. I froze. Edward was awake.

"I..." I started. I didn't know what to say. I shouldn't be in here.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" He screamed. I barely recognized his face. It was filled with more rage than I'd seen before.

"I'm sorry. I..." I wanted to explain. I wanted to tell him everything. But I didn't get the chance.

"Can't you just leave me the fuck alone? Get out! Just get out of my house!" He reached for the lamp beside his bed and launched it at the floor. I stood paralyzed as I watched it crash into pieces. I glanced between the shards of glass and Edward. He'd regularly irritated me or pissed me off, but this was the first time he genuinely scared me. I was terrified.

The next thing I knew I was running. Across the room, over to my side, into my room. I threw all of the things I could get my hands on into my bag and wrapped my coat around my body. I couldn't stay here anymore. I had to get out. There was no other way.

I glanced back at Edward for one moment before I whipped the door open and ran outside. I should have ran to Jasper. He could have done something to make this better. But I didn't. I just ran.

I stumbled through the snow down the driveway and almost ran into the gate. I shivered as the cold wind whipped around me. Maybe I could get back to my truck. Maybe my phone charger was in there. Maybe I could wait until the weather gets better and walk into town.

I started back in the direction of where my truck was, clinging desperately to my coat trying to keep warm. The gate was getting smaller and smaller behind me until I rounded a bend in the road and it completely disappeared. I was alone.

I stopped mid-step when I heard a howl echo out from the trees. I pushed forward as my hands started shaking from the cold. I'd forgotten to grab my gloves in my rush. I sighed in relief when I spotted my truck ahead, half buried in snow.

As I got closer and closer to reaching it, I started to realize how bad of an idea this was. It was snowing and below freezing out here. I could freeze to death. I could get hypothermia. Be completely miserable all night shivering in my truck.

I stopped and bit down on my lip. I should go back. I need to go back. This was crazy.

I spun back around as another howl bellowed out from the darkness. It was no longer a distant cry. It was here. And the wolf was right in front of me.

"Shit," I mumbled. I slowly put my hands up defensively as he bared its teeth and growled again. "Nice puppy." My eyes flitted towards my truck. Could I make it? Could I even get the door open? I took a tentative step towards it and the wolf leaped towards me, closing the gap.

"Damnit Bella are you fucking crazy!" A voice yelled. I squinted through the snow and saw a figure moving towards me. "It's cold as hell, you'll freeze out here!"

"Edward," I whispered. The wolf growled and whipped in his direction. "Edward look out!" I screamed. He immediately stopped and stared at the menacing creature between us. At this moment I wanted nothing more than to be back at the house arguing with him. I'd give anything.

"Don't move," Edward said softly. "Don't move I'm coming to you." He hesitantly stepped to the side, walking cautiously around the wolf. It growled again and snapped its teeth. I was so terrified I was forgetting to breathe. When he finally reached me, he stepped protectively in front of me and I let out a huge breath. I grabbed onto his shoulders and he reached behind him and took firm hold of my hips. "Okay we're going to move...very slowly back towards the house."

We took a step and then another. The wolf mimicked our moves, following us with his eyes the entire time. I knew in the pit of my stomach that he was going to attack. I just didn't know when.

I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead into Edward's back, trying to find some warmth.

"Edward I'm scared," I mumbled.

"It's okay," Edward said. His words struck me since they were the words I'd been using to calm him every night. Now he was the one comforting me.

I heard the wolf snarl an instant before we were knocked to the ground. Edward threw his body over mine as the wolf lunged at him. He winced and screamed in pain when it sunk its teeth into his shoulder. He swung his elbow around, trying to get the animal off him but it wouldn't loosen its grip. He tried again and connected with his stomach, sending it back with a yelp.

Edward quickly helped me up and steadied me with his hands. "I want you to run. Run back to the house."

"I'm not leaving you out here!" I screamed.

"Just fucking do it!" He yelled. The cold wind almost pierced my skin as I blinked away the tears. "I'll be right behind you. Go!" He gently pushed me away and I started running even though I didn't want to.

I was crying and out of breath when I reached the house. I bypassed the front door and went around to Jasper's house, pounding furiously on the door as soon as I reached it.

He opened it after a few moments, his eyes heavy with sleep.

"Bella? What's wrong?"

"You have to help him. I ran away...and...wolf."

He looked behind me and cursed under his breath. "Go to the house and wait for us." He disappeared into his house and returned with a shot gun. He took off around the house and I went in the back door, still shivering with the cold.

I paced back and forth in the kitchen, biting anxiously on my nails waiting for them to return. As soon as I heard the front door open and the subsequent cursing ring out, I ran from the kitchen. Jasper was carrying the shot gun in one hand and helping Edward with the other. His shirt was ripped at the shoulder from where he'd been bitten, as well as farther down his arm. The fringes of the tears were lightly tinged with dark blood.

"Is he okay?" I asked. Jasper set the gun down on the table.

"He'll be fine. I'll go get the first aid kit." He rushed up the stairs.

"Here come in here." I led Edward to the kitchen and told him to sit down. He pulled himself up onto the counter and I ran to the sink to get a towel. I ran it under the water and turned back to him. "Take your shirt off so I can see."

He sighed and pulled his shirt over his head. I gasped when I saw his back. There was a large tattoo across his skin, etched in the blackest ink I'd ever seen. I reached out and lightly touched the wings of the bird.

"A phoenix..." I whispered. Edward shivered at my touch and brought me back to my work. I walked around to the front of him and positioned myself between his knees so I could get a closer look at his wounds. "This might hurt a little..." I pressed the cloth to his shoulder and he stiffened.

"Fuck!" He hissed. His jaw clenched tight and he started breathing roughly through his nose.

"I'm sorry. I have to get it clean." I just prayed that the damn wolf didn't have rabies or some shit. I assumed since his dad was a doctor he was up to date on all of his shots, but I was still worried it was going to get infected.

He slowly started to relax a little more with each passing moment. He watched me as I worked, occasionally glancing up from his shoulder to meet my eyes.

"Um..." I mumbled. "I'm sorry. For everything. That was stupid." I went to the sink and rewetted the cloth before resuming my work. "And thank you. For saving me."

"You're welcome." He sighed. "And I'm...sorry for what I said to you."

Something crashed to the floor across the room. I whipped around and saw Jasper standing in the doorway, the first aid kit on the floor. Edward narrowed his eyes at him as he started picking it up.

"Um..." Jasper started. "We didn't have time to grab your bag Bella. I'm going to go get it for you."

"Jasper you don't have to do that."

"It's no problem." He smiled and looked at Edward once more before leaving.

I finished cleaning Edward's shoulder and moved onto his forearm.

"So when did you get your tattoo?" I asked.

"After my parents died."

I almost felt bad for asking. I didn't know it had anything to do with his parents.

"Why the phoenix?"

He shrugged. "No reason I guess. It was the only scar I got to choose and I wanted it to be something beautiful..." He looked at me as he spoke and I felt my whole body flourish with heat. I chanced a peek at him and found myself mesmerized by his lips.

"It is really beautiful," I mumbled.

I finished cleaning up his arm and put some disinfectant on both areas. I taped some gauze on it and he shivered again as soon as my fingers touched him.

"I'm sorry I guess I'm still a little cold," I laughed nervously and waited for him to say something sarcastic.

Instead he took my hands in his and brought them up to his lips. His eyes stayed locked on mine as he took a deep breath and lightly blew the warm air onto my skin. I sighed as my hands started to warm with each breath he took.

The slam of the front door startled us and I immediately pulled my hands away, almost like I was scared of being caught like this. I knew how intimate it would look to Jasper and it made my heart race.

"I'm going to go take a hot bath. I should probably change your bandages in the morning." I smiled slightly and left the room just as Jasper entered.

I grabbed my bag that he'd left by the door and ran upstairs. I threw my bag on my bed and instantly went to the bathroom to start my bath. Once I'd stripped out of my clothes, I stood at the base of the tub tapping my foot. Something was making me anxious. I mean besides the fact that I was almost dinner to a wild animal.

I finally stepped into the tub of warm water and hummed to myself as my body started feeling normal again. Or as normal as it could feel right now.

He protected me. I never expected that. Of course I didn't think he'd flat out let me get eaten by a wolf, but I didn't expect him to make himself that vulnerable to save me. It was a completely selfless act, which wasn't something he was really known for. He got hurt for me. He risked his life for me. I didn't know what to make of it.

I soaked in the tub until I was completely warm. When I got out, I wrapped myself up in a towel and stumbled to bed. I was just about to lay down when I heard their voices at the top of the staircase. I knew they were trying to be quiet, but I could still hear them.

"Are you really that blind Edward?" Jasper asked. I crept closer to my door and pressed my ear to it.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Edward snapped.

"Just go ahead. Keep playing dumb." Jasper laughed. "We both know what you did. And I heard what you said to her."

A door slammed and everything fell silent. I sighed and retreated back to my bed. What the hell was that about?

I woke up the next morning and went downstairs to get some new bandages from the first aid kit. I didn't see Edward downstairs so he must still be in bed. I didn't know if I was still technically banned from his side of the house since I'd officially been caught over there. Regardless of the technicalities, I went up the stairs and knocked on his bedroom door.

"What?" He yelled.

"Edward its Bella. Can I come in? I just want to look at your bandages." I held my breath as I waited for him to answer.

"Okay."

I sighed and pushed the door open. He sat in his bed, propped up against the headboard in the same clothes from last night. He reached up and scratched a little at his bandage.

"Don't do that," I scolded.

"Well it fucking itches," he complained.

I shook my head and ambled over to his bed. I glanced at the space beside him before cautiously sitting down. He reached up to scratch it again and I smacked his hand away.

"I said don't do that."

He glared at me and huffed. I leaned forward and started pulling his bandages away.

"I heard you and Jasper talking on the stairs last night," I said. His eyes flickered towards me and then looked out the window. "What did he mean?"

"About what?" He asked.

"About everything?"

He sighed. "He thinks I'm acting...different now."

"You are acting different."

He rolled his eyes and I finished checking his wounds in silence. When I was done I picked up all my trash and started towards the door.

"You know what's a little ironic?" I asked, my hand resting lightly on the doorknob. "On the anniversary of the night you think you took away your parent's life, you saved mine." I opened the door and stepped out. I narrowed my eyes and nodded towards his bandages. "And don't scratch those." I cocked my eyebrow and closed the door behind me as I walked out.

I couldn't help but smile to myself. He was different.

* * *

**Disclaimer: No wolves were harmed in the writing of this chapter**

**A/N: Thanks for reading. If you haven't already, I'd really appreciate it if you'd go to the Lemonade Stand and vote for Love Like Winter to be one of their featured fics next week. Voting only goes until tomorrow and we're a little behind right now. It takes two seconds and I've even included the link on my profile page so you can just click on it. Thank you! **

**Secret Life readers, I'm going to start on the next chapter this weekend. I was just really excited to get to this point in LLW so the chapter wouldn't shut up. **


	9. Speaking of High School

**S.M. Owns Twilight. My beta kdillin owns me because she's so amazing.**

* * *

**Edward**

I felt her absence the moment the door slammed. I closed my eyes and leaned down, resting my forehead on the bannister as I tried to tell myself to fucking breathe. This was bad.

I stood back up and kept my eyes focused on the door. She'd come back. She had to come back. There was no way she'd stay out there in this weather.

My feet unconsciously started pacing back and forth at the top of the staircase as I waited. I told myself she'd be back by the time I counted to ten. After I'd done that a few times I really started to doubt it. And that pissed me off. What the hell was she thinking?

I mean I know I snapped at her, but she was in my room. My room. She had no business in there and I didn't expect or ask her to force herself into my life. I went back to my room, thinking that it would help me calm down. I flopped down on the edge of my bed and fingered through my hair, tugging so hard that it actually hurt.

"Fuck!" I screamed. I got up and started across the room. I didn't bother grabbing a coat as I ran outside and tried to follow her tracks. The wind was starting to pick up so it was hard to see them, but they were there. For a while at least. She turned left out of the house so I figured she was down the road a ways.

I cursed out loud as the chill of the wind shot through me, straight to my bones. I wrapped my arms around myself as I rounded a corner and spotted a shadow up ahead.

"Damn it Bella are you fucking crazy!" I shouted. I stomped through the snow towards her, determined to drag her back to the house if I needed to. She wasn't staying out here and freezing to death. End of story.

"Edward look out!" She screamed. There was an overwhelming tone of fear in her voice and it made me stop dead in my tracks.

"Don't move," I said when I spotted the wolf. "Don't move I'm coming to you." My heart started racing, beating and thumping loudly against my chest. I had to protect her. And that was it. There was nothing else.

I took a step towards her and held my breath when it growled at me. I continued to make way in a circle around the animal, cautiously closing the gap between me and Bella. As soon as I reached her I stepped in front of her, shielding her completely from view. I felt a little better when she grabbed onto my shoulders. I reached around and fingered her hips trying to comfort her. I could feel the waves of terror rolling off her body.

"Okay..." I said. "We're going to move very slowly back towards the house." I started moving us back towards where I'd just come from. The wolf followed us, mimicking our movements like it was some sort of dance.

I took a shaky breath when Bella pressed her forehead into my back. "Edward I'm scared," she whispered.

"It's okay." And it would be. There was no fucking way I was letting anything happen to her. I didn't give a fuck about myself. She would be okay. I rubbed my fingers against her hips again a moment before the wolf snarled and leaped towards us.

It knocked me square in the chest and forced us to the ground. I hovered over her, covering her completely with my body as I felt the wolf clawing at my shirt. I winced and screamed when I felt its teeth pierce my skin. Fuck that hurt. I started swinging my body back and forth trying to get it off me. The moment I felt his weight off me, I helped Bella up and told her to run. She argued of course. I guess I wouldn't expect anything different from her. Always had to put up a fight.

I felt an ounce of relief as I watched her disappear into the snow just knowing that she was safe. It was an odd feeling. Relief. Especially when I was standing in front of a menacing wolf that seemed intent to fuck my shit up. What the hell did that mean?

"Do not. Make me angry," I said through my teeth. I took a few steps towards the house and he ran towards me again. I put my arm up to protect myself and screamed when he bit down on my flesh again. "Get off me!" I pushed against his heavy body, but couldn't force him away. His teeth were too deep in my arm.

I jumped as the shot rang out from somewhere behind me. The wolf whimpered and backed away before turning around and disappearing into the darkness.

"Edward?" Jasper yelled.

"Yeah!" I rolled around over the cold ground, grasping at my arm. I officially hate that fucker for biting me. Twice.

"Are you okay?" He knelt down beside me and started assessing the damage. I cursed as his fingers brushed over my shoulder and my arm. "I think he only got a piece or two. You can still function with one arm right?"

"Really asshole? You're joking right now." I shook him off and stood up.

"They're not even that bad Edward. We'll get you cleaned up back at the house; you'll be fine in a few days." He caught up with me as we reached the house and we went inside.

Bella immediately ran from the kitchen, her face tear stained and her eyes all puffy.

"Is he okay?" Her eyes danced between me and Jasper. I felt a little bad that she was so upset. I mean this hurt like hell, but she didn't need to flip out.

"He'll be fine. I'll go get the first aid kit." Jasper disappeared from my side and started up the stairs.

"Here, come in here." Bella wrapped her small hands delicately around my good arm and led me into the kitchen. I pulled myself up on the counter and rotated my shoulder carefully to assess the damage. "Take your shirt off so I can see."

I slowly pulled my shirt over my head and heard her gasp. I'm guessing the reaction was about my tattoo. I'd kind of forgotten about it. Probably because I'd just been savagely attacked by a wild animal. My suspicions were confirmed when I felt her fingers skim lightly over my skin.

My dick automatically jumped to attention at her touch and I closed my eyes. As much as I want to say I'm in control I'm not. And I fucking hate that. I'm not in control of my mind or body around this girl. Control was my safe place. Control was all I had.

I hummed under my breath as she pulled her fingers away. I missed them as soon as they left. "A phoenix..." She mumbled. She walked around and forced herself between my legs. It made me want to touch her again. Run my fingers over that small patch of skin that was showing between her shirt and pants. Over her bony hips and soft flesh. Over...everything. I looked up at her as she contemplated her next move.

I sighed again and told myself to calm the fuck down. My dick was starting to take over my mind and it was going to get me in trouble.

"This might hurt a little." She glanced up at me before she pressed the cloth to my shoulder. I didn't mean to scream, but it tends to happen when a piercing sting shoots through your arm. I slammed my jaw shut and told myself to breath. "I'm sorry. I have to get it clean."

I held it in for the rest of the time she was tending to my wounds. It wasn't easy. I knew I was fine as far as shots go; my dad was always on top of that shit. As long as the bites were cleaned well and I didn't need stitches I should be fine. I could still see the fear in Bella's eyes that she'd somehow caused me pain beyond imagination.

"Um...I'm sorry. For everything. That was stupid." She sighed and went back to the sink. "And thank you. For saving me."

"You're welcome. And I'm..." I struggled to get the words out, but for some reason they were easier to say to her than anyone else. "Sorry for what I said to you."

I jumped as something crashed to the floor and my eyes shot over to the doorway. Jasper was staring at us wide eyed with the first aid kit all over the floor. I glared at him. Mostly because he spilled the shit everywhere. And partly because he heard what I just said and he knew what it meant. Everything was changing.

"Um...we didn't have time to grab your bag Bella. I'm going to go get it for you," Jasper said.

She started to protest, but he insisted of course. As soon as he was gone she started working on me again.

I tensed up a little when she asked about my tattoo. I didn't want to lie to her about it. It was there, plain as day. I wasn't ashamed of the tattoo, but I felt something for not living up to its expectations. So I lied...a little.

I had a reason for getting the phoenix. People always said phoenix's rise from the ashes right? I had this fucked up logic that after something terrible I could rise above everything. And it was a joke. I failed myself and the life I thought I could have. Now I had a constant reminder of everything I'm not permanently etched in my skin. It wasn't that I didn't think it was beautiful. It was just tainted.

"It is really beautiful," she said. I shivered again as her fingers brushed against my skin. "I'm sorry I guess I'm still a little cold."

I looked down at her hands and realized that her fingers were shaking a little. I wasn't sure if it was from her nerves or the cold, but I didn't like it. I took her hands in my own and did the one thing I least expected myself to do. I brought our hands close to my lips and breathed warm air through my lips to warm them. My mother used to do it to me when I was little and stayed out a little too long in the cold.

I rolled my eyes as the door slammed and her head whipped towards the hallway. She pulled away as Jasper's footsteps echoed into the kitchen and started towards the door.

"I'm going to go take a hot bath. I should probably change your bandages in the morning." She smiled and past by Jasper as he walked in. He ambled around the room in complete silence, tidying up everything. When he was satisfied with his work he positioned himself directly across from me and leaned against the wall. We stared at each other for a long moment before I sighed and hopped off the counter.

"Edward," he started.

"I don't want to hear it."

"You don't want to hear it? Or you don't want to admit it?"

"I'm going to bed." I ran my fingers through my hair and stepped around him. He caught up with me as I reached the top of the stairs.

"Are you really that blind Edward?" He asked.

I glanced towards Bella's side and almost blew up at him for being so damn loud.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said softly. I wasn't in the mood to deal with his righteous 'she's going to change you' bullshit. I was exhausted.

"Just go ahead. Keep playing dumb. We both know what you did. And I heard what you said to her."

I flipped him off and continued up the stairs to my room, slamming the door behind me.

I didn't bother doing anything, except carefully laying down on my bed. I usually slept on my side or my stomach, but that wasn't happening tonight. Which probably meant I wasn't going to sleep much. I couldn't decide if that was a good thing or not. On the upside it saved me from the nightmares. On the downside it meant I was alone with my thoughts for endless hours. Both could be dangerous.

I jacked off twice, hoping it would take care of this uncomfortable boner I was sporting and help me sleep. Two hours later I found myself counting the rings on my bedpost for the third time.

So I saved her? What's the big fucking deal? I wasn't a cruel person. Did Jasper honestly think I was going to sit by and watch while she got attacked by that thing? I mean I guess I didn't have to go after her. And I didn't have to apologize. But I refused to admit to myself that Bella was affecting me even if I knew it deep down in my bones.

I didn't understand why I wanted to be close to her. Is that what it was? I'd been alone so much that I just wanted that intimacy with someone? Or did it have everything to do with her? It was a constant struggle between the two voices inside my head and at this point I had no damn idea who was winning.

I was so caught up in these thoughts I couldn't escape that I didn't notice that morning had arrived. My head snapped towards my door when someone knocked against it and I just assumed it was Jasper.

"What?" I snapped. He probably came to grill me some more about something that I didn't even have worked out.

"Edward its Bella. Can I come in? I just want to look at your bandages."

I froze and looked around the room like I was scared for her to see it. I forgot for the slightest moment that she already had. I guess it was okay. Right?

"Okay."

She came inside and started messing with my bandages. She snapped at me a few times for picking at them, but I couldn't help it. They fucking itched.

I panicked slightly when she asked me about last night on the stairs. I thought maybe I could play dumb with her, but she had that look in her eye. Like she'd almost laugh in my face if I even tried.

"He thinks I'm acting...different now."

"You are acting different."

I still refused to admit it to myself, let alone her. She finished up what she wanted to do and started towards the door.

"You know what's a little ironic? On the anniversary of the night you think you took away your parent's life, you saved mine." Before she left she nodded towards my shoulder. "And don't scratch those."

Why'd she have to break out that philosophical bullshit on me? That was Jasper's game and I was sick of people trying to pull that on me. Things can sound as pretty as you want them to, but it doesn't change how ugly the truth can be. I saved her life. That didn't mean I didn't get my parents slaughtered.

I scrounged around what was left of my father's things and found something to knock me out for the rest of the day. Thankfully I avoided any nightmares, which I didn't expect.

When I woke up it was dark outside, but I knew it wasn't really late. The moon wasn't high enough.

"Are you making a habit of watching me while I sleep?" I said to the darkness. I felt her presence as soon as I woke up and I was starting to wonder why she always seemed to be here when I woke up.

"Sorry," she said, flipping on the light beside her. It was one of the only ones left in the room now. I ran my fingers through my hair and sat up, resting my arms on my knees as I blinked into the light. "I came to check on you and you were sleeping so hard I was scared you were going to stop breathing." She glanced down at my bare chest and back up to my face. "I didn't want to leave you alone."

"I took some pills," I said with a yawn. She narrowed her eyes at me. "Legal. Pills. Recommended dosage. Don't go all Doctor Phil on me. I had enough of that in high school."

"Speaking of high school..." She tapped something in her lap and I realized she was holding my high school yearbook. "I was reading it earlier, but I ran out of light."

"And?" I cocked my eyebrow.

She stood up and crossed over to my bed, her finger holding a page in the book. She sat down dangerously close to me and flopped the book down on the bed.

I leaned over her shoulder to see what she was looking at and sighed.

"I remember his name. And his face." She glanced towards me, accidentally brushing her nose against my cheek. "I didn't know you went to high school with him."

I focused on my picture on the page and James' resting beside it. It was weird seeing my face all smooth and...normal again. I reached down and brushed my finger over it. I had my cocky ass smile across my face like I owned the school. And I did.

"Yeah I knew him," I mumbled.

"What were you like in high school?" She asked. She turned towards me and pulled her feet into her lap.

"You didn't hear about how much of a prick I was?" I narrowed my eyes at her.

"No I did. I just wanted to hear it from you."

I rested my head on my hand and sighed. "I was the doctor's kid Bella. I could have anything I wanted. I didn't start out exploiting that until I got older and realized what it could get me."

"And what did it get you?"

"Popularity, money...girls." My eyes fell to my lap, almost feeling embarrassed by admitting this all to her. I never felt that ashamed about how I acted with anyone. She was different. I was scared to tell her, but I wanted her to know. It didn't make any fucking sense.

"So you fucked around and got well known for it."

"Power is a dangerous thing. It can completely consume you so much that it alters everything that you are."

"So what about James then?"

"He was just like me...kind of. He wanted the power, but he didn't really have the...family support if you know what I mean. His parents put every dollar they had into paying his tuition. He was pretty rough around the edges."

"And I take it you two butted heads?"

"That's an understatement," I laughed. "It was a constant power struggle to be the big man on campus. It got bad." I shook my head. "We both got suspended enough times to almost get us kicked out of the school." I shuddered when I thought about that last day in school. He pulled a knife on me in the bathroom and threatened me. I thought it was all a game. I never thought he was serious until I saw his face in my parent's room.

"But that still doesn't explain..."

"It's complicated," I snapped. I didn't want to talk about it anymore, but there was so much more that I wasn't telling her. To say that James and I had a tumultuous relationship was a big fucking understatement. It was like we were both alpha males fighting for our territory. The fact that he was a twisted fuck to begin with didn't help. But I didn't know then what I knew now.

I was on top of the world until everything came crashing down on me. I slept with any girl I wanted and didn't bother with a second glance at her in the hallway. I sped around in my sports car laughing at everyone driving their used mini-vans and station wagons. Money was no object. There were other things...terrible things that I didn't even want to think about anymore. My life was the epitome of perfect. Take everything and don't give anything back.

"But," she started.

"I said." I closed my eyes. "It's complicated."

"Fine." She slammed the yearbook shut and looked over at me. "Let me see your bandages again."

I leaned forward and pulled my shirt over my head. She silently checked me over and sat back, her fingers still lingering on my chest. "I think you'll live," she said.

"Oh good."

Her eyes were focused on where our skin met. It was the lightest touch that drove me fucking crazy. Almost like she was hesitant or like this was wrong. That dominant, rebellious teenager that I used to be lived for this shit. I didn't know exactly what this was, but I wanted it.

My head lulled back against the headboard as I cautiously reached my hand across the bed. When my knuckles brushed against the fabric of her jeans, I started caressing the outside of her thigh ever so slowly. I didn't want to scare her. I didn't know if either of us really knew what was happening between us, but that tension that had always been there was starting to morph into something else. Every time she touched me I could feel it buzzing between us.

Her breathing turned shallow as her eyes flickered to mine. "I should go." She swallowed hard and stood up. "I should go," she said again, almost like she was trying to convince herself. She nodded and cleared her throat as she started towards the door. "Goodnight Edward."

"Goodnight Bella," I said, a little disappointed by her abrupt departure. Before the door even closed, my hand was resting over the spot on the bed where she'd just been. It was still warm.

She was so different from everything I knew and I guess I just didn't know how to be around someone like her. I was used to a jaded world and she was the complete opposite. It made me wonder how she could want anything to do with me.

I started feeling sleepy again, so I pulled the covers back up and lay down. The moment I closed my eyes I was back in the halls of my high school. I walked down the hallway like I was untouchable; knocking into the other people I didn't give two shits about. I licked my lips when I saw a chick in a short skirt down the hallway. When I reached her I accidentally bumped into her and ran my hand over her ass.

"Edward..." She giggled.

"What are you doing at lunch?" I whispered.

"You." She winked and went to join her group of friends by her locker.

I smirked and laughed as I watched her walk away. The moment I turned around, I ran right into James.

"Cullen," he snapped. "Can I have a word?" He nodded to an empty room beside us.

"I suppose," I sighed and shuffled inside. As soon as the door closed he slammed me up against the wall. My books all fell to the floor as he grabbed my shirt. "What the fuck Carter?"

"I heard you sold to Tyler Crowley. He's my customer."

"You scared I'm going to take all of your business?" I cocked my eyebrow and offered him a smug smile.

"Watch it." He pointed his finger at me. "You think you're hot shit."

"Your girlfriend thinks I am." I cursed as his fist hit my cheek.

"I'm warning you Edward. Stay out of my way."

"Or what? I could crush you." I took a step forward. "My dad could get you kicked out of this school before you can say 'trailer trash' without lifting a finger."

"Go cry to Daddy rich boy." He spit at me and left the room.

I stepped across the hallway to the bathroom and took a look at my cheek. It hurt like a bitch, but I've had worse. The bastard left a mark.

When I left the bathroom James and his girlfriend Victoria were arguing by her locker. They were a pair if I'd ever seen one. She was a lot tougher than most of the girls in this school. And by tougher I mean I'd love to fuck her in the janitor's closet. She didn't seem like one of those prissy ass girls that I couldn't be rough with.

"Fuck you!" She yelled, pushing James back. This was a typical scene for them. They broke up and got back together more than anyone I know. Their relationship seemed really intense, in a really unhealthy way.

"Fine," he screamed. He glared at me once more before stalking off down the hallway.

The bell rang and I figured I should at least make an effort to get to class.

"Hey," Victoria said as I walked by. "He hates you right?" She asked. I could tell she was pissed.

"I seem to get that impression," I mumbled.

She nodded towards the room we'd just come out of and I followed her inside. As soon as the door closed, she unzipped her pants and pulled them down.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"You like to fuck right? And you probably want nothing more than to piss him off right now?" She stepped towards me and pressed her lips roughly against mine.

I dropped my books to the floor and grabbed her hips. She reached down and undid my pants, pushing them down just enough.

"Just so you know," she said as I pushed inside her. "This has nothing to do with you."

My eyes shot open and I was back in my room. I felt dirty. Like I could still smell her on me, even though it was just a dream. She didn't smell like Bella and I didn't like it. I wanted to smell like Bella. I wanted her. It was the first time I openly admitted that to myself. Even with all this bullshit I wanted to love her. And I wanted her to love me too.

* * *

**A/N: Before you get too mad at him, please remember that Edward is a different person now. He's still got the snippy bastard inside but with less teenage horny manwhore. **

**So we finally get a little info on his relationship with James, what's the deal? Any theories?**

**Just a few announcements:**

**First of all thank you thank you thank you to everyone who took the time to vote for Love Like Winter at the Lemonade Stand. It was voted as one of the fics of the week and I am blown away by all of your support : )  
**

**I'm participating in the Love is In the Air Contest and have submitted a one shot for your reading pleasure...except I can't tell you which one it is because its anonymous. But you should really go check out all of the entries and leave a review for the authors, they've got some great stories over there. The link is in my profile.**

**I've also started a blog for me, kind of a central hub for any news and it also has links to my other story blogs. The link for that is also on my profile. **

**I think that's it for now! Thanks for all the love and hate for Beastward. But you know you really love him deep down. It's a complicated feeling.  
**


	10. Falling

**Thanks to my beta kdillin. S.M. owns Twilight.**

* * *

**Bella**

I panicked. I flat out panicked when he touched me. And it wasn't because I didn't like it; it was almost like I didn't believe it was real. Like maybe I was imagining his fingers brushing against my leg. Like that buzz I felt around him was all in my head. I didn't want it to be. I wanted it to be real. And that scared the hell out of me.

It was interesting listening to him talk about high school, even though he didn't give me much. I'd heard stories about him, even from my dad complaining about "that damn Cullen kid" getting into trouble again, but I wanted to hear his side of it. Even the sick and twisted people of the world have a side, a point of view. I didn't think Edward was either of those things, but I still wanted to hear his story.

The news never really said that James went to school with Edward. It made me think the botched robbery story was completely bullshit. I didn't know the real story yet, but there had to be something more to it. And it went deeper than a couple of kids butting heads to be the popular kid in school. Edward had an intense personality. I could imagine if someone just as intense came along and the wrong words were said it could get ugly. And it obviously got to that point somehow.

There was one key element that he wasn't telling me. I knew he slept around and acted like an all around dick, but there was something else. He may not tell me today or tomorrow or even next week, but I knew it was the center of everything that happened with his parents. It was like the ticking time bomb. Maybe not the only reason they were murdered the way that they were, but something had to set James off to make him act out. Their murders were so brutal; it had always struck a chord with me. That shit was personal, not something done in a frenzy to escape. James wanted them all to suffer.

I wonder if he knows how well his plan worked. Edward was a complete mess, to say the very least. He didn't trust anyone. Hell I even questioned if he really trusted Jasper. He'd built these walls up so high that it's almost impossible to climb over them. He used his scars as his crutch to keep people out and maybe that wasn't completely his fault. I went to high school. I saw how people were treated if they were different. It wasn't that far-fetched to say that he became the school outcast because of his looks.

His parents were dead. More than that they were completely maimed. They lost their lives and the opportunity to watch Edward grow. I know he didn't think it, but despite his sometimes shitty attitude he had grown since high school. I hoped I could make him see that.

Jasper spends his time confined up here. Even though he says he doesn't mind, I know that this life isn't ideal for him. Sure he loves his flowers and he cares about Edward, but this isn't the life he wanted for himself.

Everyone was affected by this tragedy. Their entire world was turned upside down. And now mine could be added to the mix. I didn't know whether this was a good or bad thing. It seemed a little twisted to be grateful to James for what he did and I wasn't. But I definitely felt like I was supposed to be here.

Edward and I didn't talk much for the next couple of days. I went in every day to check his bandages and to make sure he was healing well. The next week, I finally took off the bandages for good.

"You're free," I said. He narrowed his eyes at me like I said something wrong. I guess in his terms he wasn't really free. "Anyway." I sighed and looked around the room. "Have you ever thought about like…cleaning this place up?"

"Not really."

"It's a really beautiful house. It has a lot of potential. Do you mind if I…?" I gestured around the room. I didn't really have anything else to do; I might as well do something while I'm stuck here. The house was so depressing with everything broken and dark.

"Be my guest," he sighed.

"Do you know where the cleaning supplies are?"

He shrugged. "Jasper probably knows. Maybe in the closet on your side of the house. I never cleaned."

"Of course you didn't." I started towards the door. "I'll be back. We'll start with your room and move on."

I walked down the hallway and found the closet Edward was talking about. There were some cleaning supplies, at least enough to get us through most of what we needed. I took everything back to Edward's room and found him lying on his bed, right where I'd left him minutes before.

I went over to the curtains and pulled them back, allowing all the light to come in. I could see the specks of dust floating around the room as I turned towards Edward.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" He asked, squinting into the light.

"Because I can't see a damn thing in here." I eyed the newspapers in the corner. "Do you really want to keep all of those?"

"I…" He started. "I don't…"

I walked over to his bed and sat down. "Edward." I reached out and placed my hand cautiously over his. "Do you need to keep all of those newspapers?"

"No," he whispered.

"Okay." I stood up and walked over to the stack. I picked up a few stray ones and grabbed as many as I could carry. I glanced at Edward once more before starting towards the door. I carefully made my way down the stairs and started a pile of garbage in the corner of the foyer.

When I went back up to Edward's room, I was surprised to find his bed empty. I heard him curse from the corner as he lifted up the rest of the stack of newspapers. "Where do you want these?"

"Downstairs would be fine." I smiled a little. As he walked by I grabbed one of the copies off the top of the pile and pulled it close. "It's okay to keep one Edward," I said softly. "I don't want you to forget your past; I just don't want you to drown in it okay?" He nodded and left the room. I walked over to his nightstand and put the copy of the newspaper in his bottom drawer.

After the newspapers were taken care of, I just started picking up debris from the floor. There were large garbage bags in the cleaning supplies so I put the shards of glass and other things in them. He really needed another light in here. There was only one left now. And he ruined a beautiful mirror.

I glanced towards him as he walked back into the room. "Are there any mirrors in the house that you haven't destroyed?" I asked.

"Why?"

"Because I'd like to put some back up. They look really nice when they aren't shattered all to hell." I cocked my eyebrow at him and he groaned.

"There's probably some in the attic." He fidgeted nervously with his hands. He was nervous about seeing himself. I wondered how long it'd been since he really had.

"You don't see yourself clearly…" I murmured. I hadn't really meant to say it out loud, but it just slipped out.

"What?"

"You don't…see yourself clearly Edward."

"You don't know what you're talking about." He diverted his eyes to the floor.

"I do. You think all people see when they look at you are the scars on your face, but that's not true."

"It's not?" He stood up and started pacing around the room. "What about when people called me a freak as I walked down the hallway of my high school? Or spray painted 'monster' on my locker? Or how about when I finally got the nerve to actually talk to a girl after it happened and she laughed in my fucking face when I asked her out?" He stepped close to me and breathed deeply in and out. "It's all anyone sees."

"Not everyone is like them!" I screamed. "Jasper's different. He cares about you, like really cares. He wouldn't be here if he didn't. And I'm different. I just see you." I poked his chest. "You're the one who can't see past them. Not me." I shook my head. "Not. Me."

He held my stare for a few moments before his eyes floated over my shoulder to where the mirror used to be. "We should go check on those mirrors…"

I followed him out into the hallway and further down his, away from the stairs. I hadn't been down this way before and it was even darker than the rest of the house, if that seemed possible. We passed one closed door and stopped at the next.

He opened the door and I was surprised to see a set of stairs going up. He flipped on the light switch and a dingy light bulb flickered above us. Edward started up the stairs but I lingered behind at the bottom.

"Are you coming?" He asked.

"It looks scary up there."

He rolled his eyes and laughed as he continued up the stairs. "Run out by yourself in the middle of a fucking blizzard but you can't come up into an attic." I narrowed my eyes at him as he stepped farther and farther away from me. "Don't worry I'll protect you from the dust bunnies," he said sarcastically.

I sighed and stomped up the stairs after him. I gasped when I reached the top. The attic was huge. It must have covered the entire house. There were boxes, chests, miscellaneous things large and small scattered through the whole area. I could see a thick layer of dust on it all and I realized Edward probably hadn't been up here in a really long time.

"What is all this stuff?" I asked as we started across the room.

"Mostly my parent's things. Family heirlooms...things we didn't want sold." He shrugged and started sifting through some of the things. I scrunched my nose as a mouse scurried across the floor.

Everything looked so beautiful, even covered in the dust. Almost like it was untouchable, a moment captured in time. It made me feel like I was intruding on something really personal.

"I think there's a mirror back here." He stepped over some boxes and picked up an antique, gold mirror that was leaning against the wall. On his way back over, he kicked one of the boxes and spilled its contents over the floor.

"I got it," I said. I knelt down and started putting the items back in the box. I noticed a few figurines and what looked like a jewelry box. A smaller box had turned over beside it on the floor and as I picked it up, an exquisite sapphire necklace tumbled back to the floor. I caught it between my fingers just before it hit. "I'm sorry," I said, glancing up at him. His eyes were fixed on the necklace. He set the box down and sat down beside me.

"I thought my grandmother took that after my mother died." He pulled the necklace from my fingers and held it close to his face. "It's been in my family for generations. I guess my mother was saving it for me to give to my wife someday." He laughed.

"It's beautiful." I leaned in and took in its essence. It reminded me of that necklace from Titanic, just a bit smaller. The diamonds sparkled despite the dark atmosphere of the room and the deep blue of the sapphire was breathtaking. I'd only seen things this immaculate in jewelry commercials for things I'd never be able to afford.

"You should…" He started. "You should have it." He set it back in its box and handed it to me.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"I want you to have it."

"Edward I can't accept this. It's probably priceless." I shook my head. "It's too much. And it should stay in your family." I pushed the box back at him.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Bella…"

"No," I said.

"Just take the fucking necklace!"

"Fine!" I yelled. I grabbed the box and tucked it under my arm.

We sat in silence for a few minutes before I spoke. "Tell me about her." I pulled my knees up towards my chest and scooted closer to him.

"Who?"

"Your mother."

He mimicked my stance and rested his arms lightly on his knees. He sighed and laid his head down. I thought for a moment he was going to shut down and not tell me anything.

"She was beautiful. And kind. And I can't for the life of me understand why she put up with my shit."

"It was because she loved you." I inched closer and found myself grasping his ankles as I settled between his legs.

"But why?" He looked up. "Why did she love me? All I ever did was cause her trouble."

"I think…besides the fact that a mother typically has unconditional love for her child; she saw who you were behind the bullshit. Loving someone doesn't mean you only take the good parts. I mean sure you hold onto those good parts when it gets bad, but just because you had a couple of bumps in the road doesn't mean she ever stopped loving you Edward."

"You don't understand."

"I understand!" I said a hint of anger in my voice. "Damn it! Stop telling me I don't understand. I understand it better than you know!" I stood up and crossed my arms.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He shot up and took a step towards me.

"_You_ wouldn't understand." I glared at him. "See? Pisses you off doesn't it?" I cocked my eyebrow and started towards the stairs. I stomped down them and passed his room on my way to mine. When I hit the landing, I stopped and took a deep breath. My hand rested lightly onto the banister as I felt him step behind me, lingering just beyond touch.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. My eyes fluttered shut as his nose lightly brushed against my hair.

"You have to stop doing that Edward," I breathed. "You're shutting me out because you think I'll run like everyone else. Why can't you see I'm not like them?"

"I've known you weren't like them from the moment you stepped in the door." His knuckles brushed down my spine, so lightly that I shivered in response.

My whole body was attuned to him. The hairs on my arms were standing up, my breathing became shallow. It was the greatest manipulation and I don't even think he knew he was doing it. It had become my reaction to moments like this, the raw emotional times when the air was buzzing with that something I couldn't quite figure out yet.

"I don't know how to do this…" He whispered.

"Do what?"

"Let go." His forehead fell forward and lightly rested on my shoulder.

I slowly turned around and found his face inches from mine. I hadn't noticed it before, but there was a slight shadow of stubble down his jaw. I counted his breaths, one, two, three, four, as a million thoughts ran through my head.

I reached up and hesitantly rested my hand on his chest. He closed his eyes as his nostrils flared slightly at my touch. I bit down on my lip and inched up his chest to his neck and around to his hair. His skin was so soft, so different from the hard exterior he tries to put off. I knew all that he was with one touch of his skin, every essence, every part of him. Even though I didn't understand most of them, I knew who he was. He was everything and nothing to me at the same time. I've known him forever in a month. He scared the shit out of me, but I couldn't imagine ever running away from him again. I was inexplicably tied to him in a way that neither of us understood or knew what to do with.

My eyes widened as he growled under his breath and grabbed my hips. His shoulders heaved up and down as he pressed me against the banister**, trapping me between his body and the smooth wood of the banister digging into my lower back.**

I dropped my hands to his waist and wrapped my arms around him as I buried my head in his chest. I whimpered as his hands spread across my back, pulling me away from the banister and closer to him.

"Edward," I whimpered.

"Whoa!" Jasper said. "Sorry." I whipped my head around just in time to see him retreat back into the kitchen.

"I should go get that mirror," Edward mumbled.

"Okay." I lingered for a moment before I pulled away. He was gone in an instant and I was left in the wake of the sexiest hug I'd ever received in my life. My thoughts were a complete mess and that was nothing compared to my heart. It hurt when he left.

I blinked a few times and cleared my throat before going downstairs to get a glass of water. Jasper eyed me as I walked into the kitchen.

"So…" He started.

"So…" I grabbed a glass and got myself some water.

"You realize Christmas is in a few days right?"

"Is it really?"

"We have a tree somewhere. We haven't put it up in years, but there might be something to celebrate this year…" He smiled and left the room.

I retreated to my room for a little bit and reread one of my books until dinnertime. I sauntered downstairs around five and found Jasper taking something out of the oven that smelled divine. I noticed there was a large box in the corner that hadn't been there before and I wondered what it was.

Dinner was a little awkward. Edward and I kept stealing glanced at each other and Jasper noticed. I could tell because he would stop talking every time one of us did it.

"So Bella are you going to help me with the tree?" Jasper asked.

"Sure." I smiled. "Edward do you want to help us?"

"Not really." He shrugged and pushed his food around his plate.

"Scrooge strikes again," Jasper mumbled.

We finished up dinner and Edward retreated to his room while Jasper and I started on the tree. We decided to put it in the foyer, since there was room for it and we didn't use a lot of the other formal rooms on the first floor.

"So what were you and Edward up to earlier?" Jasper asked, avoiding my eyes.

"Nothing. We were up in the attic looking for some mirrors."

"Edward was looking for some mirrors?" He laughed. "What? He wanted to smash some more or something?"

"No." I shook my head and started stringing the lights around the tree. "We thought maybe it was time to start…cleaning up around here."

"Interesting development," he said softly. "Among others."

"Look." I stopped and turned towards him. "What you saw on the stairs…was nothing."

"Fine." He shrugged. "And it wouldn't matter if it wasn't nothing." He shook his head and smiled. "You obviously get through to him in a way that nobody else does. It could be more than nothing Bella."

"What if I can't fix him Jasper?"

"Then you can't." He started adding ornaments and we continued working in silence. I leaned down to pick up a stray ornament, but his hand beat me there. I jumped back, surprised by his presence.

"Hey," I whispered.

"Hey," Edward said. He stood up and placed the ornament on the tree.

"Well I think that's about it." Jasper took a step back and crossed his arms. "Shall we light her up?"

I cleared my throat and Edward and I stepped back. Jasper leaned over and plugged it in. I smiled as the tree sparked in illumination, sparkling in bursts of light. I'd always loved Christmas trees. They were practically perfect in everyway possible. When I was little I used to crawl underneath ours and stare up at all the lights above me.

We all stared at it for a few moments, taking everything in. I chanced a peek at Edward and I could have sworn his eyes were glassy like he was holding back tears. I imagine this must be hard for him. He hasn't really had a Christmas since his parents died and now the Christmas Spirit has vomited in his foyer. It's a lot to take in.

"Are you okay?" I whispered. He nodded before brushing past me and heading upstairs to hide again.

Jasper and I spent the next couple of days putting up the few Christmas decorations he could find. We didn't see Edward much. I always heard him at night though, except it wasn't the normal screams of terror. It was something beautiful. I'd sneak over and sit outside his door while he played his piano. Even his music was starting to change. The dark, sad tones from before were now smattered with uplifting, euphoric moments that made my heart beat faster with each note. He was penetrating my mind, body and entire soul and I was powerless to stop it. Every smile, every heartbreaking stare pushed him deeper into the cracks of my entire being.

"I'm falling for you…" I whispered as a tear slipped down my cheek. I brushed my fingers over the rough door and went back to my room.

On Christmas morning, I woke to a comforting, soft snowfall outside my window. I smiled and crawled out of bed. I walked over to the window and stared down to the blanket of white below me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone step out of the greenhouse. Edward. He walked around and started towards the woods with a handful of roses in his hands. Before he got too far away, he looked up at my window. I knew he saw me. And he knew I saw him. His stare was so commanding that I couldn't look away. I heard what he was asking without a single word. As soon as he turned away towards the trees, I pulled on my shoes and a sweatshirt. He wanted me to follow him. And I did.

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**A/N: I'll keep it short today : )**

**Go read/review for the Love Is In the Air Contest (link in my profile)**

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**If you have any questions about this story or any of my other stories, I do have a formspring account (link in my profile). I'd be happy to answer anything that won't be answered in the stories.**

**Again, thank you for your support of this story. I can't always thank everyone individually (the life of a busy college student) but I do appreciate everything so thank you! : ) Special Shoutout to Beastward's Bitches on twitter ; )  
**


	11. The Art of Observation

**S.M. owns Twilight. I own the Special Edition DVD of Beauty and the Beast. kdillin is my beta and she deserves a big, shiny castle.**

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**Edward**

The thorns of the roses were cutting into my hands as I trudged through the snow and into the trees. I knew she was behind me the entire time, keeping herself about twenty steps away. I knew from the moment I saw her in that window that I wanted her to come with me. I wanted her to meet my parents.

I came out here every Christmas to lay flowers on their graves. It became my ritual. I was usually too fucked up on the actual anniversary of their deaths that I had to go another day and this just happened to be it.

I walked straight through the clearing and stopped in front of the tombstone. My hands trembled and I couldn't tell if it was from the weight of today or from the cold. Even though the thorns were digging sharply into my skin, I didn't let go. I stood paralyzed, reading over their names again and again like I was still trying to convince myself of the truth.

I leaned over and brushed the snow off the top of the stone. It was so quiet out here that I could hear her breathing behind me. It was almost comforting in a way. Like every time I felt like I was going to lose it I concentrated on her. I knew she wouldn't always be here or able to help. But she was here now.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and told myself to breathe. I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I leaned forward and placed the flowers on their grave. My hand stung in a thousand different places as the thorns pulled away.

As soon as the stems left my hand, she slipped her hand against my palm and weaved her fingers between mine. I closed my eyes as she turned towards me and pressed her forehead into my shoulder. And it made me so fucking angry. I was angry at myself for what I'd become. This wasn't how this was supposed to be.

My life could have been normal. I could have gone through school like every other kid, done well and gone off to college. I could still have my parents with me. I could have avoided all this bullshit that controls my life. And I could have been good for Bella instead of this fucked up version of myself. My ego got in the way. It ruined everything.

My knees gave out from under me and I fell to the cold, wet snow beneath me. I ripped my hand from Bella's and pounded furiously on the ground, screaming out all the hate I possessed and love I never did. It'd consumed me so much that all I could see was darkness. Until I saw her. Even though I denied her at first, I had started clinging onto the hope that she could save me from all of this. I hated putting that burden on her, but I needed it. I needed her to be here without even realizing it. I realized it now.

"Edward?" She dropped down beside me and placed her hand softly on my shoulder. "It's okay."

"No it's not," I said. "I can't even….apologize to them for what I did. I could never say it."

"Well say it now."

"I can't…" I said slowly. I didn't know why the words wouldn't come out. I thought them a million times, always a constant thought in my head. But whenever my lips moved to speak them, nothing came out. I think part of it was that saying it out loud made it real. And it wasn't that it wasn't real now, but those two words left me so vulnerable that it made me tremble with fear. I had no problem saying them to Bella. She was here; it could make her feel better. I couldn't change what happened to my parents.

"You can. Maybe not today, but when you're ready to say it, and I mean really ready…you'll say it. Don't push yourself." She wrapped her arms around me and pulled herself closer.

"It's been seven years."

"And maybe it'll take another seven years. There's no time limit on grief or forgiveness."

"I can't ask them for forgiveness when they aren't here to hear it," I snapped.

"I wasn't talking about them. They're your parents Edward, they've already forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself. Otherwise this thing is going to kill you. It's got such a tight hold on you that it's going to drag you under if you don't let it go." She crawled in front of me and forced me to look at her. "Do you hear me?" She grabbed my chin and cocked her eyebrow.

"It's not that easy."

"I never said it was going to be easy," she mumbled. "Is that what you think? That it should be easy?" Her expression grew tense. "This is going to be the hardest thing you'll ever do."

"Okay," I sighed and looked down at the ground. "I'll work on it."

"Okay." She reached down and grabbed one of my hands again. It felt nice. I wasn't really into holding hands when I was with girls, but I did when I wanted to show someone that they were mine. This was different. It wasn't about showing off. We were the only ones here. There was no one to impress, no territory to claim. It was just me and her.

"Thank you for bringing me with you," she said. I tensed when she buried her head into my chest, but once I got over the shock I snaked my arms around her waist and sighed. I hesitantly leaned down and pressed my lips to her hair. My breath became shaky as her hands roamed lightly up and down my lower back, so soft that it was barely there. Like her fingers were tracing beautiful pictures across my skin.

My fingers twisted, grasping and fisting her shirt as I held her. "I like it when you hold me," she whispered. She shivered in my arms and I finally realized that she was only wearing a sweatshirt.

"Why the hell aren't you wearing a coat?" I asked.

"I just pulled on the first thing I could find." She shrugged.

"You're going to catch fucking pneumonia out here what were you thinking?" I pulled her closer and rubbed my hands furiously over her arms hoping to warm her up. "Let's get back to the house."

I pulled both of us up and took her hand again as we started across the meadow. We didn't say a word on the way back to the house and it gave me some time to think. Or I guess not to think. To have a moment of peace. It was so quiet out here in the woods with her. There was nothing but the crinkle of the snow beneath our feet. It was something so simple and so fucking pure and I was completely overwhelmed that something could even feel like this.

I stopped us just before we stepped out of the trees and turned towards her. "Bella…I…" I shook my head. "I want to tell you something."

"Okay."

I took a deep breath and allowed my hand to drift up to her neck. She leaned into my palm and hummed against my skin. "You give me peace."

She smiled and I felt my chest ache.

We continued back to the house. There was no sign of Jasper so I figured he must be holed up in his house. I walked Bella to her room, but she hesitated halfway inside.

"Um…do you maybe want to…come in?" She leaned against her door.

"Oh." I ran my fingers through my hair. "Yeah sure. I'll just go get some wood for your fire."

She nodded and I took off down the hallway. She was actually inviting me into her room. She wanted to spend time with me and I didn't know what this all meant. Our relationship was obviously changing.

I went downstairs and grabbed some more firewood before heading back upstairs. I hesitated outside her door for a few moments before I finally knocked. There was no answer so I opened the door and stuck my head inside.

The room was mostly dark, except for the faint glow of the light coming from the bathroom. I cleared my throat and sauntered over to her fireplace. I set a few logs inside and lit a match to get it going. I grabbed the poker and pushed it around a little.

"Edward?" Bella called.

"Yeah?"

"I'll be out in a minute. I just wanted to change; my clothes got a little wet outside."

"Okay." I stood up and looked around the room, a little unsure of if I should sit or stand or what the hell I was supposed to do. I finally settled on a chair in the corner of the room and rested my hands on my stomach. My eyes roamed around the room, taking in the little hints of her. Some of her clothes were strewn over the floor or hanging on the bedpost. A few books lay on her nightstand, one of them lying open about halfway through. I picked it up and started browsing through, careful not to lose her spot. I can only imagine her outburst if I fucked something up.

I idly glanced over the top of the book at the bathroom and my breath caught in my throat. Skin. All I could see was skin from her shoulders to her lower back. I could see every shadow and peak of the contours of her back. Through the crack in the door, I watched her hold her shirt to her chest as she looked around the countertop for something. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and glanced up at the mirror, catching my eye in the reflection.

I panicked and thought she would freak out that I was watching her, but she didn't. She held my gaze for a few moments before calmly stepping behind the door. I blinked a few times and returned to the book.

I heard the click of the bathroom light switch and looked up again as Bella walked in the room with some sweatpants and a t-shirt on.

"Hey," she mumbled.

"Hey." I set the book down as she plopped down on her bed. "You like books?"

"I do." She smiled. "I've read all of them more than once since I've been here. I wasn't planning on having this much free time."

"Where were you supposed to be?"

She hesitated before she spoke. "Well I don't know if it was where I was supposed to be, but I was heading to Europe."

"Why Europe?"

"I don't know I just…" She propped herself up on her elbow. "I couldn't stay in that town anymore. It just felt like I was getting stuck there. Like I was waiting for some type of purpose to come walking by me and it never did. So I decided to go out and find it."

"And did you?" I cocked my eyebrow.

"We'll see, but it looks promising."

I laughed and glanced at her nightstand again. I noticed a picture of her and an older man, her father. I winced at little when I saw how happy they looked together.

"That's my dad," she said.

"Yeah I know," I sighed. "I had a few chats with him in my younger years."

"Oh." She nodded. "Right I forgot you were a little hell raiser."

"That I was." I tapped my finger on the arm of the chair. "So are you close? You and your dad?"

"Yeah I guess. I mean we're not really overly emotional with each other, but we have an understanding. I love him a lot."

"And you miss him?" I wanted her to say no. I wanted her to say that she was happy here. Was she happy here?

"I'd miss him wherever I was. He's my dad."

"Yeah." I nodded. I guess that's what she should say. She and I had a very different idea of family. "What about your mom?"

"She lives in Florida with her husband. I don't really see her much. I moved in with my dad when I was in high school."

I nodded and rested my head against the back of the chair.

"Edward how did you get your scars?"

I looked down and felt my blush creep onto my skin. "I…uh…" I stuttered.

"I'm sorry." She jumped off the bed and stood before me, tugging lightly on the ends of her hair.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked you that." Her hands fell to her sides as she bit down on her lip. "Can I try something?"

"Okay," I whispered.

She cautiously stepped forward and placed her knees on either side of my hips as she pulled herself over me. She sat back on my legs, creating a little distance, and pulled her shirt up slightly. "Can you see it?"

"See what?"

"When I was five I had to have my appendix removed." She grabbed my finger and brushed it over her skin. I could feel a small pocket of raised skin. "I have them too. I mean I know they're not like yours," she mumbled. "But everyone has scars."

She pulled her hand away from mine, but I lingered on her stomach, running my finger over her scar. For some fucked up reason, it was comforting.

"You're still beautiful…" I said.

"So are you." She hesitantly lifted her hand. "Can I?"

I didn't know what she meant at first, but when I didn't answer she slowly moved her hand forward and ran her fingers lightly over my skin. I closed my eyes and allowed my other hand to drift up to her stomach. I loved holding her like this. It felt like I think it was supposed to feel. When you feel something for someone. This is what it's like.

She pulled herself closer to me, brushing her hips against mine. I groaned under my breath and wanted to pull her against me again. I wanted that friction with her. Every time she touched me it set my skin on fire and it always left me wanting more.

Her fingers danced just below my eyes and across my cheeks, tracing the unnatural lines in my skin. It wasn't like she was just touching them, she was caressing them. Like I wasn't a monster. Like maybe they're just another part of me.

"Is this okay?" She whispered.

"Yes," I breathed. I opened my eyes and was surprised to find her so close. I felt her sweet breath wash over me and moved my hands to her hips. I pulled her forward a little, forcing her against the bulge in my jeans. Her eyes found mine and I expected her to freak out, but she didn't. She opened her mouth like she was about to speak, but nothing came out. Silence.

We both sat there frozen for a long minute before I cleared my throat and sat up a little. She sighed and her hands fell from my face. They rested on her thighs, tapping lightly on her legs like she was trying to figure out a complicated riddle.

"Uh…" I looked around the room, frantic about what to say or do. I spotted her books lying by the bed. "I want to show you something."

"Okay." She smiled a little and removed herself from my lap. I stood up and put my hands in my pockets as I walked towards the door. I looked back and saw her still standing by the chair.

"Well come on." I nodded towards the door. I opened it and stepped out into the hallway. She followed quickly after and I led her towards my side of the house. She looked a little confused when we stopped in front of the first door. I assumed that she hadn't snuck in on her adventures over here. I could imagine if she really loved books as much as it seems that she couldn't have resisted sneaking a few back to her room.

I reached for the handle, stopping short of twisting it open. "Close your eyes."

"Really?" She said, crossing her arms in front of her. She was irritated.

"It's still Christmas and I didn't give you a gift yet. So yes. Really." I laughed and waited for her to do as I said. She rolled her eyes at me and finally closed them tight.

"Okay they're closed."

"Are you cheating?"

"No," she said. I narrowed my eyes at her just to test her. When I was convinced they were really closed I opened the door to the library. I turned around and grabbed her hands so I could lead her inside.

"Stay here for a minute." I let her go and turned on the two lamps in there. There were still embers glowing in the fireplace from this morning, so I added a few logs before I stepped back in front of her. I did one last look around to make sure everything was how I wanted it. "Okay. Open your eyes."

She inched her eyes open and gasped. "Edward…" She breathed, taking in all of the books. "Jasper wasn't kidding when he called this a library." She spun around smiling.

"Do you like it?"

"I love it. It's beautiful."

"Good. I want you to come in here…whenever you like. Take whatever books you want."

She started to protest, but I held my hand up. "No arguing. It's yours."

"I will agree to this on one condition." She took a step towards me and cocked her eyebrow. "Will you play for me?"

"If I must."

"You must."

"Fine." I sauntered over to the piano and sat down. I brushed my fingers along the keys, trying to decide what to play. And then I finally did. I played what I was feeling, little bits and pieces of my thoughts, all laid out on the keys. Bella smiled and started ambling around the library, occasionally pulling out a book or two and taking a closer look. Once she found one that she liked she went over to the couch by the fireplace and sat down. She glanced my way before she opened it to the first page and started reading.

I played for a while longer, enough to appease her at least. When I was finished I poured myself a drink and sat down on the chair across from her. She raised her eyebrows at me and nodded towards my drink.

"What I can't drink?" I snapped.

"You didn't ask if I wanted one?"

"Do you want one?"

"Yes I would thank you." She went back to her book. I got up, poured her a drink and sat it at the table beside her. She smiled and took a sip.

I sat back down and found myself occupied with her presence. My drink rested in my lap as I watched her read through what must have been chapters and chapters of books. I watched her until my drink was gone two times over and she never looked up once. I couldn't get over the way the flickers of the fire danced over her skin, making it glow in the most exquisite way I've ever seen. She was soft. Stunning. Especially when she got to a particularly mysterious part in the book. I could tell because her eyes moved faster and faster across the page and she started nibbling on her thumb like she was on the edge of her seat waiting to see what was going to happen. When it was over she sighed in relief and relaxed back into the couch. It was captivating to watch her read. Almost like I was reading the book with her.

She finally looked up and noticed me watching her.

"What?" She asked.

"Nothing." I smirked and took a sip of my drink. I'd had enough that I was starting to feel buzzed, a little more relaxed than I was before. I swished it around in my mouth before swallowing with a loud gulp.

"Have you been watching me this whole time?"

"You're very fascinating while you read."

"My dad tells me I tend to get lost in the story. Says he might as well be talking to a wall."

I laughed and swirled my drink around in my cup. She took a large sip of hers, finishing off her first glass. I got up and quickly poured her another.

She went back to reading, except every now and then she'd peek at me over the top of her book.

"What happened to getting lost?" I asked.

"I know you're watching now."

"And does that bother you?"

"No. It's just…" She shook her head and tried to avoid smiling. "Now that I know you're there I can't…look away."

We continued in this pattern for an immeasurable amount of time. She pretended to read while I made no measure to hide that I was watching her. She'd read a page or two and glance up at me. We started out smiling at each other or she'd make a face, but as the minutes passed they turned into stares full of questions and intrigue. It was like we were having a silent conversation, but nothing was being said. It was just a feeling, like we were connecting on a different level. I found myself in her eyes, a version of myself I never knew I could be. She finally set the book down on her stomach and settled down into the couch.

"Razor blades," I murmured.

"What?" She sat up.

"My scars. They're from razor blades."

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**A/N: Phew. Sexual tension is starting to go through the roof.  
**

**Voting is open in the One Shot Soundtrack. I'd appreciate if you head on over and vote for your favorite entry : )**

**Love Is In the Air Contest should have a ballot out for voting relatively soon according to my sources. I have an entry in that so make sure you vote for your favorite.**

**I will probably not be able to update either of my stories until at least a week from Thursday (3/10) because a. I have midterms this week b. Next week I will be in Florida at Harry Potter World. I know, I know you're really jealous. I will probably be the oldest and most excited person there. Anyway I didn't want you looking for anything when I won't be around to write it. I decided to go with a LLW update over SL this week just because I'm already stressed and SL makes me really emo so I nixed it for this week. Both should be back and running after I get back.**

**Thank you again everyone for your reviews and all the recc's I get for this story. It's greatly appreciated and I really love reading all your reviews. You are all very smart and very hilarious and you make me smile. Have a great couple of weeks!  
**


	12. Crumbling

**S.M. owns Twilight. kdillin is the best beta evah!**

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**Bella**

Razor blades.

I stopped breathing for infinite moments the instant those two words fell from his lips. I guess I knew that whatever it was wouldn't be pleasant and I had no idea what I was expecting him to say, but that definitely wasn't it.

"O-okay," I stuttered, nodding my head quickly. "Okay." I felt stupid but I didn't really know how to respond. I turned back to my book, failing to read a single word on the page. My mind was too busy running through every scenario. Did he do this to himself? I felt like every answer he gave me opened up a mountain full of other questions and puzzles to figure out.

I sat there with my thoughts for longer than I realized before I closed the book and brought it to rest on my lap. Edward had fallen asleep in the chair, the remainder of his drink sloshing back and forth in his glass with each breath he took.

I stood up and set the book on the table beside me. After carefully removing the glass from Edward's hand I reached for a blanket sitting along the back of the couch and covered him up. I thought about waking him and making him go to bed, but I didn't want to disturb him.

I leaned down and examined his face again, running my fingers repeatedly over his scars. I held my breath as I inched closer and brushed my lips across his uneven skin. I ran my fingers through his hair as my lips lingered on his cheek. "Beautifully broken…" I whispered. "But beautiful none the less." I kissed his temple and checked on the fire before retreating back to my room to sleep. I was so exhausted that my eyes closed before my head even hit the pillow.

I thought I was dreaming it at first. The sounds I mean. I'd grown so used to him making it through the night without any commotion that I didn't believe it was real. The crash of the glass was loud and clear, echoing down the hallway from the library.

"Edward!" I shot out of bed and swung my legs over the side as I reached frantically for the light. "Edward!" I screamed again.

I darted out into the hallway and stumbled across the top of the stairs to the library. I pushed the library door open just as another glass crashed against the wall.

"Edward stop!" I rushed over to him and grabbed his arm.

"You can't fix me Bella!" He yelled. "I'm not okay!" His nostrils flared as he launched the glass at the wall. "I just want to be okay!" He tugged roughly on the ends of his hair and started pacing around the room.

I didn't understand what was happening. Everything had been going so well. I thought I was helping him. I guess everything I knew was wrong.

"I should have known that I couldn't escape it. They always come back. I…always see it in my head." He stopped in front of me and rubbed his eyes before looking down at me. "You make it better. God you make it so much fucking better, but I can't…it never goes away. I was stupid to think it could." He placed his hands on either side of my face as his shoulders heaved up and down.

"It's never going to go away." I shook my head, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to expose how deeply I felt for him. I didn't realize it until that moment, but he was quickly becoming a part of me. Almost like breathing. It wasn't always easy, but the thought of being without him was completely debilitating. "Something like that is never going to go away, but you don't have to do this alone. You don't. I'm here."

"You're not always going to be!" He screamed. "You're going to have to leave sometime Bella. You can't stay here forever."

"But I'm here now."

"I can't." He shook his head. "I'm not…I don't know what I'm doing."

I took a step towards him and placed my hand lightly on his chest. I fisted his shirt, twisting and pulling it in my hand as I brought him closer.

"I can't want you like this Bella…" He whispered. He took a deep breath and lifted his hand to my neck, almost close enough to touch my skin. "I'm not…good."

"I want you too," I murmured. "I want you to want me." I inched closer, brushing my nose along the scruff of his jaw. "Like this."

His hand wrapped around my neck and I was roughly forced back against the bookshelves. A few books tumbled down and landed on the floor with a thud.

My heart was racing, thumping loudly against my chest with each beat. I thought he was angry with me. His eyes were wild, burning with something so dark and deep that it was impossible to read.

He breathed hard through his nose as his eyes traveled down to my neck, where his fingers were pressed into my skin. I held my breath as they tightened, unsure of what he was doing. His fingers washed over my skin and down to my shoulder. It was tender and demanding at the same time, something I've never experienced before. He was the ultimate contradiction. Rough and soft.

My knees shook beneath me as his fingers skimmed across my chest and dipped between my breasts and he continued his path south. He settled on my hip before quickly grabbing my leg and bringing it up around his waist. He pressed his body against mine, trapping me between him and the books. I had nowhere to go and I still didn't know what was going on in his head.

I whimpered as he slid his body against mine. I could feel him hard, straining against his jeans as he moved. He forced my arms above my head, enveloping them in one hand as he shifted against me again. He lowered his face to mine, so close that I could feel his breath on me. The embers from the fire crackled and popped, casting flickers of light across his face. He glanced down at my lips like he was going to kiss me. I held my breath as he inched his lips towards mine. I closed my eyes, clenching my fingers around his hand as much as he allowed. I expected to feel his lips against mine. I wanted them on me. I wanted to feel him. Everywhere.

My eyes shot open as I felt him take my bottom lip between his teeth and pull. He was primal, raw. Not kissing me, but consuming me like I was a decadent meal. He groaned and continued down my neck, dragging his teeth along me. He began to move his fingers against my palm, pressing harder and slower with each pass. I couldn't help but think of how they would feel across my body.

I managed to wiggle one of my hands free from his grip and slinked it down his chest, reaching for the top of his jeans. He responded by pressing himself harder against me, stopping my hand at his stomach. My eyes rolled back in my head as a moan escaped my lips. I was surprised at how quickly I was coming undone against him.

"Harder," I whispered. He pressed himself against me again, forcing the stacks of shelves into my back. It was almost uncomfortable but I never would have asked him to stop. "Harder," I said again.

He pulled back and reached between us, grabbing me at the seam of my jeans. He shifted his palm up and down, rubbing it roughly against me.

"Fuck you're beautiful," he breathed. He released my hands and cupped my face, running his fingers across my open lips. I ran my fingers through his hair, gripping tightly at the nape of his neck and tilting his head back. I crashed into my release, shuddering and trembling against him as his name tumbled endlessly from my lips.

I smiled and closed my eyes, allowing my head to fall limply to his shoulder. I pressed my lips against his t-shirt as he slowly let me down to the floor. I dropped to my knees without hesitation and reached for the button on his jeans.

"What are you doing?" He asked, taking a small step back.

"I was…" I shook my head and reached for him again. "I mean you…" I nodded to his jeans.

"No." He took another step back. My heart sank and I felt so embarrassed. He didn't want me to.

"I'm sorry." I scrambled to my feet and started tugging on my shirt.

"Shit," he breathed. "Don't be sorry. It's not that I don't want you to okay?" He brushed my hair away from my cheek. "I just don't want to be that guy from before. Who I used to be. I don't want this to be just about that okay?"

"Then what is this about?" I looked up at him expectantly. He didn't answer. "Kiss me," I said.

"No," he denied me again.

I cowered back. I wanted him to kiss me. I mean really kiss me. That thing before…that biting thing was sexy as hell but I wanted something more. Edward sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before he turned around and started towards the door.

"Are you kidding me?" I yelled, following after him. He went down to his room, not bothering to answer my question. He stepped into the bathroom and started the shower as he pulled his shirt over his head. "You can just…get me off like its nothing, but you won't fucking kiss me?"

He stopped in the doorway and stretched his arms across the way, holding on tightly to the doorframe. "I didn't hear you complaining," he said, cocking his eyebrow at me. "And no I'm not going to kiss you. I don't want to kiss you when I'm angry Bella."

"And you're angry now?"

"Yeah you're starting to piss me off. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go jack off so my dick doesn't explode." He backed into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him.

"This conversation is not over…" I mumbled.

I sighed and looked around the room. It was still relatively clean, just a few things out of place. I noticed his yearbook that I'd looked at before sitting on the nightstand beside his bed. I grabbed it and started flipping through it to pass the time. I lingered on the page with Edward's picture, and James' picture. Something was pulling me to it and I didn't know why. Something was there.

My breath hitched in my throat when I saw it dangling from his neck. James wore a silver chain as a necklace with a razor blade hanging on the end.

"Oh God…" I whispered, tears starting to form behind my eyes. James did this to him. He hurt him. I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I didn't hear the bathroom door open.

"Bella? What's wrong?" Edward rubbed his hair with his towel and started towards the bed.

"He did this to you didn't he?" I cried, holding up the book. "James. He cut you." The book fell from my trembling fingers as I started sobbing. I didn't know why I was so affected. I guess I couldn't fathom that level of evil in one person. He killed Edward's parents and maimed him. I couldn't understand it.

A moment later Edward's arms were wrapped around me, comforting me for his pain. "Yes," he answered. He pulled the covers up around us as he laid us down in the bed. I cried into his chest for everything he went through and everything he's going through because of that man.

And just like that it stopped. I stopped crying. He still held me close, both of us sitting in the silence of the room trying to decide where to go from here. The lingering static from our kind-of fight and my almost breakdown was suffocating.

"I went to my parents room after it happened," Edward said after a while. He brushed his lips over my forehead, all traces of anger and hostility gone. "I saw my mother lying in bed, covered in her own blood and I…didn't know what was happening. I stumbled back over my father's body and that's when I saw him. James." He started playing with a strand of my hair, staring at it like his mind was somewhere else. "I screamed when he dragged the blade across my face. Over and over again. But no one heard me. And all he did was laugh."

I pulled myself onto his lap.

"I must have passed out from shock. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital feeling like I was suffocating from all of the bandages over my face. The police came in to tell me what I already knew, that my parents were gone. The perpetrators were gone. I was the only one left and my face had been sliced to hell."

I sniffled and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I'm sorry." He turned towards me, brushing his nose against my cheek.

"Part of me used to think I deserved it," he whispered.

"And now?"

He looked down at my lips before sweeping up to meet my eyes again. "I'm starting to think everything I knew was wrong."

"Edward," I mumbled. I caressed his cheek and inched my lips towards his. He could deny me before, but I refused to let him deny me this. I wanted to kiss him.

"Bella…" he warned.

"Please." I ran my finger over his lips and closed my eyes as he pressed his lips against mine. His lips were soft, moving slow and tender against mine. I felt all of him in it, the kind and gentle man mixed with the ferocious unpredictable bastard. And I knew in that moment that everything had changed.

He pulled back, a small smirk playing on his lips, before he kissed me again and pushed me down into the bed.

"Can I stay here with you?" I asked.

He didn't say anything. He just sat up and turned off the lamp beside his bed before he laid back down beside me. "Good night pretty girl."

I smiled and snuggled into his pillow, drowning in his scent.

When I woke up in the morning, I was laying across his bare chest. It rose and fell with each deep breath that he took, still deep in sleep.

I tried to sneak away without disturbing him, but I should have known better.

"Where are you going?" He asked, his eyes still closed.

"I'm hungry."

He held up one finger and rolled over to his side, reaching into the cabinet under his nightstand. He pulled out the missing box of Lucky Charms and I gasped.

"You! You've been hoarding them!"

"You were eating all of them, I had to," he laughed. He stopped instantly, almost like he'd been caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar.

"It's okay to laugh Edward." I laid down beside him and dug a handful of cereal from the box.

He shook his head and started eating. He held the box close to his chest, stealing glances at me every now and then. I reached for another handful, but he pulled it away. I narrowed my eyes at him and cleared my throat. He smirked and reached his hand inside. He pulled out a single marshmallow and turned towards me.

"Open," he demanded.

I shook my head.

"Open." He inched closer and brushed his nose against my cheek. I slowly opened my mouth and he slipped the marshmallow inside. I was quick to close my lips around his finger before he could sneak them out. He watched, fascinated as I kissed the tips of his fingers.

I whimpered as he threw the box aside and rolled on top of me. I couldn't say I'd ever been so excited about a round two of dry-humping.

He settled his elbows on either side of my head before dipping his head down, past my chest to my stomach. He grabbed onto my shirt and pulled it up a little, exposing the scar I'd shown him before. He leaned down and swiped his tongue across it as I laced my fingers through his hair, edging him on. His fingers played idly with the waistband on my sweatpants, pushing deeper and deeper each time.

"You know," he mumbled against my skin. "We should probably go see if Jasper's awake before he barges in here."

"What?" I sat up on my elbows. "Why are you stopping?"

"I think he might pour bleach in his eyes if he walks in on anything else."

I smacked his shoulder as he rolled off the bed. "That was mean."

He laughed under his breath and disappeared into the bathroom. I got up and went to my room to make sure I was presentable…which basically means I put a bra on.

I didn't wait for Edward to go downstairs. Jasper was in the kitchen cooking something on the stove.

"Good morning," I said.

"Good morning."

"Good morning," Edward said, stepping into the room.

"Good morning." Jasper eyed the two of us suspiciously and took a sip of his coffee before he spoke. "Do I need to Lysol something?"

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"The only good morning from Edward is when he got laid the night before."

Edward snorted from his seat at the table.

"He did not get laid." I turned towards Edward. "You did not get laid." I turned back towards Jasper. "He did not get laid." I don't know why but I still felt like we got caught. I could almost feel my face turning red.

Jasper stepped towards me and his brow furrowed in confusion. "You've got a...purple horseshoe in your hair." He picked the marshmallow from the top of my head and tossed it into the sink. "So…" He sipped his coffee again. "Did you find the…gold at the end of the rainbow?"

Edward laughed again from behind me and I stomped off out of the room, completely embarrassed. I went up to my room and took a shower. I discovered a red balloon and orange star in my shirt and plucked them in my mouth. When I was finished, I cautiously went back downstairs.

Jasper was alone in the kitchen, reading a book at the table with a new steaming cup of coffee.

"Hey," I mumbled, tugging at my shirt.

"Hey." He looked up and smiled. I sat down across from him. "I'm sorry, if I embarrassed you earlier."

"You didn't," I lied.

"Yes I did."

"Where's Edward?"

"Went for a run," Jasper said.

I looked out the window towards the forest and wondered if he was visiting his parents again.

"Hey I wanted to ask you something…" He cleared his throat and started playing with his cup.

"That girl…that you were with at the grocery store…"

"Alice."

"Alice. Is she…does she…is she seeing someone?"

"Not to my knowledge but I have been practically off the planet for the last couple of months out here with you. For all I know she could have eloped in Vegas with the man from the Armani ads she loves."

"Do you think maybe I could ask her out? I mean when you leave?"

I smiled. "I think that'd be a good idea." Alice could be good for him. Jasper was so used to living his life for Edward that I was fairly sure he didn't do much for himself. I don't want to say Alice was the complete opposite, she wasn't selfish. Alice was just Alice, loud and opinionated and confident. They would balance each other out perfectly.

Jasper and I talked for the next half hour until Edward came in the back door, a rose twirling between his fingers. He smiled so big that his scars were barely noticeable at all. All I could see was him and how happy he was. Was he happy? Was he on his way back from the hell he'd been living in all this time? My heart swelled at the thought of him like that.

"Hi," I said, biting down on my lip.

"Hi." He handed me the rose. "Will you have dinner with me tonight?"

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**A/N: *cue Mrs. Pots and her singing***

**Thank you for reading : ) I had a blast on Spring Break. Just a few announcements:**

**- My entry for the Love Is In The Air contest won 2nd places in the voter's poll so thank you so much to everyone for reading and reviewing and voting. If you missed it while it was in the contest, or just want to read it again, I've posted it to my page. It's called To The Moon and Back and features NASAward. : )**

**-I announced the winners from the One Shot Soundtrack last night on my blog, so you should check that out to see their blinkies : ) Congrats to ALL the authors on doing such a tremendous job with it. **

**Thanks again for all your reviews, reccs ect. Beastward loves you...well kinda.  
**


	13. Not Him

**A/N: This chapter was majorly influenced by the song "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls, which majorly influenced the character of Beastward as well. S.M. owns Twilight, kdillin is my badass beta.**

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"I don't know how to do this," I said, pacing around the kitchen. Jasper stood, leaning against the doorframe with an amused look on his face. The moment Bella left to shower I started panicking about our dinner tonight.

"Edward Cullen worried about impressing a girl?" Jasper laughed. "Just be your usual charming self that I'm sure is in there somewhere. You know," he waved his hand, "woo her."

"Is that a new position or something?"

Jasper sighed and shook his head. "Lest we forget the only dates you ever had in high school were in the backseat of cars or an empty closet."

"I don't want it to be about that Jasper. I want to make her happy."

"You're already making her happy or she obviously wouldn't have agreed to have dinner with you. Pull out your mom's old recipe book. I'm sure we have the supplies to make at least something in there." He patted my back and left.

"Thanks for the help," I said sarcastically. I had no idea what I was doing. Jasper was right. I didn't really do the whole...date thing. I wasn't used to wanting anything except for sex from a girl and now that I did, I had no idea how to deal with it. I felt like a fucking nervous thirteen year old going on his first date and it was driving me to the brink of panic.

I reached for my mom's old cookbook and started flipping through it. I wasn't much of a cook, but I guess all I had to do was follow the instructions right? That can't be too complicated.

"What the fuck does zest mean?" I scratched my head and moved onto another recipe, hoping I could find one that I could understand. Maybe this was a bad idea.

I finally found something that looked easy enough so I started searching through the cabinets for everything I needed. Jasper had everything organized according to how he liked it so it took me a damn hour to find all the things I needed.

I pulled out a pan turned on the stove, just like the instructions said. I ran my fingers through my hair and swiped my finger along the words as I read through the recipe. I looked back at the pan, expecting the water to be boiling. It wasn't.

"What the fuck?" I leaned down and cautiously dipped my finger quickly in and out of the water to test it. Cold. I picked up the pan and waved my hand underneath it to see if there was anything coming from the burner. Nothing.

I tapped my foot and set the pan back down on the burner. I shook my head and ran my hands underneath the faucet so I could start preparing the food. When I was finished I wiped them off on a dishtowel and absentmindedly threw it back onto the counter before leaning over the recipe to skim through it again.

I stopped when something caught my attention. Some kind of shitty smell was getting stronger and stronger. I sniffed and turned around to find the towel ablaze on the burner. "Shit!" I screamed. I ran over and pinched the only part of it that wasn't on fire so I could throw it in the sink and douse it with water.

I heard someone laugh behind me and I turned around just in time to see her brown hair slip back into the hallway. I narrowed my eyes at the doorway and crept across the room. Once I reached it, I pressed myself flat against the wall and waited. A few moments later she tentatively peeked her head out and her brow furrowed when she realized I'd disappeared.

She gasped as I darted out, enveloped her waist in my hands and trapped her against the wall.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Nothing," she squeaked.

"I thought I told you to stay upstairs." I kinked my eyebrow.

"I got curious." She shrugged.

"Curious?" I rubbed my thumb against her hipbone.

"Yeah."

"Hmm," I mused. I bit down on my lip and nodded my head as I brushed my fingers up from her hipbones. She shivered and reached forward, looping her fingers through my belt loops. I scratched lightly at her ribs and quickly maneuvered over her breasts. I smirked and dipped one down the cleavage of her shirt, barely brushing along the top of her bra before I stepped back and crossed my arms.

"What are you doing?" She breathed with a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"I got curious." I shrugged and went back into the kitchen. "Stay in your room."

"Fine."

I smiled when I heard her stomping up the stairs and I figured she'd stay up there like I told her to. I had plenty of other ways to torture her with curiosity if she decided otherwise.

I went back to the stove, switched the pot to the burner I'd actually turned on and started getting everything ready. Jasper eventually ambled through, raised his eyebrows at the charred towel in the sink and left without mumbling a single word.

Once everything was in the oven or simmering, whatever that means, I went upstairs to get ready.

I took a quick shower and started browsing through my shirts, my towel wrapped lightly around my waist. I wanted to look nice for her and I found myself getting anxious again.

I settled on a nice, black button up and shrugged it on as my towel fell to the ground with a soft thud. I pulled on some boxers and dress pants before picking my towel up off the ground and hanging it up in the bathroom. I leaned over the sink, examining the stubble on my face. I debated shaving, but decided in the end to keep it. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't see them, my scars I mean. Or at least they weren't the first thing I saw when I looked at my reflection.

There was a knock on the door and for a minute I thought maybe Bella had snuck over here.

"Edward?" Jasper poked his head inside. "I think your food is almost done. It smells fucking good."

"Really?" I stuck my head out of the bathroom. To be completely honest, I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out. I thought I might have to break out more Lucky Charms or something just in case shit went south.

"Yeah. Can you save me some leftovers or something?" He stepped into the bathroom. "Pulling out the big guns huh?"

"There's nothing wrong with looking nice." I button the sleeves on my shirt and glanced up at him in the mirror. "And I'll save you food as long as you do me a favor. I didn't have time to do it earlier."

"Okay."

"It's about the greenhouse." I elaborated my plan to him and he instantly agreed to do it, even though it required a bit of work on his part.

"How'd you come up with that?" He asked when I was finished.

"I don't know. Turned on my romance switch I guess."

"It's fucking brilliant." He laughed and left the room.

I went through my bathroom cabinets three more times before I decided I was ready. I guess I was stalling, trying to find something else to do other than go to her. I didn't want to mess this up and I had this gut feeling that I was somehow going to ruin everything. I'd come to know myself as nothing but a virus, a vicious dark mass that taints everything it touches. I don't want to taint her. I want her to stay just the way she is.

I took a deep breath and walked out into the hallway. Jasper was already rummaging around in the attic as I walked to her room, trying to find what he needed.

I raised my hand to knock on her door just as it flew open. She stood before me in a casual dress, the color of the sun on a summer day. It complimented her skin perfectly, giving her a soft glow behind her rosy blush. I couldn't help but notice my mother's necklace hanging from her neck like there was no other place it belongs than resting against her.

"Holy shit," I whispered.

"Is this not okay?" Her expression turned panicked. "I mean I didn't know what I was supposed to wear and this is the nicest thing I brought with me, I…"

I gently grabbed her wrist and smiled. "That 'Holy Shit' was a good thing. You look…beautiful."

"Oh." She cleared her throat. "Thanks." She took a moment to compose herself before she brushed her hand over my chest like she was appraising my shirt. "I'm sorry I guess I'm just a little nervous. You look very handsome."

We looked at each other, both wondering if we were supposed to kiss now. I was starting to think that second kisses were worse than first kisses on the awkward factor. At least the first time, you're excited at the prospect of the unknown. Now I didn't know what the fuck our relationship was or if I was allowed to just kiss her when I wanted. Because I wanted to.

"Dinner should be ready," I mumbled. I stuck my hands in my pockets and took a step towards the staircase. She closed her door and followed right behind me in silence. We finally made it downstairs and I noticed Jasper had set up some candles on the table. I didn't ask him to do that, but I made it a point to thank him later. It made the whole room look softer and since I'd apparently become a major pussy lately I guess it was appropriate.

"It smells really good," Bella said. She lifted her nose in the air like she was relishing the scent of the food. My eyes immediately went to her neck and the shadows of the valleys and peaks of her collarbone below. I licked my lips and smiled a little to myself.

Bella cleared her throat and I jumped a little in surprise when I realized she was staring back at me. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Just…watching you." I thought for a moment that it sounded creepy, but that quickly passed. I wasn't ashamed.

"And what do you see?"

I sauntered towards her and ran my finger across the same collarbone I was admiring a moment before. "Strength," I whispered as I circled around her, my finger trailing gently behind. "Decadence…Fascination." I came to stand in front of her. "Beauty."

She closed her eyes and hummed a soft flutter so quiet that I barely heard it escape from her lips. My hand tightened ever so slightly on her shoulder, an involuntary reaction to her very presence. "God you are so sexy…" I whispered. She leaned down and pressed her lips against my arm.

"We better eat or the food is going to go to waste." I smirked apologetically and took her hand in mine as I led her to the table.

I pulled out her chair for her because that's what every good guy always did in the movies. I wanted to be the good guy for once. I was sick of being the villain.

I pulled the food out of the oven and dished it onto our plates as Bella watched anxiously from the table, peeking her head up as far as it would go. I laughed under my breath and shook my head at her frustration. She was fucking cute when she was antsy.

I carried both of our plates over to the table and set hers in front of her. "Bon Appetit." I set my plate down at the other side and popped the cork off of the bottle of wine I'd set out earlier. I poured us each a glass and sat down at my chair, instantly feeling the distance between us. I didn't understand tables like this. Why the hell do I want to sit six feet away from someone I'm eating dinner with? It was stupid.

Before I could say anything. Bella stood up and I got worried that something was wrong and she was going to leave. Instead she moved her plate and glass of wine closer to me and scooted her chair across the floor. "There," she said. "I didn't like being so far away from you."  
We ate in relative silence, but it wasn't uncomfortable. I was genuinely starting to believe that the most meaningful conversations between two people come in the silence. Sure Bella and I had a lot of important things to actually talk about, but it was the words exchanged in the sound of silence that made me feel closer to her than ever.

I felt her staring every now and then. I'd finish chewing and casually look up at her. She'd lock eyes with me for a few moments, smile and then look down at her food almost embarrassed for being caught.

When I was finished, I found myself completely captivated by her; the way she twirled her fork around or the sound she made after every bite. I rested my head on my hand and waited contently for her to finish. As she did, she set her fork down and glanced up at me while her hands played with the napkin in her lap.

"I want to show you something. Will you go somewhere with me?"

"Yes."

I stood and held out my hand. "It's a long walk are you sure you're up for it."

"I'd go anywhere with you." Her hand tightened in mine and I swear I felt a warmth radiate from my chest.

"Are you sure?" I shook my head. "I mean it could be kind of a treacherous journey…" I opened up the backdoor and we stepped outside. "And we could be gone all night."

She kinked her eyebrow as I led her towards the greenhouse. I stopped in front of it and smiled. "We're here."

"Long and treacherous huh?"

"Okay I might have exaggerated that a little. But it's very possible we could be gone all night." I pushed the door open and pulled her inside. She crashed gently against my chest and I wrapped my arms around her waist.

"It's so dark in here," she mumbled.

"Turn on the lights." I smiled in the darkness and watched as her shadow leaned towards the light switch and flipped it on.

A thousand tiny lights flickered above us, almost like we were sitting under the brightest stars in the sky. Jasper had really outdone himself.

"Christmas lights?" She asked, stepping away from me. She slowly walked around the greenhouse, her eyes focused on the beautiful glow of the canopy of lights above her. "Did you do this?"

"Jasper helped." I shrugged and followed her around, always a step behind.

"It's...breathtaking. You didn't have to do all this." She turned towards me and smiled.

"Yes I did." I stepped forward and brushed my hand across her cheek. She leaned over and ran her finger over the tops of the roses, gently caressing each petal like it could shatter at any moment. "Bella I've never known anyone like you. I didn't want anyone to see me so I shut the whole world out. And now I find myself wanting to give everything...all of me...to you."

"Why me?" She mumbled, plucking a rose out and bringing it to her nose. "Why did you let me in? You could have pushed me away, kept me out like everyone else. Why me?"

I brushed her hair over her shoulder and leaned down to press my lips to her skin. "Because you wouldn't let me. And ever since I met you, I wanted you to know me. Even when I was fighting it." I kissed her neck, all the way up to her ear as she twirled the rose in her fingers. I gently nibbled on her skin and ran my hand across the top of her chest, just along the hem of her dress. She hummed and the rose fell from her hands to the ground. Her head fell back against me as her eyes fluttered closed.

She placed her hand over mine and guided it down, dipping them into her dress and across her chest. I sucked in a quick breath when I felt her bare skin below my fingers, puckered and swollen at my touch.

"I want you to touch me," she whispered. She removed her hand from her dress and slinked it up around my neck before grasping my hair and pulling my face to hers. I continued massaging her breast as her lips crashed roughly against mine, searching out every feeling and desire between us.

I mumbled a growl and my free hand quickly found its place on her thigh, rubbing the fabric against her skin. I pulled it up farther and farther until I felt her bare leg beneath my fingers. I reached higher until I reached the soft silk of her underwear. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if this is what she wanted. She answered me by pushing her hips forward to meet my hand, striving for the friction she so desperately wanted.

"Relax baby, I'll give you what you want..." I murmured against her lips. I dipped my fingers beneath the silk and pressed them against her. I couldn't help but rock my hips against her back as my fingers worked, slipping in and out of her with quick precision. She moaned into my mouth and moved her hips in sync with me, forcing my fingers deeper inside of her. I almost lost it, just thinking about what it would feel like to really be inside of her. My dick was so hard; it was more than uncomfortable trapped inside my pants. Every time I pressed myself against her, a shock ran though my entire body and left me shaking like a fucking live wire.

My hand left her for a moment as I reached for her leg and lifted it up. I rested her foot on the lower shelf of the table in front of us and brought my hand back to the place I was; inside her. I held her close to me as I felt her knees start to buckle beneath us.

"Come on," I whispered. "I know you're almost there." I twisted my fingers inside her and curled them back, stroking her harder than before.

She moaned quietly as her thighs clenched tightly together, trapping my hand between them.

"That's it." I pulled my fingers out slightly and gently pinched her skin as she crashed into her release. Her shoulders were heaving up and down as she melted back into me. "Good girl." I pressed my lips to her shoulder and whispered to her as she rode it out. I realized that her dress had fallen down in the front, completely exposing her breast to me. I carefully walked around to stand in front of her, leaned down and gently kissed her breast before pulling the dress back up over her.

"Thanks," she said breathlessly. Her eyes were hazy and calm, almost like she'd just woken up from the most satisfying nap she'd ever taken. "Where'd you learn to do that?" She asked.

"Unfortunately I've had a lot of practice." I shook my head and felt a little embarrassed.

"Not unfortunately." She pulled me close. "I've never gotten off like that before...well not with someone else."

"Well I'm glad I could be of service."

She wrapped her arms around me and I winced when she pressed a little too hard against my jeans. "Are you okay?" She asked, immediately stepping back.

"I'll be fine." I cleared my throat.

"Oh...oh!" She looked down at my jeans and shook her head. "I'm sorry...I didn't realize." She reached for the waistband of my pants and ran her finger along it. "Can I help you with that?" She cocked her eyebrow and smiled.

"No..."

"No? Why not?" She pulled back, looking hurt again. This is what I wanted to avoid. She thought I didn't want her.

"I just...Fuck!" I pulled at my hair and started pacing. "I'm scared okay?"

"You're scared to let me touch you?"

"Not like that. I just...I haven't had sex since I was the old me and I'm terrified that I'm going to turn into that horrible fuck of a person I was before you. I don't ever want to be him again Bella." I knew I probably sounded like a raving lunatic. It didn't make sense, but reverting back to my old ways was my worst fear now. I didn't care about myself or anyone else except her. And I knew the old me would hurt her.

"So you're never going to let me touch you is that it?" She crossed her arms in front of her.

"You're trusting me with your heart and mind Edward you'd think you would trust me with your body." She stepped towards me and bit down on her lip, allowing her eyes to drift everywhere but mine. "I just want to make you feel good." She sighed and turned around, walking off and leaving me alone in the greenhouse.

I stayed out there for a while after she left, thinking through some things. I felt like shit for making her feel that way, but she had to understand my reasons. I was completely reinventing myself and this whole good guy routine is new to me. I have to struggle with my demons every fucking day. The last thing I want is to give into them and expose all my cracks and weaknesses. I can't slip back into that hell I was living in. I know I won't survive it again. Now that I know what it's like to feel this way, it would suffocate me not to be around her.

I picked up the rose from the ground and turned off the lights before heading back upstairs. I went to her side first to apologize. I didn't want the night to end like this.

"Bella?" I knocked on her door and waited. No answer. Maybe she was genuinely pissed. I'd never met a woman who was mad that I wouldn't let her get me off. "Damn it Bella, open the door and talk to me. Please." I pounded again. I debated going in anyway, but that would just open a new can of worms. One thing I learned from my father was never walk in on a woman who wants to be alone. He'd slept on the couch enough for me to know that.

I leaned forward and pressed my forehead against the door. "Listen I'm sorry. I just need to be in control of myself and to be completely honest I'm never in control when I'm around you so I'm just going to have to deal with it. I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything and I appreciate the offer, but I just need to...go...slow." Those words felt foreign to my lips as I spoke them. I was usually the one begging a girl to let her guard down, but now I was the one not wanting to rush things. "Anyway, I'm sorry...again. I'll see you in the morning."

I took the rose with me, deciding to give it to her in the morning. I stumbled across the stairs and to my room. When I opened the door I set the rose on the table and shrugged out of my shirt. I hung it on my closet door and took off my pants. My dick had all but deflated after that little episode so I decided to go right to bed.

"I was wondering when you were coming to bed," Bella said, popping up from the bed.

"Jesus!" I gasped. "I thought you were in your room." Wonderful. I just apologized to an empty room.

"Why would I be in my room?"

"Because I thought you were mad at me."

She crawled to the edge of the bed and reached for me. "I'm not mad at you." She fell back on to the bed and pulled me with her. "I'm a little frustrated I guess, but I'm not mad. I get it." She kissed my chest. "But how many times do I have to tell you baby...That person you used to be?" She took my face in her hands and forced me to look at her. "You're not him."

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**A/N:** **Thank you for reading! Just a few announcements:**

**-Secret Life is nominated up against some pretty tough competition as the Fic of the Week at The Lemonade Stand. I'd appreciate it if you could take two seconds and go vote for it and your other favorites. I've included the link in my profile. It's pretty far behind right now but every vote makes a difference and I'd really love for more people to read that story.**

**-Along those lines, Secret Life is now finished. Thank you to everyone who has supported that story and shared all of your experiences with me. It's been an honor to hear them.**

**-SparklingWand has interviewed me for one of her Author Spotlights, but the date of my posting has changed so I'll let you know more about that as soon as I know.**

**-If there are any Mortal Instruments fans out there, I was asked to do a review of City of Ashes and City of Glass for FicTalk. I'll let you know when those post so you can go check them out. **


	14. Hate Me

**S.M. owns Twilight. I own a Beauty and the Beast blanket that is one of my favorite things in this world. kdillin betas Beastward for you guys : ) The song "Hate Me" by Blue October was MAJOR inspiration for this chapter in particular.**

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We quietly celebrated New Years with Jasper and had an amazing couple of days. It felt like whatever had always been weighing Edward down was somehow gone, but I wasn't stupid enough to believe this was a permanent fix. I noticed him slipping back into his depression and mood swings, mostly in the night during his sleep. It started out with just mumbling and progressed to full on screaming again. I was there to wake him up right away, but it killed me that they were coming back. It was something I couldn't protect him from no matter what I did. He had to work past his demons before they were going to leave him alone. I couldn't do it for him. He had to do it and I wasn't entirely sure he knew how.

I felt his arms tighten around me and my eyes shot open. I could feel his breath, warm and short against my neck as he started squirming in his sleep. I took a deep breath and sighed into the darkness of the room. His arms tightened again, almost too tight around my ribs.

"Edward," I said. I carefully tried to pull his hands from me, but he was gripping so tightly that I was afraid he was going to hurt me.

His breathing picked up, almost like he was running a marathon and I was kind of glad I couldn't see his face right now. I could imagine it was scrunched up, knitted in pain and terror. His face was probably dripping with sweat as he faced whatever images were playing in his head.

He relaxed for the slightest moment and I took the opportunity to turn in his vice grip to face him. "Edward," I said, putting my hands gently on his face. Despite the fact that he was sleeping right now, the dark circles under his eyes were pronounced. The last few nights had been particularly difficult.

I had to be careful about waking him in the middle of one of these nightmares. He could turn violent without even realizing it just because I scared him. Three nights ago he pushed me back so harshly that I fell off the bed and knocked into his dresser. When he finally woke up and saw what he'd done, he nearly lost it. He said he'd never be able to live with himself if he hurt me, intentional or not. I made a promise to myself that night to be vigilant and learn how to deal with his nightmares instead of always trying to immediately get him out of them. I didn't want him to hate himself over something he couldn't control.

"Bella," he mumbled. I could tell he wasn't awake yet, but his eyelids fluttered a little. I leaned into him and brushed my cheek against his.

"Edward come back to me. Everything's okay," I whispered into his ear. He shivered a little and pulled me closer to his body. "Come on baby." I ran my fingers through his hair, hoping the gentle action would wake him up peacefully.

"I didn't know," he murmured. "I didn't know he would…" He trailed off and woke with a start. His eyes were wide and panicked, but he didn't push me away. His shoulders heaved up and down as he tried to regain control over his breathing. He looked down at his hands engulfing my waist and instantly pulled them back as if I'd shocked him with some kind of painful electric current. "Did I hurt you?"

"No you didn't hurt me," I sighed. I grabbed his hands and put them back where they were. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"What were you dreaming about?" I always asked him this after he woke up, but he rarely responded. Edward didn't talk about things unless he wanted to and he seemed most hesitant to talk about his past. I knew bits and pieces but I didn't know everything. I knew James murdered his parents. I knew James did those horrible things to his face. I knew Edward had slept with James' girlfriend and probably pissed him off. But there was something else that I was missing.

"My last day at school…before…" He shook his head. "I pissed James off more than usual and he threatened me. I should have known."

"Edward you could not have known. No matter what you did to him or he thought you did to him, nobody could have predicted he would have lashed out the way he did. You can't blame yourself for not seeing it."

"You didn't know him Bella. I always knew he was…off, but I kept pushing his buttons anyway. Just for entertainment. I got off on watching people squirm and I pushed him too far."

"I wish you'd tell me what you did." It was more of a statement than a question because I didn't expect him to answer me.

"I stole his customers." Edward looked up at the ceiling like he was ashamed to look at me.

"What do you mean customers?"

He fell silent and closed his eyes.

"Edward." I sat up on my elbows and hovered above him.

"Drugs okay!" He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

"Oh God," I whispered. I didn't understand. I knew Edward was a bad kid, but I didn't think he was involved in anything like that.

"Being a doctor's son had its advantages," he said softly. "It wasn't anything hardcore Bella, don't look at me like I'm a drug addict."

"So what was it then?"

"Things like Adderall, painkillers. I knew enough of my father's staff to get what I needed…one way or another." He cleared his throat and refused to look at me. I didn't want to know what he meant by that.

"Did you take them too?"

"Sometimes. Mostly I just started selling them to people at school. Until then James was the only dealer at school. Everyone liked me better than him so naturally they started buying from me instead. I didn't do it for the money, I didn't need it. I just wanted…"

"To be better than him?"

He shrugged and I lay back in bed. "You really were a dumbass in high school weren't you?"

"Yeah," he answered honestly.

"Did you ever do anything more than just pills?" I asked, almost afraid to know the answer. I knew how it could be in those high-class academies. Behind the preppy façade there were more drugs, alcohol and sex than any public school.

"I did coke twice. I hated it both times and never did it again."

I sucked in a sharp breath and held it until I started feeling dizzy. I guess I was trying to process everything. Edward must have taken my silence as something else. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and started rocking back and forth, pulling at his hair and mumbling something under his breath.

"Edward?" I crawled across the bed and cautiously put my hand on his shoulder. I leaned closer so I could hear what he was saying.

_Please don't hate me._

Tears prickled behind my eyes and my teeth dug so sharply into my bottom lip that I could taste my own blood. I pulled his hands from his hair and crawled into his lap. He wrapped his arms around me and rocked us both together, still muttering to himself. Or to me. I couldn't help but feel like he was talking to me.

"Please don't hate me, please don't hate me…" He whispered. I forced his face up, but his eyes were somewhere behind me, completely distant.

"I could never hate you," I said. "Edward, I will never hate you."

"O-okay," he stammered. I could see the tears threatening from his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.

"Do you want some water?" I asked. He nodded. I kissed his cheek and stood up. "I'll be right back."

I got up and crossed the room, closing the door softly behind me. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. As I walked downstairs, I noticed the snow falling outside. It seemed a little heavier than it has been lately and I realized how weird it is not to have a weather forecast. I'll have no idea when the weather will start getting nice. Sure we'll have the date to give us an idea, but I could wake up one day and the snow could be gone. And I'd have to leave, at least for a little while to square things away back in town. It scared me.

I grabbed a glass and filled it as I watched the snow swirl around outside. In the distance I could see Jasper's house, dark and still in the cold.

I went back upstairs and quietly opened Edward's bedroom door, only to find him asleep on his bed. He seemed peaceful so I didn't want to bother him. I set the glass of water down on the nightstand beside him. I couldn't help but wonder if he still took the pills…or even had them. I could imagine that he himself had been prescribed something for pain after what happened to his face, but did he have more than he should? Would he even tell me where they were or would he be too embarrassed?

I didn't want to control every aspect of his life, but I felt like if he truly wanted to move on from the things that have happened to him then he needs to get rid of all the remnants of his old life. This was just one of them.

I slipped back out of his room and grabbed a sweatshirt from my room. I put on some boots and skipped downstairs as I pulled my hood up over my head. I shivered as I pushed the door open and stepped out into the cold. I hated waking Jasper up like this, but I needed to know and I trusted that he would tell me.

The snow was heavy and became more difficult to walk in with each step. I could feel it getting into my boots; with the ice cold hitting against my skin.

I finally reached Jasper's house and started knocking on his door. It took a few times before I saw a light flicker on inside. He opened the door and ran his fingers through his bed-head of hair. "Bella?" He leaned against the door. "Is everything alright?" He glanced outside and ushered me. "It's freezing out there, what the hell are you doing?"

"I need to ask you something and I need you to be honest with me."

"Okay."

"Does he still take the pills?"

"Which ones?"

"Any of them."

He sighed and started pacing around the room. "I haven't seen him high off of them in over two years but I don't know if he still has some. I don't think he's taking them at all if that's what you're asking."

"He said he mostly sold right?"

"He told you."

"He told me most of it."

"He used casually, but it was never something I was overly concerned about."

"And the cocaine, were you overly concerned about that?"

"Yeah I was," he said, suddenly defensive. "And I kicked his ass about it the day I found out about it. Told everyone he got in a bar fight, but I gave him that black eye."

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to…" I closed my eyes. "I didn't mean to upset you, I just wanted to make sure I knew…"

"He was never a drug addict Bella. It was just the way things were in high school."

"Why did you stay with him? I mean you're his best friend, but you seem so different. It doesn't make sense."

"I already told you he wasn't always like this." Jasper smiled and sat down on his bed. "He was actually fun to be around before his…transformation or whatever you want to call it. I couldn't just abandon him…especially after I found out about the cocaine."

"Why?"

"Because my mother was an addict and I couldn't save her. After she was gone, I couldn't leave him. I couldn't lose him like I lost her so I just…stay here."

"He's not your responsibility Jasper. You deserve more than this half-life."

"So does he."

"Okay if he had any more pills where would they be?"

"Probably in his medicine cabinet or maybe in the cabinet beside his bed. There's a secret compartment. We used to hide flasks from his father in there." A smile tinged his face as he remembered. "I'll come with you. He's going to be pissed."

"He's asleep."

"Ha," Jasper said. "We'll see how long that lasts."

Jasper threw on a sweatshirt and we trudged back to the house. I tried to be as quiet as possible as I went back into Edward's room. He was still asleep as we both slipped inside. Jasper went to the bathroom and turned on the light. He closed the door slightly to shield most of the light from coming into the room, but it was enough so I could at least see.

I crouched down beside Edward's bed and felt around for the compartment Jasper had mentioned. I felt the lines in the wood and pushed up. It released a small box into my hands and I carefully pulled it down and out of the cabinet, glancing over at Edward to make sure he was still asleep.

I winced as I heard the pill bottle roll back and forth. I looked inside the small box and saw two pill bottles with no labels. Jasper returned with three more from the bathroom and handed them to me.

"They were pretty dusty, I don't think they've been used in awhile," he whispered.

"These too."

"Are you going to wake him up?" He nodded to Edward.

"No we'll talk in the morning. He seems happy right now." I smiled down at Edward and hoped that he wouldn't be too mad about what we'd done. I didn't want to cross a line, but he had no reason to keep these around. It was just a temptation and it wasn't the thing he needed staring him in the face every day. I believed him that he wasn't using anymore, but these were a crutch, a security blanket. If things went really badly for whatever reason, I don't want him to have these to fall back on. He was never going back there again and I was going to make sure of it. I wasn't sure Edward would see it that way, but I was doing this for him. I lined the pills up on the table and crawled back into bed. I fell into a deep sleep and stayed that way until morning.

When I woke up, Edward wasn't beside me. He was sitting at the edge of the bed, leaning forward onto his elbows staring at the row of pill bottles.

"Where'd you get those?" He asked.

"Your bathroom. And the compartment under your nightstand."

"Jasper told you." He sounded like he was trying to hold it together. He cursed under his breath and buried his head in his hands.

"This isn't Jasper's fault."

"So it's my fault that I need them."

"I didn't say it was your fault. And you don't need them Edward. We both know you haven't taken them in a long time. I get it."

"You don't," he said, his teeth clenched. "You don't get it!" He screamed. He launched himself off the bed and flung the pills off the table. "I need to have them. They remind me…"

"Why the hell would you want something to remind you of that?" I stood up and crossed my arms. "You're not going to forget what happened to you because they're gone."

"What if I need them?" He asked. I knew he was grasping for something, anything to keep them. He knew just as well as me that he didn't need them.

"You don't."

"You don't…know that!" He came at me and for the slightest moment I was scared. I backed up until I hit the wall and had nowhere to go. He slammed his hands on either side of me and looked me up and down. His nostrils flared as he spoke. "I would never hurt you," he whispered, a contradiction to his fierce stare.

"I…I know," I stuttered. Despite how angry he was with me, I could still feel the intense attraction between us. Like some kind of freak static connection regardless of how we felt towards each other at that very moment. It was suffocating in the best kind of way.

I ran my fingers along his forearms and pushed my hips slightly against his, just wanting him closer. He groaned and shook his head, almost like he was telling himself 'no.'

"Can you just….get out. I need some time." He looked down at the floor.

I glanced down at the pills on the floor and wondered if I should take them with me.

"I'm not going to take them," he let out a sigh of annoyance and stepped back from me. I lingered for one more moment, deciding whether or not to believe him even though I knew deep down I already did.

I nodded and left the room, closing the door behind me. I heard Jasper downstairs and I wondered if he heard Edward's tantrum. I figured if he did, he would have been upstairs in an instant to bitch him out for it.

"Good morning," he said as I walked into the kitchen.

"Humph," I groaned. I pulled myself up onto the bar stool and laid my head down.

"So how'd it go?"

"He threw the bottles across the room."

"That's it?" He turned and smiled. "So it went well."

I laughed a little, but I still felt horrible. "He told me to get out," I said.

"Don't take it too personally. He usually wants to be alone when he has one of his fits like that. He was probably just embarrassed that he still had them and that you found out. It's just something he has to deal with. Step…whatever number we're on to getting his life back."

"Yeah I guess so. I just hate that I make him angry sometimes."

"Angry is at least an emotion Bella. All those times before when he threw fits, it was almost like he was trying to feel something. Desperate to feel angry even. He never got that until you got here."

"Fantastic."

"Look…" He turned around and opened the highest cabinet. He pushed aside some boxes of oatmeal and pulled out a fresh, never opened box of Lucky Charms. It was like pirate treasure around here these days.

"How has he not found that?"

"I put it behind the oatmeal," he laughed. "There's no sugar in that so I figured it would repel him like those weird bug lights." He set the box down. "Besides I was saving it for his benefit. I knew he would need it at some point and he's too much of an eager asshole to save any of his boxes himself."

I smiled and took the box into my arms.

"Give him some time, maybe go take a shower or something…he'll be alright." Jasper winked and started back out to his house.

I did as Jasper said and took some time to myself. When I'd done about everything that I could do in this house to give Edward some time, I went back to his room.

I took a deep breath and pushed the door open, expecting to see him sitting on the bed. I panicked a little when the room seemed empty. The light was on in the bathroom so I cautiously tiptoed across the floor and peeked inside.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw him. He was sitting beside the toilet, the bottles lined up before him on the floor. He picked up one, opened it and dumped the pills in the toilet before flushing it. His eyes were red around the rims and I could tell that he'd been crying. He sniffled and looked up at me, his eyes full of sadness and despair. I knew what he was saying, asking me without one single word.

I sat down beside him and took his hand in mine before speaking to him. "I don't hate you."

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**A/N: Thank you so so much for reading and reviewing and all the reccs you guys give out. It means a lot to me. I told ya that the last chapter was probably going to be the most fluff and I tell no lies haha : )**

**Just a few quick announcements:**

**-ImHereToReview and I have announced the winners of the Quickie Contest. You can find them and their banners on my blog (link on my profile)**

**-My review of City of Ashes, the second book in the Mortal Instruments Series, is up on Fic Talk so if you're a fan of the series you should definitely check it out : ) www(dot)fic-talk(dot)com**

**-Also please go check out The Lemonade Stand because I've grown to love these ladies and I want their site to do well (not that they really need my help, they're doing amazing on their own). They give out new fic recs every week voted on by YOU! See, you are special ;) www(dot)tehlemonadestand(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**-I'm also working on a new project behind the scenes while I write LLW. On a scale of GSM to SL, its probably a lot more like GSM. It's called the Roommate and I've been having a lot of fun with it so far. Here's a little preview of what's to come with that:**

_** A sound echoed from down the hallway, coming from the bedroom formerly known as Angela's. I peeked my head around the corner and saw a shadow move across the doorway.**_  
_** "He's here already?" I whispered.**_  
_** "Yeah. He didn't have much…Good thing the living and dining room furniture was mostly yours or you'd have an empty apartment." She leaned in close and smirked. "I'm not going to lie. He's really hot."**_  
_** "Really?" I squeaked.**_  
_** "I mean I know you're kinda-sorta dating Paul, but there will be a gorgeous guy sleeping not twenty feet from you. I say you should take advantage of it. I don't think he has a girlfriend."**_  
_** I peeked my head into the hallway again. Now I was fucking curious as to who this knight in shining armor was. Angela was right, I had been on a few dates with this guy I met at the bookstore. He was nice…but that was about it. Nice. The only guy I'd ever been serious with was my boyfriend from high school and that was a fucking train wreck. He was the only person I ever really loved and it didn't end well. If I never saw him again it would be too soon. Way too soon.**_  
_** "Here let me introduce you." Angela smiled and skipped down the hallway, pulling me behind her. I popped my sucker into my mouth and took a deep breath as we stepped into the room. "Bella this is your new roommate." He was turned away from me, shrugging out of his leather jacket. He set it on the bed and ran his fingers through his messy bronze hair and turned towards me. As soon as I saw his face, I inhaled a sharp breath and started choking on my sucker.**_  
_** I doubled over and started hacking until it popped out onto the floor and rolled towards his feet. "Shit!" I whispered, not wanting to look him in the eye. This is not happening Bella. You're hallucinating. The only reason you see his face right now is because you were just thinking about him.**_  
_** "I'd know that gag reflex anywhere," he teased.**_  
_** My fists clenched at my sides as I straightened back up. "Fuck," I mumbled. I wasn't hallucinating. He was here. Right in front of me. The only boy I'd ever loved and the one I never wanted to see again.**_  
_** "This is…" Angela started.**_  
_** "Edward fucking Cullen what are you doing in my apartment?" I yelled.**_


	15. All of You

**S.M. owns Twilight. kdillin is my beta. FYI about half of this chapter is dream/flashback so have fun with the young Beast.**

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**Edward**

"How much for a few?" Ben stepped up beside my locker.

"How much do you have?" I smirked and threw my books inside.

"I've got a hundred cash." He pulled out a few bills and stuck them under one of my books.

I slipped a small bag from my coat pocket and slapped it into his hand. "Pleasure doing business with you my friend."

I slammed my locker and noticed James watching me from down the hallway. If looks could kill I'd be fucking six feet under. I cocked my eyebrow at him and laughed as Victoria stepped beside me.

"Meet me at your car…" She flipped her hair and started to strut towards James, obviously flashing the fact that we were about to fool around in the parking lot. I took my keys from my pocket and twirled them around in my fingers as I followed after her. I glanced his way as I passed and continued outside.

She was waiting for me, leaning against the side of my car. I unlocked it from a few feet away and she jumped inside.

As soon as I sat down in the front seat, she was on top of me, pawing and clawing at my pants.

"Slow down sweetheart, we've got some time…" I leaned the seat back and allowed her to unzip my jeans. She yanked them roughly down just enough to expose my dick. She reached for my hand and slipped it up her skirt. "No panties huh?"

"I didn't see the point." She straddled my waist and forced herself down on me. I threw my head back against the seat and groaned as she rode me. I reached up and cup her breasts as they bounced up and down, contained inside her sweater. Her hands reached up and grasped the seat beside my head, steadying herself as she picked up her pace.

I noticed she kept looking out across the parking lot. She wasn't looking to make sure we didn't get caught by the dumb ass principal. She was looking for him. James. Odds are he was watching us from somewhere inside because he knew we were here. They'd got back together a couple of times since the first time we fucked in the classroom, but she kept coming back every time they fought. We used each other as a pawn and I wasn't ashamed of it. I got sex and some pull on James from it. I wasn't complaining. And my dick sure wasn't either.

I grasped onto her hips and held her to me as I found my release, grunting under my breath. She reached between us and finished herself off before crawling off of me and checking her makeup in the mirror.

"Thanks for your services." She smacked her lips and got out of the car. I put myself back in my pants and ran my fingers through my hair.

I strolled back into the school feeling like a fucking million bucks. I started towards the cafeteria to get something to eat before class started again.

"Cullen!" James yelled.

I spun around just as he collided with my chest, pushing me back into the lockers.

"Aw, poor little boy having a tantrum? Did I steal your toys?" I narrowed my eyes at him and smiled before starting towards the cafeteria again.

He yanked at my shirt again and pulled me back. This time when he slammed me against the lockers, his arm was at my throat almost cutting off my air supply.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I choked out.

"You've pushed me the last fucking time!" He pressed harder and I started gasping for air. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pocketknife. My eyes widened in fear as he flipped it open and started twirling it in front of my face. "You know you wouldn't be anything without your family…or that pretty boy face of yours. Nothing." He clenched his teeth and stared at me with more hatred than I'd ever seen. He raised the knife to my skin. "It'd be so easy to…" A dark smirk crossed his face as he laughed and pushed away from me. I doubled over, choking and trying to catch my breath. "Soon…" He nodded and started walking away.

"You son of a bitch!" I launched myself forward and caught him at his waist, forcing us both to the ground. I felt an elbow to my face and a punched to my ribs before someone pulled us apart.

"What the hell is going on here?" The principal ran out from his office and stared between James and I. I struggled against the teacher who was holding me back. James spit in my direction as he was carted off in another direction.

An hour later I was sitting in the office with an ice pack on my face and angry parents beside me. My mom looked like she was about to cry and my dad had the "we'll talk about it later" look on his face.

"Dad it wasn't my fault," I said.

"I don't want to hear it Edward," he said.

"Dr. Cullen, Mrs. Cullen…please come in." The principal ushered us all into his office. He waited until we were all seated until he spoke again. "I don't have to tell you that this is a serious matter. And this is not the first time we've had to deal with Edward's behavior."

I rolled my eyes and started smiling at the secretary out in the regular office. She had to be in her thirties but she was fucking gorgeous.

"I know you contribute a lot to this school and your support is important to us, but I cannot let this latest incident slide. Especially considering the contraband we found in his locker."

That brought my attention back to the conversation.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Do you want to explain these?" He held up a ziplock bag of about five pills.

"You had no fucking right to go through my locker. Isn't that violation of privacy or something? This is bullshit!"

"We received an anonymous tip from a student," he said softly. I could only guess who it was. Stupid bastard.

My father sighed and buried his head in his hands. "I'll take care of this." He took the pills from the principal's hands.

"We're suspending Edward for a week; the other boy no longer attends this school. We take weapons very seriously." The principal tapped his pen on his desk. "Mr. Cullen," he addressed me. "I sincerely hope you'll take this time to re-evaluate your choices. We will not be so lenient next time."

I sighed and waited for him to finish his little speech. "Are we done now?" I asked.

"Yes, we're done." The principal nodded at my parents as they stood and shook my father's hand.

The drive home was not pleasant. I swear that I could hear the ticking of the miles on the odometer as they passed. When we got home, my mother went straight to their room and closed the door. My father glanced my way and then started towards the library. I assumed he meant for me to follow him so I did.

"Can we just get this over with?" I said as I closed the door. I sat down at the piano and started poking at the keys.

"Is this ever going to stop with you Edward? Are you never going to learn?"

"Learn what?"

"Who slipped you the pills?" He asked.

"Why does it matter?"

"Because they'll no longer be employed at my office. I could lose my career over something like this and you're taking it like you stole some penny candy from the store."

"I don't remember who it was," I lied.

"Bullshit." He studied me for a few moments. "I'm assuming it was one of the nurses since they seem to take a liking to you for reasons I don't care to know about. Gianna? Heidi?"

My fingers stopped.

"Heidi then?"

"I didn't say…" I started.

"You didn't have to." He got up from his chair and started towards the door. "We'll talk more later."

"Can't wait," I said sarcastically. I blinked and was suddenly in my parent's room later that night.

James was leaning over me, a sadistic smile across his face. "You know I was planning on using my knife, but I think I'll use this instead pretty boy." He reached down and picked up the razor dangling from his necklace.

I felt nauseous. I closed my eyes, hoping that I would wake up. I knew I was dreaming again, but Bella wasn't here. I couldn't find her anywhere. I needed her to be here.

"Why?" I stuttered.

He laughed and ignored my question. I took a deep breath as he raised the razor to my skin and sliced. I screamed out in pain as he continued running it over and over my face. I thought about running for the slightest moment. His friend, whoever he was, must have known what I was thinking because he was on me in a second, holding me down. Blood dripped into my eyes and into my mouth.

The next thing I knew they were gone, leaving me broken and bleeding on the floor. They'd managed to throw in some good kicks to my ribs. James knew it would be sore from earlier so I imagined it was on purpose.

"I didn't know…" I mumbled to myself, rocking myself as I curled up into the fetal position on the floor. "I didn't know…" I didn't know he was that messed up. Never thought he would push it that far. I never thought anyone could do something like this to anyone, let alone me. I felt vulnerable for the first time. I felt weak.

My whole body jerked as I woke myself. I was met by the only face I wanted to see right now. Hers. I panicked when I looked down and saw my hands gripping her body. I pulled them away, embarrassed that I'd been so forceful with her in the past, even when I hadn't intended to be.

"Did I hurt you?"

She guaranteed me that I hadn't hurt her, but I was hurting her. Maybe not physically, but I could see it in her eyes. It hurt her that I couldn't tell her everything. I bit down on the inside of my cheek and told her about my dream.

She was so supportive. So caring and gentle with her words and her touch. It was different than anything I'd ever experienced before and I made a conscious decision to tell her things. She needed to know and I needed her to know. I hated admitting I was fucking scared to do it though. Even though she's shown me time and time again that she's not going anywhere, I'm terrified that I'll tell her something that's just too much. I'm scared of blinking and finding her gone. It was going to happen sometime just because she couldn't stay here forever; I knew that. I just didn't want to think about it.

Once I started telling her about the drugs, it all just came out. I felt my hands clenching tighter and tighter with every word. I watched a spider building a web above my bed as I finished; trying to focus on anything except the terrible things I had told her.

"Please don't hate me," I whispered. I repeated it over and over, hoping that it would somehow make it true. "Please don't hate me."

"I could never hate you," she murmured. "Edward, I will never hate you."

"O-okay," I stuttered. My jaw was clamped so tight that I could barely speak. She offered to get me some water. As soon as she left, I felt my body start to relax which was odd because she was usually the one calming me down. It wasn't that she made me tense, but the thought of her knowing everything did. I was glad that I told her everything, but it still made my heart beat fast. Exposing your soul when you thought it was dirty was terrifying.

I fought to stay awake. Even though she could only have been gone a few minutes, I slipped back asleep. When I woke up, she was lying next to me. I smiled and wrapped my arms gently around her waist for a few moments. I kissed her cheek and turned towards my nightstand to take a sip of water.

Something caught my eye on the table across the room. A row of pill bottles, my pill bottles, was lined up perfectly at the edge.

"What the fuck?" I hadn't even seen a couple of them in months. The only person who knew about the secret compartment in my nightstand was Jasper. I glanced back at Bella as a stabbing pain shot through my chest. She did this. They did this to me.

I leaned forward and tried to tell myself to calm down. It was stupid. They were just pill bottles. I hadn't taken them at all in so long and Bella knew that. Didn't she? She said she believed me.

I didn't realize how long I'd sat there until Bella woke the next morning. I felt her shift beside me and whether she knew it or not, she gasped when she saw me. Her betrayal was sitting in plain view in one single row in front of us.

"Where'd you get those?" I asked. I told myself to let her explain herself, but I couldn't find any explanation in my head for why she went snooping behind my back. I blew up at her, even though I regretted it instantly. I thought she understood, but maybe nobody really could. I didn't use them, but they made me remember who I once was. Was that really such a bad thing?

"What if I need them?" I asked. Some of those were actually my prescription for after the murders. To say I had been physically and mentally in pain was an understatement.

"You don't."

"You don't…know that!" I charged forward, more forcefully than I'd meant to. I just wanted her to understand. I was livid. A part me of almost thought that if she had just asked me, I would have told her where they were.

Her eyes widened in fear as I neared her. My heart softened a little, seeing her like that. I could never hurt her. Ever. She touched my arms, running her fingers across them like a soothing rain to the fire burning inside.

I hated the way she pushed. I hated the way she never gave up. I hated the way she was always right. But behind all that was an emotion that I didn't quite know how to deal with or how to explain.

"Can you just…get out? I need some time," I said. I needed a few minutes to myself to sort out my thoughts. I saw the questions in her eyes and answered her before she asked.

"I'm not going to take them."

She quietly left and I started pacing around the room, my eyes glancing at the bottles I'd throw on the floor every now and then. I knew deep down that I was using them as a crutch. Like I was almost waiting for myself to slip. And I mean really slip. Deeper than I was now, deeper than I was before. Deep enough where I really did need them. It was like I was expecting it to happen eventually, but I'd been too numb lately to make the effort to even fall.

"Fuck," I whispered. I picked up all the bottles off the floor and shuffled to the bathroom. I couldn't just throw them away because I knew I'd dig through the garbage and find them again. It had to be permanent.

I sat down beside the toilet and pulled my knees up to my chest as I emptied the bottles one by one and flushed them down. I felt pathetic. I didn't know how I'd become this person, or even the person I was before. My parents had raised me to be a good kid and somewhere along the way everything got fucked up. I fucked up.

Bella stepped silently into the bathroom and sat down beside me. Her eyes were sad, like she was looking at a wounded puppy. She took my hand and tried to smile. "I don't hate you," she whispered.

I sighed as she rested her head on my shoulder. I flushed the last of the pills and turned to kiss her forehead. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"I should have talked to you first. I'm sorry; I just didn't know how you would react."

I nodded and eventually stood up, pulling her with me. "I'm going to go play for awhile."

"Do you want some company?"

I squeezed her hand tighter and toted her towards the door. We slipped down the hallway to the library and went inside. I sat down at the piano and let go of her hand as she slid in beside me.

My fingers danced over the keys, playing a new melody that came from somewhere deep inside my chest. It reminded me of Bella. Soft, beautiful…mysterious. Captivating. I was captivated by her and the way she was, the very essence of her. Despite the fact that I hated what she did, I wanted her more than anything. More than I wanted those pills. She was the center of everything now.

She pressed her lips against my shoulder and moved up to my neck. I closed my eyes as they ghosted over my skin, delicately caressing every inch. Her fingers reached up around my neck and grabbed onto my hair. She tugged lightly at the ends, pulling my face slightly towards her. She finally pulled her lips away from my neck and settled her chin on my shoulder, mere inches from my face. My fingers slowly stopped moving across the keys as I became more and more enthralled with her.

"Do you have any idea what you do to me?" I asked, nuzzling my nose against hers.

"I know what I'd like to be doing to you…" She breathed hard through her nose and swung her leg over my waist while she pulled herself between me and the piano.

"Bella…"

"I'm proud of you, do you know that?" She brushed my hair out of my face.

"I'm not sure what there is to be proud of."

"I do." She leaned forward and kissed me. My hands went to her waist and traveled down until she was practically sitting on them. She moaned into my mouth as her tongue swept out and brushed against mine. I gripped her tighter as she shifted her hips against mine. Her fingers trailed down my chest and settled on the waistband of my sweatpants.

"I don't think…" I started.

"You don't want me?" She slid her hand inside. "I just want to touch you."

I groaned as she brushed against my dick. Yes I wanted her to. "Yes," I whispered.

She gently pushed down my sweatpants enough to fully expose me. She wrapped her tiny hands around me and started caressing me up and down. She bit down on her lip as she looked down at what she was doing. Her eyes widened as she picked up the pace, every once in awhile brushing her finger over the tip.

I would have never called getting a handjob an out of body experience, but _fuck_ if this wasn't something more. My fingers curled, straining in what should be the most uncomfortable positions as I slammed them down on the piano behind her. The off-key notes echoed through the room as my breathing picked up.

I allowed my head to fall foreward and rested it on her chest. She kissed the top of my head and whimpered as I started twitching in her hands.

"Shit," I breathed, crashing into my release. She pulled my face up and captured my lips in hers as I rode it out. She kept her hand on my dick, gently stroking it with one finger.

"Was that okay?" She asked.

I looked up at her and smiled slightly. Instead of answering her, I pressed my lips lightly to hers. It was a small step, but I didn't turn into the old me that I'd been so terrified of. It was something.

"I'm sorry again…for earlier. I know things have been good, but I can't promise that the monster won't slip out every now and then. He's still a part of me."

"Then he's a part of me," she whispered. She kissed me again. "Because you're a part of me too…All of you."

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**A/N:Hope you enjoyed hearing from young Edward, despite him being such an asshole he's kinda fun to write.  
**

**LLW was reviewed on the Fictionators by the wonderful Kassiah and DaniWithGreenEyes. I was so surprised and honored so thank you guys so much. There was a major influx in alerts after that posted so welcome to all my new readers from that, and thanks again to the Fictionators and the reviewers for the support : )**

**I don't do a lot of recommendations because I honestly don't have as much time as I'd like to actually read, but I do want to tell you guys about a new story. My dear friend secamimom who has been a big supporter of me since the very beginning just started posting her new story "Your Presence Still Lingers" and I'd really recommend that you check it out. I helped her make the blog for the story so I've got a little inside knowledge about the story and I can just tell it's going to be incredibly powerful and worth the read. Like I said, it just has the one chapter so far, but at least put it on alert and check it out when you can bc secamimom is awesome and I love her to pieces.**

**Things are going great with my next story. I have 4 chapters prewritten. I haven't decided when I'm posting that but I'll keep you updated : ) **

**Thanks!  
**


	16. Time

**S.M. owns Twilight. kdillin betas Beastward : )**

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**Bella**

Time began to move faster and slower all at the same time. I was beginning to forget how long I'd been here. I was starting to wonder why I wasn't feeling trapped up here. Being cooped up like this wasn't normal, yet this was how Jasper and Edward lived every winter. And now it was my reality…for now at least.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward brushed my hair away from my face as I stared out the window. The sun was hanging low in the sky outside, shining brighter than it had in awhile. Winter was almost at its end. I could tell by the slight drops of melted snow slinking down the glass of the window.

Edward sighed when I didn't answer and kissed my cheek. "It's just teasing you," he whispered. "We'll get at least two more blizzards before it really starts to melt."

"I'm scared of not being here," I said.

"Why?"

"Because it feels like…home here. I know who I am here Edward."

"And who are you?" He pulled my shoulder back so I was flat against the bed and hovered above me. He leaned down and started sucking lightly on my neck.

"I'm yours."

"You are. But you're more than that Bella." He pulled back and placed his elbows on either side of me as he rested against my body.

"Am I?"

"You see through me when everyone else sees a monster." He shook his head. "You're stronger than you think, smarter. And you're more beautiful…"

"Laying on the compliments huh?" I cocked my eyebrow.

"I don't give them often so they must be true." He reached over to the nightstand and took a sip of his drink.

"I wish you wouldn't drink so much Edward, it's unnecessary," I mumbled.

He smirked and took another sip.

"You can't make me someone else. Just because I'm…different doesn't mean I'm not me."

I reached up to kiss him. "You're stronger than you think," I said, smirking. "Smarter. And you're more beautiful…" I kissed the side of his mouth and along his scars, memorizing them for the hundredth time with my lips.

I laid back down and closed my eyes. We'd spent the whole day in bed with each other, just sleeping and holding onto each other. I really needed to get up and shower, but I didn't want to leave his bed. It was just a fucking bed, but I didn't want to be anywhere else but here with him.

"You never told me…" He whispered.

"Never told you what?" I asked.

"Why you were going to Europe?"

I sighed and laced my fingers through his. "When you go to college, they make you believe that your life is just going to…work out. You're going to decide exactly what you want to do with your life and as soon as you graduate you'll find a fantastic job because you're a college graduate." I smiled sadly. "Well, it didn't work that way for me. I got the college experience, but didn't get any closer to what I wanted to do with my life."

"What did you want to be when you were younger?" He asked.

"When I was five, I wanted to be a ballerina," I laughed. He wrapped his fingers around my waist and started rubbing his finger in small circles around my hipbone. "When I was ten, I wanted to be a female astronaut. Twelve was a lawyer. And by the time people were seriously asking me what I wanted to do with my life, I started drawing a blank. Suddenly a ballerina, or an astronaut, or a lawyer just weren't it." I shook my head. "And so I went to college and thought maybe I'd find it there and I didn't. So I moved back with my dad."

"But doesn't not knowing mean you can do anything?"

"I just want to find my place in this world Edward," I sniffled and felt a tear slip down my cheek. "People who know what they want don't realize how lucky they are." I sighed and cursed myself for being so emotional. "I don't even know why I'm crying, it's stupid."

"It's not stupid Bella." He pressed his lips against mine and hummed against my skin. "Why Europe?" He murmured.

"I don't know." I shrugged.

"Was it because of the history?" He nuzzled my neck. "Or the spectacular buildings?" He kissed my collarbone. "Or were you looking for some guy to sweep you off your feet and whisper beautiful words in your ear just to get one night with you?"

I shivered at his touch and laughed nervously. He brushed his nose up my skin until it rested right below my ear.

"Je n'ai jamais rencontré une femme aussi belle," he whispered. I cocked my eyebrow as he grazed his tongue on the soft spot of skin. "Je ne veux plus être sans toi."

I whimpered and arched my body closer to his. I guess I couldn't really testify that any man speaking a foreign language wouldn't be sexy as hell, but when Edward did it? It set something on fire deep inside me that was yearning to be touched. Something dark and mysterious. Something raw.

"Et je ne veux rien d'autre que d'être avec toi...à l'intérieur de toi," he murmured as he reached down to palm my panties. He slipped a finger inside and ran it along my flesh as he laughed under his breath. "De te goûter... Tu dois être délicieuse."

"Edward…" I moaned.

"Je veux t'avoir complètement et pour toujours." His words washed over my skin as he drifted south, brushing his lips over my chest and stomach before he reached the waistband of my underwear. "Puis-je échantillon?"

"I have no idea what you just said, but my answer is yes," I whispered.

He pushed his nose roughly against my underwear, rubbing it up and down against me. His tongue reached out and pressed flat against me and at that moment I wanted nothing more than to feel him on my skin. My back arched violently off the bed as he gripped the tiny fabric at my hips and pulled down.

He shimmied them down to my knees and pushed my legs farther apart before diving between them like I was his last meal. My fingers found their way to his hair and gripped it tightly as he devoured me, sucking and nibbling at all the right places.

"So good," he murmured. He glanced up at me and flicked his tongue out against me as a smirk spread across his face.

"Edward…" I whimpered. My eyes clenched tight as he slid his fingers inside me. I blindly reached down for his dick, even though I knew I couldn't reach it. I wanted it. I wanted him. "I need you."

"I'm right here baby," he whispered.

I screamed out as I crashed into my release. He didn't pull away, only softly massaged me before carefully removing his fingers from inside me.

He crawled up my body, placing soft kisses along the way. When he finally reached my lips, he smiled and brushed my hair away from my face. "Beautiful," he said.

"Where'd you learn how to do that?" I asked.

"Seriously?" He cocked his eyebrow.

"I mean speak French Edward."

"My parents vacationed in the French Riviera every year. I started learning French when I was like…five."

"I'd like to go there…"

"Maybe I'll take you someday," he said, smiling.

I turned on my side and curled my hands up in front of my chest. He actually looked happy, almost carefree. I've never known him to look so weightless. I didn't ever want him to suffer those burdens he carried ever again. Hell, with this whole "where is my life going" conversation, I'm starting to realize I've been carrying a lot of burdens. Maybe I got lost to find my place in this world. Maybe my place is here. With him.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked.

"You."

He smiled and inched closer to me. "I think…there's something that I have to do."

"What is it?"

"I need to go talk to my parents."

I froze. Not because I didn't want to hear it, but I was just surprised. He hadn't been talking about his parents much lately, at least not in the negative, dark light he had before. All this time I was hoping and praying that some day he'd be able to forgive himself and let them forgive him even though I knew they already had. I believed in him past all the bullshit and I wanted him to see it. Maybe that makes me overbearing and controlling, but is it too much to ask the person you love to be happy?

I gasped as the thought ran through my head. Love. Did I love him? I may have been trapped here, but I just as easily could have barricaded myself in my room and waited out the winter. I didn't have to deal with his asshole behavior. Or his mood swings. I didn't have to stick with it when he told me to fuck off. Doesn't that mean something?

Before I could say anything, he kissed my forehead and rolled out of bed. "I'll be back," he said, pulling on a sweatshirt.

"Edward…" I started, but he was already out the door. I sat up and reached for my underwear. After I decided I looked presentable, I shuffled downstairs to get something to eat. Jasper was in the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water.

"Morning," I said.

"Morning? It's like…four in the afternoon." He laughed and took a sip of his water. "Where's Edward?"

"He was…going to talk to his parents."

"Oh?"

"Yeah." I pulled some disgusting canned food and turned on the stove. "Jasper, can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course." He leaned against the counter.

"I think I might…I mean I'm pretty sure that I….four-letter Edward." I held my breath.

"Excuse me?"

"You know…four-letter him."

"Am I supposed to know what that means?"

"I think I love him Jasper!" I screamed a little irritated that I actually had to say it out loud. That word was scary to me, especially with Edward. It wasn't that I didn't feel it, but it opened up so many questions.

"Oh that four letter word," he sighed. "And what's wrong with that?"

"There's nothing wrong with it, but how is this supposed to work? He won't leave this house and I can't stay here forever."

"Figure it out." He shrugged.

"Really? That's all you have to say? Figure it out?"

"If I four letter worded someone like you four letter word Edward, I would work it out."

"But what if he doesn't feel the same way?" I started stirring my food and I realized how self-conscious I was about this whole thing. "I mean I know he cares about me, I'm not that naive. But I don't want to force him into anything that he doesn't want. I don't want to…I mean what if he can't?"

"Bella don't be ridiculous." He started towards the backdoor laughing.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"He knows how amazing you are Bella, don't ever doubt that. If you haven't caught on already, this whole relationship thing is new for Edward. Give him the benefit of the doubt."

"Okay."

He disappeared out into the greenhouse and started doing some work in there. I sat down to eat my dinner when I saw him. Edward stepped out from the hallway with a bouquet of roses, tied delicately with a beautiful bow. My blood ran cold. Did he hear everything?

"Edward?" I stuttered.

"I wanted to bring my mom some flowers," he murmured. "I just came back inside for some ribbon." He cleared his throat and started towards the door. He slammed it closed and stomped across the yard towards the woods before disappearing into them completely.

"Fuck," I whispered. I messed up. I thought about running after him, but knowing Edward he needed a minute. I didn't want to interrupt his time with his parents.

I ate the rest of my dinner and headed back upstairs to take a shower. When I was finished, I wrapped myself up in a towel and headed out into Edward's room. He was sitting in the chair in the corner, cloaked in the darkness. I saw a glass sitting beside him with what looked like liquor resting inside of it. His eyes were trained on the edge of the glass as his finger traced around it. For a moment, I didn't know if he realized I was there, but then he spoke.

"Am I incapable of love?" He whispered. His finger stopped and his eyes flickered my way. "Am I?" He asked again. "Am I Bella!" He yelled, grabbing the glass and fixing to throw it across the room. He took a deep breath and grasped onto it so tightly that I thought it was going to shatter in his hand. He set it back down on the table and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I'm sorry Edward," I said, my voice breaking. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Do you think it's impossible for someone like me to love?" He finally locked eyes with me and I saw they were glazed over. I couldn't tell if it was from the alcohol or if he was on the verge of tears.

"No," I sobbed.

"Because there's this pain so deep in my chest…" He grasped at his shirt. "Whenever I think of being anywhere, but with you. And I don't know what that is, but it's the only kind of love I've ever genuinely felt for someone. It's something I've never known before Bella and it has to be love right? If I can feel you right here?" He pounded hard on his chest. "It's love."

The tears slipped freely down my cheeks as I stumbled towards him. I pulled myself onto his chest and cried. I cried for him and I cried for us. I cried because his words broke my heart and healed it at the same time. I cried because I knew at that very moment that my life would never be the same because it would forever be woven with his.

I didn't notice his tears until they landed with force upon my bare shoulder as he clung to me. The towel slipped from my body and instead of letting it fall, he pulled it back up and held it close to me, blanketing me in its soft fabric and his loving arms. I rested my head on his shoulder as we rocked back and forth in the chair, processing the weight of the moment and the depth of our hearts. Sometimes they seemed so deep that I felt like I was going to drown in it. I was going to drown in him. If that was true I would welcome death like a pleasant sleep because I never wanted to know anything other than this.

As we held each other, my eyes drifted to the window again. I noticed the storm clouds off in the distance and felt relief that Edward was right. We still had time. Nothing had to change. But the melting, dripping snow still lingered on the window and I couldn't help but focus on it. It was like the ticking of a clock, counting down the time we had left together. It wasn't the end of the world, me leaving here. It didn't mean we had to end, but our perfectly twisted world we'd created for ourselves here would be over. And the thought of its demise terrified me.

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_French Translation**__ I__'ve __never __met__ a woman__ so__ beautiful__. __I__ do not__ want to __be__ without__ you__. __And __I__ want__ nothing __more than __to __be __with__ you__...__inside__ you__. __To__ taste you__...__You have__ to be__ delicious__. __I__ want to __have you __completely __and forever__. May I sample? (Thanks stickybuns and RainGirl for your help)_

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**A/N: I cannot apologize enough for the ****unusually long delay in this chapter. To say RL has been hectic would be a huge understatement. I got hit with a nasty sinus infection that made me incredibly sick the week before finals. Then I had finals. Then graduation. And the aftermath of graduation and getting my life somewhat back to normal. I've been overly exhausted and have had literally no time to write, so again I apologize. It was freak timing for everything like that to happen and I never want to have that long between updates again, so thank you for being patient.**

**So anyway, did you really think I would let an entire chapter go on being semi-fluffy? Of course not. Honestly I wasn't sure how this chapter was going, even as I was writing it, but as an author I feel like it really clicked for me by the end which I hope turned out a meaningful chapter because that's what I wanted it to be. I know we've all known it, but this explicit expression of their feelings and the consequences of those feelings are incredibly important. It also showed Edward's growth with his emotions (he didn't throw the glass *jumps up and down*) **

**This story is not going to be incredibly long. I would say around 22 chapters at the most or so. With stories like this, where it has very dark subject matter, I prefer not to overdo it and make it too long because I know its overload and it can be too much so I hope I have paced it right and done well with how I want to execute it. We're getting closer and closer to the epilogue and I know you guys are anxious for that.**

**LLW news aside, I have started a new story. It's called The Roommate and it's quite a departure from LLW, but I hope you'll check it out. I'd been doing quite a bit of prewriting for it, since I didn't really want it to interfere with the LLW updates so I waited until I had a good bit of prewritten chapters before I started posting. It should be 4 chapters in by the time you're reading this and posts one chapter a week.**

**Thanks again for your patience, it's greatly appreciated! : )**


	17. What I Deserve

**Twilight belongs to S.M. kdillin betas Beastward : )**

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**Edward**

I smiled as I ran down the stairs, anxious to get out to the meadow. I loved her. I loved Bella. I started to realize that I had no fucking idea what that meant, but for once I wasn't scared of it. Those three little words... They seemed so insignificant, but they could free me. My chest fucking swelled at the prospect. They could release me from everything that was holding me in, keeping me prisoner in this cage. They would save my life.

I passed through the kitchen and almost passed right by the greenhouse, but I caught myself. I should bring her some flowers, my mother. She probably misses her roses. Sure the meadow has some beautiful wildflowers in the spring, but its so cold out there now.

I walked up and down the aisles of the greenhouse as my eyes skimmed over the endless petals for the perfect ones.

I plucked a few roses up and twirled them in my hands and I headed outside again. I realized I should probably grab something to tie them with. I thought I remembered seeing some type of ribbon in with all the Christmas stuff so I ran back inside to grab it. Once I tied some of the black ribbon around the thorny stems, I started back towards the kitchen. As I got closer, I heard the soft murmur of their voices echo down the hallway.

"I think I love him Jasper!" She said. My breath hitched in my throat as I paused outside of the doorway, listening to her every word.

I smiled to myself as their conversation played out, until she said those four tiny words that almost stopped my melted heart from beating. _What if he can't?_

I felt like someone stabbed me in the chest, almost leaving me gasping for air. Does she think I can't love her? Am I that much of a monster to her that I'm not able to love her? My hand subconsciously tightened around the bouquet, but I barely felt the sharp thorns digging into my flesh.

I heard the door close and her sigh loudly a moment later. The instant I stepped into the kitchen, her face went blank. "Edward?"

"I wanted to bring my mom some flowers," I said. "I just came back inside for some ribbon." I nodded and stomped across the floor towards the door. I was suffocating in this room with her. I needed to get out.

Once I was outside, my legs carried me faster and faster over the drifting snow towards the trees. They were safe. I could hide there. At least for a little while.

I kept rubbing my finger against one of the thorns, just light scraping it against my skin enough to give me something to focus on. By the time I made it to the meadow, I was mumbling to myself and shaking a bit from the cold.

This was the fucking reason I didn't let anyone in. I didn't want to experience the disappointment. For the first time I was terrified of disappointing someone else, instead of being disappointed when they cowered away. I didn't want to let her down. She meant everything to me and I started to doubt if I could be enough for her. She doesn't think I can love her. Hell, maybe she's right. I can't blame her for looking at me and seeing something dark and unnatural. Love is light and beautiful, the complete opposite of everything I am. I am the darkness, polluting the every damn thing around me. I thought maybe I could move past it, but her doubt shattered everything.

I stood staring at my parents' graves for the longest time in silence. I'd lost all the words I'd wanted to say to them. It was almost like the wind blew them away and now they're left lingering on my fucking tongue.

I brought the bouquet of roses to my nose and inhaled, taking in their sweet scent. One of the best things about my mother is that she always smelled like them. It was almost like I was wrapped up in her arms, like she was hugging me, telling me everything was okay. Was it okay?

I wanted her here. I wanted my father here. I was never one to tell them about girls, since my extracurricular activities left something to be desired, but Bella was different. Bella was fucking beautiful and everything I want in my life. I was just sorry they weren't here to meet her.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. My knees started to shake beneath me, threatening to send me crashing into the cold snow. I'd been struggling this whole time to say those couple words and they tumbled from my lips barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry," I said again. I was sorry. I was such a horrible son to them. I was sorry they had to deal with everything I put them through. I was sorry that my destructive behavior killed them. They didn't deserve that. We all deserved better than what happened to us, even I did. I'd spent all this time telling myself that this was my burden, but I was beginning to realize that even I deserved better circumstances than this. I was worthy of more.

"I'm sorry," I screamed. My legs finally gave out and I collapsed in front of them as stuttered sobs ripped through my chest. And then they stopped almost as instantly as they had started. I clenched my teeth and glanced up at the headstone one last time before placing the roses on top of it.

I sniffled and wiped at my eyes as I stood. As I turned away from my parents, I stopped immediately. Across the meadow I saw a pair of deer stepping through the snow. They looked at me, pausing for the slightest moment before carrying on with their business. As fucking cliche as it sounds, I felt like my parents were telling me something. That maybe they heard me. Maybe I'm just bat shit crazy and starting to get hypothermia out here, but it felt better. I felt better. At least about my parents anyway.

I started back to the house and found it completely silent. I trudged upstairs, cursing my wet pants the entire time. I went to Bella's room and slipped inside. I heard the shower running and peeked my head inside the bathroom. I could see her shape behind the curtain, standing there doing nothing and looking like she was deep in thought. _I love you._ I quietly closed the door and walked out of the room, completely undetected.

I went to my room, changed into some different pants and grabbed a drink. I sat down in the chair in the corner and drank as I waited. I knew she'd come at some point because she always did. Even with the static between us, we always found our way to each other.

She finally opened the door and stepped inside, her body wrapped in a towel and her hair still dripping wet. I watched her in the darkness until she saw me. I diverted my eyes to the glass beside me, trying to figure out what I wanted to say. _What did I want to say?_ With every passing moment, I got more and more frustrated with the whole situation. I wasn't mad at her. Not even a little bit. I was mad that through whatever means, she'd been led to think those things about me.

"Am I incapable of love?" I whispered. I glanced up at her and felt the urge building up inside. This was the normal scene. I get upset. I yell. I scream. I throw things and act like a fucking child. "Am I?" I wasn't even asking her, not really. I was just so...angry at the world in this moment and I wanted nothing but to be able to love her like she needs to be loved. Why can't the fucking universe just give me that? Just once? "Am I Bella?" My hand instinctively reached for the glass, but I told myself no. Not now. Not with her. _Fix it, Edward._

Her eyes were sad, broken, lost. I didn't know what to say or do to make it better. "I'm sorry Edward, I didn't mean it like that." She shook her head furiously as the tears started to slip down her cheeks.

"Do you think its impossible for someone like me to love?"

"No."

"Because there's this pain so deep in my chest…" I reached for my heart. "Whenever I think of being anywhere, but with you. And I don't know what that is, but it's the only kind of love I've ever genuinely felt for someone. It's something I've never known before Bella and it has to be love right? If I can feel you right here?" I hit myself because I didn't know what else to do.. "It's love."

The next thing I knew she was on me, everywhere around me. I pulled her close and we cried together. Her towel slipped a couple times and I noticed her shiver, so I pulled it back up and held her closer than before. I kissed her shoulder, her neck, her lips as I spoke against them.

"I'm falling," I whispered. "I just want you to fall with me." I brushed her hair away from her face and kissed her again, putting all that I am into it. "Trust me with your heart, Bella."

"I trust you," she said calmly. She took a deep breath. "And I fell," she murmured. "I'm falling." She pushed the towel from her body and it fell to the floor with a soft thump.

Her lips were on mine and over my skin, nipping and kissing and driving me fucking crazy. My hands encircled her small, bare waist and moved up her back before circling back down. She whimpered when I reached below the dimples on her back and pulled her hips against me. I was hard in an instant and knew in that moment that I wanted to make love to her.

I cupped her ass and picked us both up from the chair as I shuffled across to the bed. She pulled and tugged at my shirt along the way, finally getting it off a moment before I laid her down on the mattress. A small, sweet smile played on her lips as she watched me unbutton my pants. I pushed them down and collapsed on top of her as she pawed at my boxer-briefs. She managed to get them down to my thighs and sighed when she saw her progress.

I kissed her quickly before I sat up and kicked them the rest of the way off. She crawled across the bed and licked her lips before taking me deep inside of her mouth. I groaned and reached down to caress her hair as she licked and sucked. I carefully leaned forward and placed my palm flat against her back and worked my way down her flesh, past her ass to her core. As I pushed a finger, then two, then three inside her, she tightened around my dick, lightly grazing her teeth across me.

She started whimpering, moaning, cussing me out in pleasure as I pushed faster inside her. She released me from her lips and her head fell forward as she reached towards the bed for support. I needed her to go first. I wanted her to. I wanted to see her come undone again and again.

"Come on baby...the sooner you let go, the sooner I can be inside you," I urged her on and knelt down on the bed. I moved my other hand to her front and started rubbing my finger against her. I pulled my fingers from her and gently pushed her back on the bed, before entering her again.

"Edward," she moaned.

"I love you..." I kissed the side of her mouth as I felt her writhe below me. _Soon_.

She screamed and slammed her hands up behind her. They smacked roughly against the headboard, sending it with a thud back into the wall. I crawled up her body and lined myself up with her, just enough to feel her against me.

"I need you," she said.

"I need you," said, brushing my hand down her side and to her hip. She nodded quickly as I pushed myself inside her. We both fell silent, speechless from this moment and how fucking good it felt. She spread her knees farther apart as I started to move inside her, in and out, feeling every inch. _I love you._

Sweat. Breath. Lips. Bella. Fingers, toes curled. _I love you._

. Hard. Fast. Slow. _I love you._

"Fuck," I hissed. "It's so good." I rested my forehead on hers as I pushed my hips against hers again and again. Her jaw dropped slightly, relaxing enough to make her pink lips pout a little. She took her bottom lip between her teeth, sucking it in and making it disappear for the slightest moment. Her hands held my face close to hers, enough that I could feel her breath on my skin. I'd never known this before, this feeling of completeness. I'd never feel it with anyone else again. It had to be Bella. Always.

I felt the pressure building as a drop of sweat trickled down my cheek. My lips searched out hers as I struggled to hold everything in. _Just a little longer._ I closed my eyes and concentrated on the soft thump of the headboard against the bed as I filled her over and over.

"So close," she breathed. She arched her body against me as I felt every fiber in my body buzz with electricity. I buried myself deep inside her once more as I crashed into everything I'd never felt. I'd gotten off plenty of times before with way too many girls, but I couldn't explain this. There were no words and I doubt even fucking Shakespeare could describe a moment like this. I was paralyzed.

She screamed in ecstasy and collapsed back onto the bed, breathing and panting hard. I kissed her once more, slipping my tongue into her mouth to taste her. I sighed and rolled beside her as I grabbed her hand and pulled it to my chest.

She smiled and turned her head towards me. "I didn't know this existed..." she whispered. She squeezed my hand tighter and her eyes fluttered shut.

"I love you," I said again, just because I could. "I deserve you," I whispered. I leaned over and kissed her neck.

"I love you too," she murmured as she drifted asleep. I followed closely behind her, my body feeling like it was completely melted into the bed.

I woke a few hours later to Bella still asleep beside me. The freezing rain slamming against the window outside woke me and I realized that I might have lied to her. Maybe the spring was coming early. For once in my life, I wished winter would stay forever.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and watched it plink against the glass. I felt the fear Bella felt. I felt it everywhere.

"I'm never leaving you, Edward," she said from behind me. I felt her crawl across the bed and wrap her arms and legs around me. Her palms rested against my chest and I could feel the warmth of her bare body all down my back. "I might have to go back for a little bit, but I'm not leaving you." She kissed my shoulder. "Okay?"

"Okay."

She was never leaving me. Everything would be okay. She would never leave.

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**A/N: Man I'm paranoid about her leaving just thinking about it. : /**

**So the last few chapters have been a little shorter than usual. It wasn't a conscious thing, I honestly just write until I feel like the chapter is complete and that was just how the cookie crumbled, but I hope you've enjoyed them. We're starting to wind down to the big finale!**

**A couple of announcements: **

**My new story, The Roommate, is a Fic of the Week over at TLS. You can find the review and the reviews for the other wonderful fics up on their website a little later this week so make sure to check those out.**

**I'm going to be involved in "Junkin for Joplin", an auction for the victims of the terrible tornado in Joplin. I'll be donating an outtake from Love Like Winter, The Roommate, Code of Conduct or Game, Set, Match. The winning bidder gets to choose ; ) I'll put the link for their Facebook on my profile page. Once you join the group, check out the photo album because that's going to tell you what's up for bid. Once bidding options just "comment" a bid on the photo of what you want. There are also further instructions on the group page. My best advice for auctions is to band together and bid in a group, whatever you're bidding for. You're more likely to win. There's some great things up for auction, so I hope you'll consider bidding. Thanks : )**


	18. Leaving

The snow had begun to melt, and I mean really melt, about a week ago. The roads were probably passable. My poor phone charger was probably lying in a puddle somewhere out on the road. It was like everything was melting away with the snow, everything I held dear was just getting smaller and smaller with each drop of rain against the ground.

"You know I still have a few days before my flight was technically supposed to get back from Europe," I mumbled. "I don't have to go back yet."

"But you have to go back," Edward said, keeping his eyes on the yard.

"I'll come back," I said quickly. "I just have to get things settled back in town, but I'll come back." I reached over and took his hand.

It was odd that something as simple as rain could turn us into this. We were afraid. There was no other way to put it and even though I didn't want to leave, there was something else in that fear. I could feel it. Like something bad was on the horizon.

"I want you to take me." I turned towards him and forced his eyes to mine. "I want you to take me back, not Jasper."

"I can't," he said.

"Why not?"

"I just can't okay?" He got up off the bed and ran his fingers through his hair. "It's complicated."

"Everything is complicated, Edward. Are you never going to go into town again? You're just going to stay up here forever in your little bubble and never experience life? This isn't a life!" I tried not to get upset, but we were reaching a breaking point. If either of us wanted any resemblance of a life, we both needed to take risks. I needed him to take a risk.

"Bella, you know how they treated me. You know…" He clenched his fists. "You know what I went through."

"Who gives a shit what they think?" I got up and started towards the door. "You have to stop being afraid sometime."

He started to say something else that was probably more whining, but I shut the door before he could get it out.

I screamed in frustration as I stomped down the stairs. I ran through the kitchen and outside into the rain, not bothering to grab a sweatshirt on the way out. It was cold against my skin and I could see the goose bumps start to flesh up over my arms. There was a slight fog settling across the yard, creeping from the edge of the forest towards the house. Everything looked so green, so different from the pure white it had been when I first arrived here. It was like an entirely new place.

I could actually see the wet stone of what looked like some kind of fence surrounding the property. I could imagine in the spring it was covered in moss and maybe the occasional wildflower. The garden itself was stunning. There was a large fountain that I never would have seen in the mountains of snow. It looked like it hadn't been used in years. The top part had broken off and was resting where the water should, laying like a broken moment in time. That's exactly what this entire place was. Like one big, beautiful fucked up scrapbook. Every broken mirror. Every tipped over statue. It was snapshots of Edward's life. I wanted it to be beautiful again. My heart fluttered at what it could be; what it should be…what I could make it. I told myself the moment I fell in love with him that I was never going to let him slip again. I'd never let go.

The greenhouse door flew open and Jasper came through carrying some gardening tools. He looked up and smiled when he saw me.

"Hey." He started towards the outdoor garden and I followed him in silence. The rain was still beating down on us, but he didn't seem to care. My thoughts were so jumbled, I hardly noticed it.

He set down all of his tools and started assessing the garden, checking out the soil and started to plan things out in his head. He was happy. Spring was almost here and now he had the flowers to keep him company.

I leaned against one of the cold, damp statues and crossed my arms.

"What's wrong?" Jasper knelt down and started digging into the earth.

"He won't take me back."

"He hasn't driven in years, I don't know if I'd trust him." He laughed a little before looking up at me. "Did you ask him to?"

"Yes." I kicked at the grass. "I told him I wanted it to be him and he got upset. Said I didn't understand."

"You understand him better than anyone Bella. Even me. I always knew he was in a dark place, but I didn't know how to break through it. You did it. You were his light. I don't doubt that he knows that."

"He's just so…stubborn." I sighed.

"Edward's always going to be stubborn. He got that from his father, that's not changeable." He smiled and took a few steps closer to me. "I didn't want to say anything until I was sure." He fidgeted with his gardening gloves. "I'm going into town tomorrow."

My breath stopped. We all knew it was coming and now it was knocking on our doorstep. I wrapped my arms around myself as Jasper leaned down and kissed my forehead. "Don't ever let him forget the winter," he said before walking away.

The winter had changed him. It changed me. How do I leave something so significant?

I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of my tears mix with the cool rain. And then his arms were around me. I shivered in the cool air and leaned back into his body as he tightened his grip around me.

"You always come after me," I whispered.

"And I always will." Edward leaned down and kissed my neck.

"Just not into town." I turned around to face him. I took his silence as his answer. I nodded and slipped my hands around his wrist. I pulled his palm up to my lips and kissed his skin. "I understand," I mumbled.

I did, but I didn't. I wanted him to come even though I knew he felt safe up here. I wanted him to feel protected and as much as I wanted to be enough, I wasn't.

I stepped away from him and started towards the house to pack. My clothes were sopping wet so I kicked off my shoes as soon as I got inside and ran upstairs. I peeled off my clothes and hung them up in the bathroom to dry as I searched for something else to wear. I found one of Edward's t-shirts sitting in the chair so I pulled it on and started ambling around the room trying to find all my things. It reached down mid-thigh and smelled just like him.

I glanced up at the door as it creaked open. Edward stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He didn't say a word as I flitted across my room, grabbing clothes and miscellaneous things. I packed them slowly into my bag. I avoided his eyes the whole time, but I felt him watching me intently. It was driving me fucking crazy.

I finally looked up at him. Once I caught his eyes, I couldn't look away. He pushed my buttons in every way. Brought me to the edge of sanity. Made me so angry sometimes I wanted to scream. Kept me so completely captivated that even when I left this house, I would be forever his. A willing prisoner to this place.

"What?" I asked, throwing a sweatshirt down in my bag.

"You think I like being afraid?" He rubbed at his forehead. "Do you think I like how this has completely fucked up and controlled my life?" I flinched a little, surprised by the anger in his voice. He started pacing around the room. "I want to be brave…flawless. I want to protect you, be there for you, be a...normal boyfriend for you. I want all those things. Can't you see that I'm fighting for it, you can't bend me until I break Bella!"

"Name one thing you've done since high school that scared you!"

He took a few steps towards me and placed his finger under my chin. "Fall in love with you."

"Yeah?" I whimpered.

"Yeah." He leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. He gently grabbed a fistful of my hair and held my face to his as he backed me up towards the wall. He forced me back against it with his hips as his tongue parted my lips and slipped inside.

His hand slowly migrated from my hip down to my thigh before slipping under the shirt. He paused below my stomach to brush over my center as he moved up to my breasts. I reached down for his pants and frantically tried to unzip them. I fumbled with the zipper, but finally got it and pushed his pants down as far as I could.

"Baby…" He moaned. He nipped and sucked at my neck as his fingers ghosted over my chest. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he slammed me back into the wall again.

His palms fell flat against the wall on either side of my head as his tongue danced between my lips, tasting me completely. I heard his nails scratch down the wall as I wrapped my legs around his waist. He reached down between us and positioned himself under me before sliding inside me. My eyes rolled in the back of my head as he forced his hips roughly against mine.

I arched my back, rolling my hips to meet every thrust. He didn't bother pawing at my shirt. It didn't matter. We wanted to fuck each other. I was leaving and even though it wasn't final, something about it felt that way. I wanted it rough. I wanted it hard. I wanted the passion. I wanted the beast.

He leaned down and nipped at my breasts through his t-shirt. I shivered and ran my fingers through his hair as a picture frame tumbled to the ground. They continued down his shoulders, digging in and scratching harder than I should have.

I bit down on my lip and grabbed his chin, forcing his eyes to mine. My jaw fell slack as he pounded into me again and again. My fingers were tight around his jaw as he brushed the hair over my shoulder and picked up his pace. The entire house was silent except for the thud of my body against the wall and the soft, staccato murmur of our breaths, rising and falling in unison.

His hands slid easily down my back. He slipped lower and cupped my ass as he pushed himself deeper one last time, forcing me into release.

"Fuck!" He grunted and rested his head on my shoulder. I kissed his cheek and tried to breathe against his weight. I rested my elbows on his shoulder and lifted enough that he slipped out of me. I kissed his lips on the way back down and whimpered as my feet finally found the floor.

I kissed his chest and ambled to the bathroom to clean myself up. When I was finished I walked back out to the bedroom and found him sitting on the edge of the bed. He looked guilty, like he'd done something unforgivable.

"What's wrong?" I asked. I walked over to the bed and forced myself between his knees. "Edward?"

"Was that…okay?" He asked.

My heart sank. I knew he used to be rough with girls when he was younger and now he felt like he couldn't be. He felt like what just happened was a mistake. He couldn't be farther from the truth.

"I never asked you to lose that fire," I mumbled. I ran my fingers through his hair. "I want you to burn." I bit down on my lip. "In your chest, in the pit of your stomach. I never want that fire in your eyes to go away."

He put his arms around my waist and rested his forehead against my stomach before pulling me down into the bed with him.

"Listen…" He started. "About tomorrow."

"I don't want to talk about tomorrow." I kissed his lips and pulled the blankets over our heads. "I want to stay here with you. And not think about it."

"I love you….completely. Do you understand me?" He nuzzled into my hair. "No matter what I do or say. I love you."

"I know. I love you too."

Edward seemed a little tense as we laid in bed with each other. I was, but I tried not to let it show. I didn't want to ruin my last night with him, but I couldn't help but think a little about my future…our future. If I moved up here, it's not like I'd be losing anything. I don't have a job. Maybe we could work towards restoring this place. It would make a wonderful Bed and Breakfast, but I knew that would be in the distant future…the very distant future. Edward doesn't even want to go into town, I highly doubt he'd want any more strangers sleeping in his house.

Edward smiled and ran his finger slowly up and down my spine as we drifted off to sleep. I never wanted to leave this bed. Or this house. It was home. He was home.

The next morning came too soon. Even though I was awake, I refused to open my eyes. I smiled and reached blindly behind me for Edward, but was only met with empty bed. I rolled over and opened my eyes. He wasn't here.

I sat up and looked around the room. It was completely clean. My bags were gone. There wasn't a trace of me here anymore except for a single outfit laid out on the chair in the corner.

I stumbled out of bed and pulled on the clothes before heading downstairs. I noticed my bags were neatly placed by the front door, ready to go. I heard some commotion out in the kitchen and I assumed it was Edward making coffee. I planted a smile on my face even though I was feeling incredibly sad.

"Edward?" I started towards the kitchen and was surprised to see Jasper instead of Edward sipping from a coffee cup.

"Good morning," he said softly. He looked anxious.

"Morning. Where is he?"

Jasper cleared his throat and took a step towards me. It was only then that I noticed the envelope under his arm. I saw Edward's handwriting peeking out, the beginning of my name written on the envelope.

"Jasper," I said. He handed me the envelope.

"He said he couldn't watch you drive away. He went for a run." He looked at me with apologetic eyes. "I'm sorry."

I felt the tears prickle behind my eyes. "It's okay," I whispered. I took the envelope and glanced out at the woods. I was hurt, but I understood. I can't say I wouldn't feel the same way if the roles were reversed. "It's okay, I'll be back sometime next week. I'll borrow my dad's car. I'll come back." I nodded and took one last look around the house before we started towards the door. Jasper grabbed my bags for me and we headed out to the car. He let it run for a while since it hadn't been used all winter before we took off.

I held my breath as I watched the house disappear in the rearview mirror. We drove down the winding driveway that I'd trekked up all those months ago when this whole thing started. We passed the gate and turned onto the road.

I wiped the tears away from my eyes as we drove farther and farther down the road, away from everything. I remembered the letter in my hands and frantically tore at the paper to open it. I pulled out a single page. Several lines were crossed out at the top, like he didn't know what to say.

_Bella,_

_I'm a coward right? The one brave thing I did this winter made me weak and I couldn't bare to watch you leave. I'm sorry. _

_After you fell asleep last night I panicked. I held onto you for hours, clinging for dear life. I was almost afraid I was going to fucking break you. I ended up getting up this morning and packing your clothes for you. You spent the winter picking up after me, the least I could do is help you pack. _

_I want you to know that I love you forever, no matter what happens. I don't want you to feel obligated to come back. I know this house is like a prison and I could never ask you to sacrifice everything for it. No matter how much I want to, I won't ask you to do that. _

_You literally saved my life and there is no place I'd rather be than beside you. I'm sorry that I can't give you that right now but know that I'll carry you in my heart, because you're fucking permanent. Always. _

_I love you,_

_Edward_

I sniffled and folded the piece of paper back up. When I glanced up at the road, I started to recognize places and road names. It wasn't a long drive into town when the roads were clear. I'd be home in less than twenty minutes.

I felt off. I felt like I did when I first set foot in the Cullen mansion, except it was in my own town. Anxious. Alone. Afraid. This place had become more foreign to me in the last few months than the mansion ever was. I didn't belong here.

My heart started beating faster and faster as I felt the walls closing in on me. I was panicking. This wasn't right. It wasn't right that he wasn't here. I shouldn't be here. I couldn't be here.

"Jasper, stop the car…"

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**A/N: Dun dun dunnnnnnn. I usually don't end with cliffies, but this one seemed appropriate. I wonder where our little B is thinking...**

**Just a few more chapters until the prologue. Who is the mysterious attacker?**

**I was absolutely honored that Love Like Winter was chosen as TwiFicDatabase's Pick of the Week last week. There's a wonderful review as well as an interview with me on their website. If you check out my profile, under the LLW section there's a link to it. I'd appreciate it if you took a gander and supported their wonderful website. Thanks again for choosing it! : )**


	19. The Return

**Thank you to kdillin for being my beta and thanks to ImHereToReview for prereading this chapter for me when I was a little unsure. : )**

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**Edward**

I couldn't fucking take it. I told myself that she would come back and everything would be okay. I was being a selfish bastard. But I couldn't take watching her leave. It would've killed me.

I cursed under my breath as I slipped from bed and covered her back up. I risked her hating me, doing this to her. Leaving without any warning so she didn't leave me. It was an asshole thing to do, but I hoped she would understand it even if I barely understood it myself.

I quietly started picking up the few things she had left to pack and placed them in her suitcase. As bad as it sounded, I didn't want her to linger here tomorrow morning. The longer she was here, the longer I would have to change my mind about all this. I convinced myself it was better for both of us. We'd had our time and now it was over. The winter had come and gone. It was almost like a portrait in my head. Every moment, every image captured perfectly in the soft, white snow. And now I had to hang it on the wall and move on. This wasn't her life. This was my life. I didn't blame her for that. If she could come back she would, but maybe she shouldn't even though I wanted her to.

I shook my head and cursed myself for every contradiction running through my head. It was like my head and my heart were waging a war on each other and I couldn't even think straight.

I carried her things downstairs and set them by the front door before I pulled out a piece of paper and left my heart etched in the ink. And then I ran. I ran out into the backyard, passing Jasper as he went into the house. He watched me as I went, a knowing look in his eye. I ran towards the trees, through the forest, towards the meadow.

When I got back to the house, I hid back by the tree line, hidden in the shadows to make sure that they were gone. As soon as I saw Jasper's car was gone, I walked the rest of the way up to the house. Each step closer to the empty house made my chest burn so much so that I could barely fucking breathe by the time I got inside.

Everything was silent. Everything was cold. Her warmth was gone. I stood at the back door and listened for a moment, taking it all in. I eventually walked upstairs and went to her room only to find it as empty as I'd expected it to be.

My eyes started to sting, burning with the tears that I didn't want to fall. "Damn it!" I screamed, grabbing fistfuls of the blanket that covered her bed. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel, but I felt hollow. Like a vital piece of me was just…missing.

I finally forced myself to go downstairs. I thought about closing her door behind me, but I didn't. I left it wide open.

I stumbled down the hallway, wiping at my eyes. As I marched downstairs, I heard something. It sounded like the back door opening. Was Jasper back already?

"Jazz?" I called. I crept around the corner and lost my breath the moment I stepped into the kitchen. She was here.

Bella's hands trembled as she held onto her bag. Her face was stained with tears and a slight smile graced her lips.

"I couldn't go yet..." she said softly.

"I didn't want you to go yet."

She dropped her bags on the floor and ran across the room towards me. I opened my arms a moment before she jumped up to meet me. She wrapped her legs around my waist, pulling herself closer to me as she cried into my neck.

I sighed in relief, feeling a little more complete with her here. I hated that I needed her that much. I hated it. But I loved her.

"I don't have to be back for a few days," she mumbled against my neck. I nodded and kissed her. I carried her back upstairs to my room and we hid under the covers for the rest of the day. It felt right - . Like this is right where she was supposed to be. Every step that led her back to me was a step in the right direction. We needed this time. Away from stress, not worrying about what was to come. I was determined to keep it that way.

"Where's Jasper?" I asked.

"He dropped me off and went back into town. I needed him to check on something for me."

"What is it?" I asked.

"A surprise."

"I don't like surprises."

"Stop being a grump." She laughed and punched me in the shoulder.

Jasper returned later that evening with a car full of groceries, including three boxes of Lucky Charms. I was a happy fucker.

The next morning, Bella got up and helped Jasper out in the yard. I eventually joined them outside and leaned against the greenhouse as they worked. I'd begun to notice a difference in the yard, in my mother's garden. The weeds and moss were starting to disappear as Jasper and Bella worked across it. I could actually...see things. The fountain, the statues. Just like she wanted it to be.

Bella sat back on her knees and wiped some sweat off of her forehead as she chatted with Jasper. I smiled and walked over to meet them, falling down to my knees beside her.

"How can I help?" I asked.

"Grab the hose and start filling the fountain over there. After that, Jasper will probably need help carrying the new soil he bought in town."

"We should start seeing the flowers begin to pop up anytime soon..." Jasper's smile was hard to contain. Spring was his favorite season. He turned to Bella. "I talked to Alice while I was in town."

"You did?" She asked.

"Yeah. I saw her at the store again. I didn't tell her you were here...It wasn't really my place. But we're set to have lunch on Thursday afternoon. I thought that would be a good day since...you know."

"What's Thursday?" I asked.

"It's when my flight was supposed to get back. I'll have to go back," she mumbled.

I slowly got up and grabbed the hose like she had asked. I stood across the yard filling the fountain as I watched her work.

Something was stirring deep inside me and I couldn't figure out what it was. A gnawing. An itch. I bit down on my lip and tried to shake it off as I finished with the fountain.

We all worked outside for the next couple of days, her last days. It was turning out to be beautiful. Something about Bella working on my mother's garden made me love her more. Almost like they had some type of connection. I was wishing more and more every day that they could have met her.

We both grew a little more tense on Wednesday, but it was different this time. Not as harsh. Not as final as before. I knew she was leaving tomorrow. There was no buffer, no grace period. If she didn't go back tomorrow, I was sure her father would search the ends of the Earth to find her. I wasn't so sure that he hadn't suspected something was wrong already. She's been gone for months with not a single phone call or letter.

We had dinner with Jasper Wednesday night before Bella and I retreated to my room. She grabbed a towel and headed for the shower as I sat down on the bed.

I'd been expecting her to ask me to take her back all day. I knew it was what she wanted and with her stubborn attitude I was surprised she hadn't.

"Bella?" I called into the bathroom. She didn't answer. I guess she couldn't hear me over the sound of the shower.

I got up and stumbled to the bathroom. I peeked my head inside and squinted through the steam. I could see her shape moving behind the frosted glass of the shower.

"Bella?" I called again. Nothing.

I walked inside and leaned against the counter. After a few minutes, I felt a little creepy that I was just standing here waiting for her to finish. I shrugged out of my clothes and opened the door to the shower.

"Another few minutes out there Peeping Tom and I was going to invite you in anyway." She ran her fingers through her wet hair and stepped under the stream of water.

"Sorry," I said.

"It's okay." She reached out and brushed her fingers along my stomach. "I wanna be close to you tonight."

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to my chest. We stayed like that until the water ran cold. I think both of us were afraid to move.

I reached over and turned the water off when it got too cold to stand it. It wasn't until then that I realized she was crying. Her shoulders shook against my body as quiet sobs escaped from between her lips.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" I bent down, trying to find her face through her mess of hair.

"I love you," she said.

"I love you too." I kissed her cheek. "I love you too," I said again.

I opened the shower door and reached outside to grab her a towel. I wrapped her up in one and scooped her up in my arms as I carried her to bed. She clung to me as I tried to let her go.

"Bella, I have to go dry off. I'll be right back," I whispered.

She sniffled and let go before burrowing into the blankets. I went back into the bathroom and dried myself off. I grabbed a pair of boxers from my drawer and slipped them on before crawling into bed beside her.

She was on my chest as soon as I laid down, her fingertips exploring my skin. They brushed up over my neck and to my face where she traced along the lines of my scars. If someone would have told me even a year ago that this would be happening, I'd laugh in their fucking face. I never thought I'd be okay with someone even seeing my scars, let alone touch them. Bella saw it all and more.

"Why haven't you asked me yet?" I asked.

"Asked you what?"

"To take you back."

She kissed my bare chest. "Because I know you don't want to." Her hand drifted across my stomach, where it fell lazy at my side.

That stung. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I just...couldn't? Why couldn't I? I sighed and closed my eyes, willing sleep to take me.

It reluctantly did, but not for long. I woke up a couple of hours later and shifted slight under Bella's weight. I didn't want to wake her. I smiled and ran my fingers through her hair as I bent my head down to watch her sleep. I was surprised when I was met with her dark, brown eyes instead.

"What are you doing awake?" I asked.

"I can't sleep."

"You worked outside all day, how can you not be tired?" I caressed the small of her back.

"I don't know." She yawned as her eyelids fought to stay open. She was exhausted. It didn't make sense.

And then it did. She thought she was going to wake up to an empty bed again.

"I'm not leaving, Bella." I gently pushed her over onto the bed and curled up beside her. "I promise I'll be here when you wake up."

She searched my eyes for confirmation before nodding and relaxing into her pillow. I held her hand as she fought it a little while longer. She slowly, but surely began to lose her battle. They eventually fluttered shut and once I was sure she was asleep, I followed shortly after.

When I woke the next morning, she was already awake. Her face held a sad smile as she studied me.

"I was thinking about coming back up here next week after things calm down. Maybe bring my Dad up if that's okay with you." She reached over and took my hand. "Maybe it'll make him understand."

I wasn't too thrilled about her dad coming up here, but I could see her point. I didn't have the best track record with the Chief and maybe if he saw how well Bella had done up here, he would look past my discretions and support our relationship. Fat chance of that happening, but I could dream.

"It's okay with me."

"Really?"

"Yes." I leaned over and kissed her.

We both wanted to stay in bed all day, but we knew it was impossible. Jasper tried not to seem excited about his date with Alice because he knew it was a tough day for us.

I watched as he put her bag in the car for the second time. I watched her eyes glisten with tears as she crawled into the passenger's seat. I watched as he turned on the car and started down the driveway. And then I wasn't watching anymore. I was running.

My lungs protested at the sudden sprint as I hauled myself towards the disappearing car. It paused at the end of the driveway and I nearly collided with it. Bella's eyes widened with surprised as I knocked at Jasper's window.

He cocked his eyebrow and rolled it down. "Yes?"

"I want to drive," I said quickly.

"What?"

"I said I want to drive. Get out."

"I...have a date."

"I know you have your date. Get in the back, we'll drop you off." I motioned to the backseat.

He slowly got out of the car and got into the backseat. I straightened my shirt out and sighed before I slid into the driver's seat.

"Honey, are you sure about this?" Bella asked.

"You haven't driven in a long time, Edward. Easy does it."

"I can do it, damn it!" I slammed my palm down on the steering wheel and the horn echoed out. Bella cracked a smile and laughed almost silently to herself.

I took a deep breath and adjusted the seat. I checked the mirrors and adjusted the seat again before pulling on my seat belt.

"Seat belts, please," I said softly, keeping my eyes ahead. Jasper put his on as Bella pulled her knees up to her chest. I reached down and turned on the radio before checking both ways and pulling out onto the road.

It took us twice as long to get into town because I refused to go much over 25 miles per hour. Jasper was right. I hadn't driven in a long time. It wasn't that I'd forgotten by any means, but I just wanted to be cautious.

"God Edward, my 100 year grandmother used to drive faster than that," Jasper complained.

"Shut up, fucker, I'm driving."

"You're doing fine, Edward." Bella reached over and rested her hand on my thigh. "Jasper, where are you meeting Alice?"

"The diner downtown," he answered. "On Market Street."

Market Street. I remember that place. I met a guy over there a couple of times to sell him some pills.

I got a little more anxious the closer we got to town. I noticed it because my knuckles started hurting from gripping the wheel too tightly.

We passed a car. And then another car. Pretty soon there were people walking down the sidewalks. My heart was beating a million miles a minute, threatening to jump right through my chest.

"You're okay," Bella said again.

"Just park there," Jasper said, pointing to an open spot in front of the diner.

As soon as the car stopped, I wanted to crawl into the backseat and hide. I was out in the open. Anyone walking by could look inside and see me. I felt completely exposed and I could feel my whole body start to panic.

"Edward..." Bella said. She took my face in her hands and smiled. "You did it." I let out a huge breath and nodded. "You're going to be fine. No one is looking at you. And if they do, I'll kick their ass okay?"

"Okay." I smiled nervously and turned the car off.

"Do you want to run in and see Alice, Bella?"

"No, I don't have to. I can see her later." Bella shrugged.

"Go," I said.

"What?"

"Go." I nodded to the diner. "I'll wait out here for you, it's okay."

She leaned over to kiss me before barrelling out of the car and towards the diner. I watched her as she ran inside and up to a petite brunette with short spiky hair. I assumed this was Alice.

"She's cute," I said to Jasper.

"Yeah." He patted my back. "I'm really proud of you, man."

"Thanks."

"I'll have Alice give me a ride back. Don't wait up." He winked and got out. I was happy for him. He'd sacrificed enough being up at the house with me. I guess I didn't realize it until now. That was his life. I was his life. And now he had the chance to have her. I wanted that for him.

I glanced back inside and smiled as Bella talked to Alice. They hugged and jumped up and down a couple of times. Alice's eyes flickered outside and I cowered back into my seat. She surprised me when she waved at me through the glass. I raised my hand and gave her a tentative wave. Bella looked like she was finishing up, when a younger guy stepped towards her. It looked like they knew each other, but I didn't like it. I began to realize what this all meant. Her going back. She was going to be around other people. I trusted her with my heart, but that didn't mean I trusted them. People were assholes.

I focused on the digital clock in the car as I waited for her. When I looked up again, she was coming out of the diner looking a little flustered. Her eyes were hard, tinted with a fleck of anger.

She got into the car and didn't say a word.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah. Let's get going." She stared straight ahead as I nodded and pulled out of the parking space. She gave me directions to her house, even though I was vaguely aware of where it was. I'd driven by the Chief's house and thrown shit at his car enough to know. If I would have known Bella was inside, I would have walked up to his door and asked his permission to take her out instead of spray painting "dick" on his mailbox.

I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants as I pulled into her driveway. I saw the curtains pull back in the front window and then fall closed again. Bella smiled and got out of the car. She ran up to the door and met her father as he opened it to greet her. He smiled and laughed as he threw his arms around her.

He glanced at the car a couple of times, but I wasn't convinced he could see that well inside. He turned back to Bella and started talking to her, I imagine about the trip that never was. His face fell and I assumed she'd just told him the truth about what'd happened with her car and cell phone charger. His face turned bright red and I noticed his fists clenching at his sides as his head whipped towards the car. Now was probably the time to get out.

I cleared my throat and stepped out.

"What the hell is going on here?" Charlie asked.

"Nice to see you again, sir." I smiled and rested my hands on the top of the car.

"How dare you keep my daughter up there!" He stomped his foot. "You had no right to keep her prisoner like that, I should file charges against you for kidnapping."

"Dad!" Bella scolded. "It wasn't his fault. Get a grip!" She took a step closer to me. "Edward and Jasper were very hospitable. They took me in and allowed me to stay with them." She took my hand and I saw Charlie's anger flair. "Edward saved my life. And I fell in love with him." She gave my hand a squeeze.

"Is this a joke?" Charlie asked.

"No."

"Sir, I love Bella very much." I felt like a teenager again asking permission to take a girl to prom or something. "She says I saved her life, but it's really the other way around."

"I know who you are." Charlie put his hands on his hips. "Do you really know him, Bella? Know about his past, his secrets."

"I know everything," Bella said. I was proud of how strong she was being. I was on the verge of shitting my pants and she was the epitome of calm. "We don't have secrets." She shook her head. "Dad, you told me when I was little not to look at the surface. Not to...judge people until I know them. I know Edward. And he knows me. Better than anyone. Better than Alice and better than you. Can't you understand that?"

Charlie glanced between Bella and I. His eyes softened a bit, but I could tell he was still trying to keep up his tough dad stunt. "We'll talk about it later. I want you inside. And Cullen I want you out of my driveway."

"Yes, sir." I wasn't going to argue with him. He didn't like me. That was okay. I didn't blame him.

"You don't have to go," Bella whispered.

"I do. It's okay, I've had enough of town for one day." I smiled and was surprised that I felt okay with all of this. I was at peace with the situation. She stood up for me. She stood up for us. She wasn't going anywhere. I could love her from anywhere, we didn't need to be in the same house all the time. This could work.

"Okay." She reached into her bag. "I almost forgot." She handed me a box and smiled. "I had Jasper pick this up for you when he was in town." It was a cell phone. She bought me a cell phone. "I already programmed my number into it. I'll have to run and get a new charger, but it should be up and running soon."

"Wow..." I nodded. "Thank you."

"Now you can call me every night and complain about how much Jasper is driving you nuts. Because he will. That man is already in love and you're going to hear about it."

"Goodie," I said sarcastically.

"So...I guess that's it." She smiled slightly and reached up to kiss me. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pressed her gently against the car. I nipped at her lips and felt her laugh against me. "Don't push it," she mumbled. "My dad already wants to cut your dick off."

"I better leave then because I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize ever spending time with you again," I said, smirking. I pecked her lips once more before I got into the car. She stood outside and watched me back out of the driveway. I waved as I slowly drove away.

It was hard, leaving her like that. But I knew she was okay. With this new phone, I could call her whenever I wanted to. Hopefully her dad would get her a new car or get her truck fixed. We were okay.

I drove straight back to the house and parked the car. When I got out, I slipped around the house and found myself wandering the gardens. The sun was warm on my face as I bent down to touch the new soil. I smiled to myself as I saw the very beginnings of the stems started to blossom from the earth. It was quite symbolic, if I do say so myself. Like a new beginning. This was the beginning of everything good.

I spent some more time outside and went back to the meadow to visit my parent's before I headed back to the house. As I rounded the corner, an unfamiliar car rolled up the driveway. I tensed slightly, wondering who it could be. I couldn't imagine it was being Jasper already. It was too early and he wouldn't explain the eerie feeling I got in the pit of my stomach. My only salvation was that it wasn't the one person who had hurt me before. It wasn't James. He died in prison two years ago.

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**A/N: *Mayjah dramatic moment music* I'd say about 95% of you thought our mysterious attacker from the prologue was James. *wags eyebrows* What do you think now?**

**We're so so close to getting to that prologue. We have one more chapter until we get there, which means this story is almost over. I want to say right now that its been a joy to write and thank you for indulging me in my adult Disney fantasies.**

**I'd love to hear your theories on what's going to happen! If you haven't started reading my other WIP The Roommate, now is the right time to start. All of the shit just hit the fan : )**

**Thanks again for reading!  
**


	20. Crazy Love

**kdillin is my amazing beta!**

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**Bella**

Edward was driving. Into town. I wouldn't have believed it unless I'd seen it with my own eyes. He was nervous the whole way, always anxiously looking around like he was expecting something bad to happen. I hated the fact that town meant that for him. Fear. Anxiety. Ridicule. And he was facing it all just to take me home.

It was strange being back in town, but it felt better having him beside me. Everything felt foreign, probably because I considered the mansion my home now. I felt more and more excited as we got closer to the diner. I missed Alice. Even if I just got to see her for a second, I would be happy.

Edward pulled into a spot in the front and I glanced through the front glass window of the diner. I could see her sitting inside at one of the stools at the front counter, spinning back and forth. She looked excited. I was anxious to see how she and Jasper would really get along, but I had no doubts. He was already smitten, that much was obvious.

Edward practically forced me out of the car so I could go see her. I felt terrible about leaving him outside. I wanted him to come, but I knew it would be too much. He'd had enough anxiety for one day.

I smiled as soon as I stepped inside. Alice spun in her seat and froze as soon as she saw me.

"B?" She asked.

"In the flesh." I shrugged.

She started screaming and jumped from her seat into her my arms. "I missed you so much, how was Europe? I have so many things to tell you." She glanced at Jasper standing beside her and smiled.

"I know." I nodded.

"You know?"

"I know," I said again.

"How do you know?" Her brow furrowed in confusion as she plopped back down on her stool.

"Ali...have I got a story for you." I leaned up against the counter and gave her the Reading Rainbow version of my winter. I told her about my damn truck breaking down on me, about stumbling to the mansion, about Edward saving my life. She was surprised to say the very least to hear everything. I saw her glance outside when I mentioned he was in the car. "Don't stare at him," I said.

"Sorry," she shrugged. "Not trying to be rude, I've just never really seen him."

"What can I get you to drink?" Jasper asked. Alice replied with a smile before turning back to me.

"Well I don't want to take too much time away from your date. We'll talk later." I hugged her again.

"Don't wait up." She winked and turned to Jasper.

I turned towards the door and was just about to leave when someone grabbed my arm. I flinched away and spun towards my unknown companion.

"Can I help...Alec?" I yanked my arm from his grasp. His face was stone cold as he stood before me.

"Bella." He nodded. "How was Europe?" He asked, a mocking tone in his voice. He'd obviously been listening.

"Didn't your mother tell you that eavesdropping was rude?" I crossed my arms and stepped away from him.

"So you were really with the freak the whole time?" He cocked his eyebrow.

"Don't...call him that."

"What should I call him? Crazy?" He smiled. "A beast. A...monster."

"You're the monster, asshole." I spun around and left the diner, trying not to let my distaste for Alec show too much.

Edward saw it of course, but he didn't push me too much. We had bigger fish to fry. And that fish was Charlie.

My dad was less than welcoming to Edward, especially when he learned of the nature of our relationship and the fact that instead of backpacking through Europe I was cooped up with him at his house. I knew about Edward's rocky past with my Dad and I planned to stand up for him no matter what. He was a different person now and I had to make Charlie understand.

I didn't know why I had convinced myself that leaving him the second time would be any easier. It was fucking brutal. I felt a little better that he at least had a phone on him now. I was hoping my dad's charger would miraculously fit my phone so I could call him later.

When I got back inside, Charlie and I sat at the dining room table for a long time in complete silence.

"So..." I started. "Crazy story, huh?" I smiled. He didn't.

"Honey, I just don't understand how this happened."

"My truck is a piece of shit."

"I understand that, but..." He sighed. "That boy..." He pointed outside.

"Is wonderful. And kind. And misunderstood." I stood up. "If you could look past who he used to be you would be able to see the amazing man that he's become. And if you can't do that then I feel sorry for you, Dad."

I found his phone charger and was happy to find that it did fit my phone. It would probably have to charge a thousand years before I'd be able to use it again, but it was on its way.

I sat down and decided to catch up with all of the news of the world. I flipped through the channels and ended up being glued to CNN for the next hour and a half. Charlie finally came out in his work uniform and grabbed his cruiser keys.

"I got called into work," he said. "There's a pizza from last night in the fridge, I'm not sure when I'll be home." He started towards the door, but stopped halfway and came back to kiss the top of my head. "I'm happy you're home, honey."

Jackpot. Cracked. "Love you, Dad. Be careful."

"Always am." He ducked out the door and left me completely alone. I looked around the empty house and missed him. It's strange not seeing someone you've seen almost every day for the past few months. I just didn't feel right.

I fell asleep on the couch and wasn't surprised when I dreamt of him. I was back at the mansion and at first I was so excited to see him. We were in the back, in the garden. He held me in his arms and I could feel the beat of his heart against my chest. Everything was beautiful and completely in bloom, filling the air with a sweet, succulent smell. And then there was something else. A tinge of rust. Blood.

"Edward?" I pulled back and gasped. His face was banged up, bloody and raw. My fingers worked quickly and tenderly over his skin as I tried to help him. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't help him. Something wouldn't let me. His knees wobbled below him and I felt him start to lose it. He slid to his knees before collapsing on the ground below me.

A devilish laugh came from behind us and I slowly turned to face him, only to be woken up by the sound of my doorbell.

My heart beat wildly against my chest, partly from my nightmare and partly from thinking maybe he'd come back to spend more time with me. I knew it was a long shot, but I could dream.

I smiled a little as I hopped over to the door. As soon as I opened the door, my smile fell.

"Was my brush off at the diner too subtle?" I asked.

"We need to talk," Alec said. His eyes were dark, almost on the edge of anger. He started into the house, but I blocked his way.

"I don't think I invited you in."

"Why is he here?" He peeked around me.

"No, Edward is not here. What do you want?"

"You need to rethink this." He tapped his foot anxiously.

"Rethink what?"

"Us."

"Are you fucking delusional, Alec? There is no us. There was never an us. There will never be an us. As far as I'm concerned any friendship we had is over. Please leave." I started to close the door, but he blocked my way. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I just..." He fidgeted and cocked his head to the side. The next thing I knew he slammed his body into the door, knocking me back onto the floor. He slammed the door behind him and started tugging violently at his hair. "I just had a plan Bella. This wasn't...this wasn't supposed to happen. You were supposed to be with me. You're going to be with me because that...thing doesn't deserve you. I deserve you, do you understand?"

I slowly started crawling closer and closer to my phone. I needed to call the cops. I was afraid. I was never this afraid when my car broke down, or even when I was standing face to face with the wolf. Alec scared me.

He pounced towards me and knelt down, straddling my waist and forcing me still. He grabbed my wrists and held them together a little too tightly. My skin screamed in pain and I cowered back onto the floor.

"Get off me!" I screamed. "You're hurting me!" I tried to pull myself free, but he was too strong. "This isn't going to go your way, Alec. Just leave!"

"It would if he wasn't in the picture..." He squeezed my wrists tighter as a sadistic smile spread across his face. "I'll take care of it." He released me and started towards the door.

"Take care of it?"

"Don't worry, love. It'll all be over soon." He slammed the door behind him and left me lying on the floor in tears.

I stumbled to my feet and rushed to the window just in time to see him speed off in his car. I didn't know how I knew it, but I did. He was going after Edward.

I rushed over to my phone and frantically dialed my dad's office.

"Forks' Police Department, how can I help you?" The secretary answered.

"This is Bella Swan; I need to talk to my father." I sniffled.

"He's out on a call. Is everything alright, I can page him if you need me to?"

"No everything is not fucking alright!" I ran my fingers through my hair and started pacing. "Tell him to meet me at the Cullen Mansion as soon as possible and it's an emergency."

I hung up before she could answer me and immediately dialed Alice's number. It went to voicemail. I tried again and it did the same thing.

I finally remembered that Edward had a phone now. I could warn him. Tell him to leave.

I ran to my bag and grabbed the piece of paper that I'd scribbled his number on and dialed. It rang a few times and then told me he didn't have his voicemail set up.

"Why is no one answering their fucking phones?" I screamed. I glanced outside and saw my neighbor Angela pull into the driveway and instantly darted for the door.

"Ang, I need to borrow your car! I'm sorry. It's an emergency." I grabbed her keys from her hand.

"O-kay?" She stepped back as I got in. "Welcome back?"

I sped out of her driveway and started towards the mansion, praying that I wasn't too late. God don't let me be too late.

I almost lost control of the car around the last turn before I reached the mansion, but managed to hold on. I screeched into the driveway and my heart fell when I saw Alec's car sitting idle.

I parked the car and jumped out, instantly shouting Edward's name. I heard a thud and spun towards the noise to find Alec standing over Edward's body. He was slumped on the ground, his face obscured by his hair.

"Alec!" I started towards them without another thought. I needed to protect him.

Alec raised his foot to kick him as I reached him. I launched myself onto his back, knocking him off guard and both of us to the ground. I slammed and punched my fist at his face, hoping at the very least to just distract him long enough for Edward to get up.

Alec reached behind him and grabbed hold of my hair so hard that I was sure he ripped a few strands out. I cried out in pain and instinctively recoiled back. He took the opportunity to fling me off his back. I landed hard on the ground as the concrete and rocks tore at my skin. I felt the pain shoot through my head as the world darkened around me.

I vaguely remembered Edward's voice as I fought to open my eyes. When I finally did, I was alone. I sat up, wincing at the pain in my head, and turned. Edward was walking towards me, a look of relief on his face. I saw Alec lean down behind him and pick up the knife from the ground. As he stalked towards him all I could do was scream. And then it was too late. Edward fell to the ground. He twisted and turned on the ground for a few moments before screaming out.

I glanced between Alec and Edward, who was very slowly rising to his knees. Alec stood before him and Edward didn't even flinch. He looked at me, almost with a slight smile on his face in this time of desperation. He glanced back and Alec and made no move to defend himself. He just sat there waiting for the next blow, a sacrifice for our love and for me. I never wanted him to die for me. I never wanted him to feel any more than he already had. I was supposed to save him and now I'd brought him face to face with death.

I stumbled up a moment before Alec hit him again. I screamed and ran towards them, pushing Alec to the ground as Edward lay motionless below me. I sniffled and knelt down beside Edward's body. His eyes were closed as his body lay awkwardly on the concrete.

_Wake up_, I thought. I grabbed his hand and held it to my cheek. "Wake up," I cried. "I love you, please wake up. Don't leave me..." I was afraid that my words were meaningless. I was afraid that I was too late.

* * *

**A/N: So how was the big reveal? Alec is a little off his rocker for Bella to say the very least. I'm thinking there will be 2 more chapters roughly. I'm going to retell a little of this chapter from EPOV and then there will be an epilogue. This could all change depending on how writing goes and how it feels for me, but that's the plan right now.**

**Can't say thank you enough for all of your support and love for Beastward : ) **


	21. Alive

**Edward**

I continued around to the front, keeping my eyes closely on the car. I could see the shape of the driver just sitting in the front seat, but they didn't make a move to get out. I ran my fingers through my hair and narrowed my eyes at my visitor as I came to stand in front of his car.

"Can I help you?" I asked, loud enough for them to hear me. The person in the car cocked their head to the side. "Hey!" I screamed.

The door finally opened and a younger guy stepped out. He didn't look familiar to me, but I didn't like him already.

"Who the fuck are you?" I asked.

He took a few steps towards me and started kicking at the stones in the driveway. "Do you really think she...loves you?"

"Excuse me?"

"I mean...look at you. How the Prince has fallen..." He laughed. "I mean do you honestly think she'll choose you over me?"

_She? Bella?_ I shook my head. "Listen, I don't know what the hell you're talking about but you need to get the fuck off of my property."

"Not until I've finished my business."

I took a few steps towards him, feeling pissed off and possessive. "And what business is that?"

"Protecting what's mine."

I jumped backward as he swung his fist at me. I stumbled over my own feet and crashed to the ground, wincing as the stones cut into my back and hands.

He was on me in an instant, pounding his fists into my face as I struggled against him. I tried to get him the hell off of me, but his weight on my chest was so heavy that it was almost impossible.

I growled and threw all of my body towards his, fighting against his punches. I pushed his chest back and landed on top of him, struggling to hold his aggression back.

I felt the blood trickling down my face and I closed my eyes, shaking away the memory of my parents' murder. Blood. It was always the blood.

I felt a painful knee to my ribs and staggered back, stumbling to try and stand up straight. He laughed again and lunged at me again, hitting me square in the stomach. We both fell back, hitting the front of his car with a loud thud.

A sharp pain shot through my skull as it slammed against the hood. I forced myself up again, only to be thrown down to the ground. I landed flat on my stomach and felt a hard shove to my back as I tried to get up.

Tires screeched onto the pavement as I struggled against his the pressure of his foot.

"Edward!" Bella screamed. _God, no. Please don't let her be here. Please let this be a dream. _"Alec!" She shrieked. "Stop!"

There was a commotion above me and suddenly his weight was gone. I winced as I rolled over and tried to catch my breath. Bella screamed as she held onto Alec's back, pulling at his hair and hitting him.

I tried to scream her name, but nothing came out. Alec yelled and grabbed her tiny frame, hoisting it off his body. She fell hard to the ground and rolled away from him.

I scrambled to my feet and darted towards her. I only saw her.

"Bella?" I whispered. I touched her lightly, rolling her over to her back. There was a cut on her head that was already starting to bleed a little. I ran my fingers across her flesh, tender and soft. Her eyes fluttered open as the tears started to fall from her cheeks. She winced in pain as she reached for me.

Something clicked behind us and I shot to my feet. Alec was standing a few feet from us; his legs shoulder width apart as he watched. The click sounded again and again and I realized he was holding a switchblade in his hand, clicking the blade in and out.

"This ends now," he said.

I needed to protect her. All I could think about was him hurting her and it made my stomach turn. My chest ached, burning deep beneath my ribcage as I stood before him. I wanted to use it. That fire. I wanted to use it to destroy him.

I ran towards him, keeping an eye on the blade in his hand. He seemed a little surprised by my sudden attack and didn't have time to raise his arm before I hit him. The blade fell to the ground as I forced him back against the side of his car. He was stunned for a moment as his head lolled back on the window. I took the opportunity to reach down and grab the knife, only for my own protection. And hers. I could still hear her sobbing behind me and I wanted nothing more than to go and fucking comfort her, but I couldn't. I had to make sure he wouldn't hurt us. Ever again.

I held the knife up to his throat, barely grazing his skin. It was strange; I thought this would feel good. I was saving our lives. He obviously didn't give a shit about my life or ruining hers. I should want...to kill him for what he was trying to do. But for some reason I didn't. I had no hate, no urge to end his life. I didn't even want to hurt him. I just wanted him to leave and never come back, never hurt us again. That was all I wanted.

"Get. Out," I growled. I dropped the knife to the ground and stepped back.

"Edward?" Bella called softly.

I sighed and turned around. I tried to calm the ache in my chest as I watched her struggle to sit up. She looked relieved. Like maybe this was all over. And then everything changed. Her eyes went wide as a piercing scream slipped through her lips.

I barely felt it, the knife slicing through my skin. No pain, just pressure. Right in my lower back. Alec screamed and forced it deeper as I fell to my knees. I blinked, trying to sort through my thoughts. He stabbed me. I was bleeding. And I felt nothing. Except for her.

Alec huffed and stepped in front of me. His hands were smudged with a small amount of blood, but void of the blade. It was only then that I realized it was still in me. I tried to turn and twist my body, but that's when I felt it. The pain. It hit me like a brick wall, shooting through my entire body. Almost like someone stuck a hot poker against my skin, but no matter how much I screamed or protested they kept it there. Burning, stinging. Pain.

I fell forward onto my palms as I felt the blood drain from my body. I chanced one last look up. I just had to see her. One last time, if that was all I was given. I was met with him instead.

"I always win," he said clenching his teeth together. He pulled at the sleeves of his shirt again like he was fixing to hit me again. I barely noticed. Everything was starting to blur around the edges, almost like I was drunk. The world was spinning around me and I was powerless to stop it. So I let it spin.

The last thing I remember before everything went black, except for the fiery hate burning behind his eyes, was her. And just before he hit me that last time, I smiled. I fucking smiled. I was at peace. For the first time in seven years I felt a stillness settle within me.

I glanced behind him and pleaded with her to leave it alone. I was okay with dying for her if that's what this was. She saw past all my indiscretions, all my scars and my demons. And she loved me. God, she loved me. If that was all I knew of love in my entire life it was more than enough. I didn't deserve it and I never asked for it. It's funny how things find you when you need to be found. I was so fucking lost and she saved me.

"Edward!" She screamed. I closed my eyes as she started towards us but it was too late.

"I love you Bella," I whispered. The last blow hit right below my eye and that was it. I was lost again to the darkness.

I always heard when you died, your entire life flashed before your eyes. Luckily for me, it wasn't true. I saw what could have been, what I should have had with Bella.

A bright light blinded me for a moment. When I opened my eyes again, I was warm and comfortable, lying in the grass of the gardens behind the house. The sun was high in the sky, but the breeze was cool against my skin.

A high-pitched laugh sounded behind me and I cocked my head to the side, trying to see where it was coming from. My eyes widened as a young boy, probably around three, stumbled toward me with a large grin on his face.

"Daddy!" He screamed, lunging towards me.

I was in complete shock. I knew I'd never seen this little boy before in my life, but I knew in an instant that he was my son. And it scared the shit out of me.

He finally reached me and jumped onto my stomach. I winced as his knee dug into my ribs and reached up to shift him over.

"Hey…buddy." I settled him on my chest as I watched him. I'd never seen anything so astonishing. And I'd made him. He was mine. I wasn't used to creating something so beautiful. He had my mother's deep eyes and Bella's dark hair, but that smile was completely like mine.

Even this strange, unfamiliar situation seemed shockingly natural to me. I'd never wanted kids, not just because I never thought someone would want me to be, but I was too scared I would fuck them up like I was. I knew the instant I saw his face that nothing could be farther from the truth.

"Where's Mommy?" I asked. I wanted to see her. I wanted to see Bella.

The little boy whipped his head around and pointed out to the roses. I sat up and put my arms around him as I lifted his both up from the ground. He crawled up and around to my back, like it was something we always did. And somehow I knew deep down in my heart that we did.

My breath hitched in my throat when I saw her. The wind was blowing her flowing white dress around her body, clinging tightly to her swollen belly as she sauntered up and down the aisles of flowers. She reached out and plucked a deep red rose and held it to her lips.

I started towards her, anxious to hold her again. The boy bounced happily on my back as we reached her. She turned towards us with a smile.

"There you are. I was afraid I'd lost you," she whispered. Her voice hinted on sadness and somehow I felt like she knew what this was. That it wasn't real.

"Down," the boy said. I laughed and bent down so he could hop off my back. He started running through the rows of flowers.

I reached out for her, running my hand over her belly before enveloping her waist and pulling her towards me. And I was complete.

"Am I dead?" I asked.

"Not yet," she said against my chest.

"Can I stay here with you?"

"No," she said. She pulled back and leaned up to kiss me.

"How do I…" I trailed off. I was never one to believe in Heaven, but if it existed this was it for me. I didn't want to leave.

She pressed her fingers against my lips, silencing my words. "Go back, Edward. I can't…miss you like this. And you can't miss this. You deserve to live." She reached out and put my hand on her belly.

"I don't know how," I whispered, my voice cracking. The tears prickled behind my eyes as I felt myself fading away. My fingers and toes started to tingle and go numb, almost like they were disappearing all together. I was disappearing. I looked at her with sheer panic as I slipped away. "Help me."

"Follow my voice," she said. "Hold onto my voice, Edward." I started feeling dizzy as the world darkened around me, almost like it was closing in on me. Something shot through my body as it enveloped me completely. I told myself to breathe. And to listen. Listen for her.

"Edward!" Bella's voice shot through the darkness like an arrow. It was different from before. She was terrified.

I tried to call out to her, but I couldn't.

"Edward, come back to me! Please!" She sobbed. Something soft and wet hit my face as another jolt coursed through me. My eyes shot open and I was back in the driveway, looking up at her. I blinked slowly as I took in everything.

There were two EMTs standing above me, one holding a defibrillator as they shouted instructions back and forth. I struggled to arch my neck and look behind me. There was a white sheet covering something a few feet away from us. Charlie was standing over it, looking in our direction with concern. There were several police cars in the driveway, their lights washing over the landscape. Two ambulances were parked behind them.

I glanced back at Bella, still unable to sleep. A small smile spread across her face as she caressed my cheek. The tears fell freely from her eyes as she reached for my hand.

"We need to get him to a hospital; he's lost a lot of blood. Thought we lost him there for a minute. Good thing we got here when we did." one of the men said.

"He's a lucky guy," the other said. He turned to Bella. "We were able to slow the bleeding from the stab wound. He's pretty beaten up, Miss Swan. Would you like to accompany us to the hospital?"

"Yes," Bella said.

I winced as they slid a body board underneath me and hoisted me up onto the cart. Bella held onto me the whole way as we started towards the ambulance.

"You're going to be okay, Edward. I'm right here." She leaned down and kissed my forehead.

In spite of the pain, I sighed in relief. Everything was okay. Sure I got stuck like a fucking pig and had some pretty strange out of body experience that I'd never tell anyone else about, but I was here. Bella was here. We were okay. And in more ways than having a fucking heartbeat, I was alive.

* * *

**A/N: FYI this was the last regular chapter. I have one epi planned : )**

**Thanks to everyone who read, reviewed and supported me in this story. It was an absolute joy to write and I hope you enjoyed it.**

**I was thinking about possibly doing a Twitter watchalong of Beauty and the Beast so please follow me on Twitter and look for news in the epi chapter on when this will take place. :) **


	22. Epilogue: Happily Ever After

**Edward**

"Moh," he squeaked. My attention was focused outside. Past the curtains, through the windows of the small sitting room we'd just finished renovating. There were several small groups of people outside, chatting with each other and sipping on champagne. I was hiding inside. Baby steps.

I wanted this. I told her this was okay. I did it to make her happy because I knew that she needed something for her. This was something for her.

Jasper had worked overtime to make sure the gardens looked extra beautiful for our opening weekend. None of us knew the right way to run a bed and breakfast, but the crowd seemed to be interested so that was a good sign.

"Moh Wucky Charms, Daddy." Christopher poked my chest, pulling me away from my thoughts.

"More?" I raised my eyebrows. "You already ate half of the box."

"Moh." He smiled and nodded his head as he held out his bowl.

"Your mother is going to kill me when you shit rainbows later." I shook my head and poured some more from the box before taking a few handfuls for myself. "Don't tell her I said that."

"What?" He stuck a red balloon in his mouth.

"Shit."

"Shit?" He cocked his head to the side.

"Yeah that. Don't say that word." I ran my fingers through his hair and smiled.

I never thought I'd be a dad. I never wanted to be a dad. I didn't want to put my kids through the hell that I was living in. Didn't want them to get teased at school for having the dad with the fucked up face. But here I was. A toddler and another on the way.

It was strange, seeing how much like me he was. Not incredibly talkative, a little cocky. Not interested in the crowd. Bella had toted him around for close to a half hour before she brought him in here with me because he was throwing a fit.

"Throws a tantrum just like his daddy," she had said with a wink.

She liked to use that word just to push my buttons. I hadn't had a "tantrum" in awhile. Even my tantrums weren't what they used to be. I would never say I was perfect. Never. But to say she made me a new person would be an understatement. She tamed the beast. And somehow I ended up with the beauty.

I glanced outside again, trying to find her in the crowd. I spotted a splash of her white dress here and there, but never fully saw her. Charlie passed by the window and looked inside, smiling and waving to Christopher.

"Poppa!" He waved back. "Go!" He pointed out the window.

"You want to go see Poppa?" I asked. He nodded. "Alright. I guess I should make an appearance." I grumbled as I sat up, pulling him up with me. He settled over my shoulder as he continued to chomp away at his cereal.

Bella had done such a great job with the house. I knew that my mother would have been thrilled to see it looking so light and beautiful. It'd taken us a long time to get here, especially with her pregnancy and looking after Christopher, but Jasper was always there to help. Alice even ended up moving out into his house with him and he was happier than ever. It was like we had our own little world out here again. Except it wasn't as restricting and suffocating as it was before. It was home.

I paused just as I reached the back door and took a deep breath before I stepped outside. A few eyes glanced my way and smiled nervously. They weren't used to seeing me this close. I'd gone into town a lot more often than I used to, but I still wasn't overly social.

"Poppa!" Christopher pointed towards Charlie and we started over there. "Poppa!"

"Hello, Christopher," Charlie said. Christopher handed him a purple horseshoe.

"Yum," Christopher hummed.

"The place looks fantastic, Edward. It really does," Charlie said. "I never thought I'd see you here."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"When you were a kid, I was sure you were going to end up in prison or dead. Now look at you. You have a beautiful house, beautiful son…you married my daughter."

"I did ask your permission before I asked her."

"Bout gave me a heart attack. Edward Cullen showing up at my door with an engagement ring."

"I wanted to do it right, Charlie. I was never one for getting things right, but it was important because she's important to me."

"You don't have to prove that to me now, son." He laughed. "I did say yes, didn't I?"

"You did."

"Hey Dad." Bella sauntered over and wrapped her arm around my waist. "What do you think?"

"I think I'm very proud of you guys."

"Thanks." She squeezed me tighter. "How you doing, babe?" She turned to me and smiled.

"I'm okay."

"Good. Everyone's so excited about the opening. That lady over there," she said, pointing across the patio. "She's from a travel magazine. They're going to do a feature on the hidden treasures of the Pacific Northwest. If we impress her enough, maybe we'll make it in." She put her hand over her belly and smiled. It was barely noticeable that she was pregnant, but she had the smallest bump at her waistline. It was sexy as hell. I didn't think it was possible for her to be more beautiful, but the image her carrying my child was…Fuck.

I shook my head and bit my lip, trying to hide a smirk.

Bella popped up onto her tiptoes and whispered in my ear. "What's going on in that head of yours?"

"I'll tell you later." I laughed and kissed her. "I'm going to go visit my parents."

"Are you okay?" She asked. I nodded. "Are you sure?"

"I'm fine. Go do your….hostess thing. You're so good at it." I waved to her and started towards the forest. Jasper started gathering the group together for a tour of the gardens as I passed by.

Christopher had caught up to me before I even made it out of the immediate yard. There it was again. The need to get away from the crowds. Bella said that he and I were kindred spirits, whatever the hell that meant. Closer than any other father and son. Like a piece of my soul had broken off when he was born and was a part of him.

I hauled him onto my shoulders once we reached the woods so he wouldn't get dirty. We were silent the entire walk, except for a few stray hums from the little guy resting on my shoulders. He absentmindedly played with my hair as we continued onto the meadow.

I smiled as we reached it and set him down so he could play in the grass. Bella and I were married here, just like my parents were. We placed a stone bench next to their gravestone, right beneath one of the large billowy trees. A small inscription was put on the top in celebration of the day with our names and my parents' names. This was always a place of beauty to me, but it also held a tinge of sadness. Now it was filled with hope and remembrance. I found myself coming out here more, even more than I had before. Bella and I had frequent picnics out here when the weather was nice and Christopher loved the openness and the fresh air. It was like our own little slice of heaven. Right here.

"Hi Grandpa, hi Grandma." Christopher waved and pulled one of his little trucks out of his pocket before he plopped down on the ground and started playing with it.

I ambled over to the bench and took a seat as I watched him.

"Daddy, come play with me!" He screamed.

"Okay." I sighed and went to join him. "What are we playing?"

"Cars."

"Cars. Okay."

He pulled another toy car out of his pocket. "You can be da truck, because you're da daddy." He handed it to me.

"Thanks for the tip."

We played cars in the dirt, in the grass, over the tree roots and about everywhere else you could imagine before he completely passed out. If I had learned one thing about kids it was that they had more energy than anyone you'd ever see, but could nap just the same.

I laid down beside him and pulled him onto my chest as I rested my arm behind my head.

"I love you, Bud," I said.

"I wuv you too, Daddy," he said, half asleep.

"Good." I patted his head and closed my eyes.

I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep until I heard Bella's voice.

I'd grown used to sleeping without any nightmares at all, even though I didn't want to. I was always prepared for them to come back. I tried to let everything go completely, but there was a part somewhere in my head or my heart that was still hanging on to that one small piece of what my life used to be. My therapist said that its normal to have a hard time completely letting go and that I shouldn't push myself so I guess it was okay.

"I leave you two alone for one afternoon and you end up napping the whole time," she said.

I opened my eyes and squinted into the sunlight. It was seeping through the trees just enough to wash over my face, but it was obviously later in the day. We'd probably missed the whole party.

"I was tired…" I stretched my arms above me, careful not to wake Christopher.

"You slept until almost noon, how are you tired?" She put her hands on her hips.

"Because my beautiful wife kept me occupied all night." I cocked my eyebrow and sat up. She held out her hand to help me up as I held Christopher close to me. The kid could sleep through anything.

"How's everyone back at the house?" I asked. We started towards the traill again as we made our way back to the house.

"Good. They're all getting settled in their rooms. Alice and I were just getting ready to make dinner."

When we got back to the house, the yard was empty, except for Jasper doing some work out in the gardens. Alice was already in the kitchen, starting to work on dinner.

I took Christopher upstairs to get him cleaned up for dinner while Bella started helping Alice. By the time we got back downstairs, our small group of guests were already there. The older couple offered to help with dinner and Bella reluctantly agreed, saying that it was part of their stay to receive home cooked dinners.

Jasper and I helped carry everything to the table and I sat down between Christopher and Bella.

"I'd just like to say something, before we start," Bella said. "It's been…an incredibly long journey to this and I just want to say thank you for sharing this with us. It's an honor and we're so excited to start this new chapter of our lives."

"Cheers." Everyone raised their glasses and we started dinner.

The older gentlemen sitting next to Christopher nodded my way. "Edward, I knew your father. He was a very respectable guy."

"Thank you, Sir."

"I'm so glad you decided to open this place up. I always thought it was an extraordinarily beautiful house."

"Thank you." I nodded and added a quick smile before I went back to my meal. I helped Christopher with his food, since I knew Bella was probably exhausted from the long day she had. When everyone was finished, I took him to the library so he could practice his piano before bed.

I took him to his room when he was done and got him ready for bed. As I tucked him in, he looked up at me and reached out for my face. I always tensed up when he did that, waiting for the day when he was going to ask. I knew he wondered why my face was different, why it wasn't like Mommy's or Poppa's.

"Daddy, what happened to your face?" He ran his fingers along my scars, just like Bella did.

I took a few deep breaths. "A very bad man hurt Daddy. But he's gone now." I wasn't prepared to go into the details about my attack because he wasn't old enough for that shit. I wanted to protect him from it as long as I could. I didn't want my son to know of the evil that existed in the world.

"I'm sorry, Daddy." He turned on his side without another word and without any fear.

"It's okay, Bud. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I turned his light off and closed the door before heading back down to our room. The rest of the house was quiet, so I assumed everyone else had gone to bed early.

I opened the door to our room and stepped inside.

"Bella?" I called.

"In the bathroom!" I followed the sound of the sink and found her brushing her teeth.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey. Is he all set?"

"Yeah." I pulled my shirt over my head and stepped behind her. I brushed her hair over her shoulder and buried my face into her neck, kissing and nuzzling her skin. "He asked me about my scars."

She tensed. "What did you say?"

"I told him the truth. The watered down version anyway."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah and he wasn't scared."

"Of course he wasn't. You're his father, Edward. He loves you unconditionally. Even if you had three chins, you would still be his hero."

I kissed her neck. "I guess I'm just still not used to being the hero in the story." I reached down over her slightly swollen belly and rubbed lightly before heading lower.

"You were always my hero," she whispered.

I lifted the hem of her skirt up as I made my way up her thigh and towards her center. She fell forward and caught herself on the vanity as she stared at me in the mirror.

"We have guests," she said softly.

"This is still my house." I brushed my finger over her underwear, working my way up the seam until I got to the waistband.

I slipped them inside and immediately pulled her underwear down towards her knees.

Her head lolled back, allowing her hair to brush lightly over my chest. I ran my fingers through it and wrapped my fingers around it. I tugged gently and she whimpered as her eyes fluttered shut.

She turned her head towards me, searching for my lips. I kissed her, pushing my tongue between her lips to find hers. She moaned into my mouth as her hands reached blindly behind her for me.

I let go of her for a moment and quickly undid my pants before pushing them and my boxers to the floor. I forced my body flush with hers. My dick was trapped between us, hard and begging for attention.

She leaned over the counter slightly and looked back at me over her shoulder as her hair fell back across her face.

"It's still your house." She cocked her eyebrow.

I grabbed her hip and angled my hips to meet her. I growled as I inched myself inside her before pulling out and plunging back in.

She moaned and reached out to the mirror, flattening her palm against it for support.

I kissed her shoulder as I moved faster, harder.

"Shit. Baby, don't stop," she whimpered.

I stared at her in the mirror as I reached forward and placed my hand over hers on the glass. I growled as I slinked my other hand around to her front and massaged her, sending her closer and closer to her release.

I closed my eyes as I pounded into her, feeling my stomach tighten more and more with each passing moment. It didn't matter if we were making love or just fucking for the hell of it. It was never boring, never dull. Being with her was always the most erotic experience. Mind, body and soul.

I cried out as I buried myself deep inside her. My forehead fell to her shoulder as my shoulders heaved up and down.

She looked up and me and smiled as she tried to catch her breath. "God, I hope we're never too old to do that."

I laughed and kissed her. I slowly pulled away from her and grabbed my clothes off the floor. I threw them in the hamper, cleaned myself up and pulled on some pajamas.

Bella joined me in bed a few minutes later, pulling the covers up around her with a large grin on her face. She brought her damn lotion with her and sat up in bed, slathering it on her legs.

I watched her and smirked at the blush that was starting to creep up to her cheeks.

"What?" She said softly, refusing to look at me.

"Nothing. Just watching you."

"Oh, I see." She shook her head and set her lotion on the nightstand. "And what do you think?"

"I think I'm a lucky bastard."

"I won't argue with that." She snuggled down into bed.

"I'm serious, Bella. I know that 'happily ever after' crap is completely bullshit, but…"

"Who says it's bullshit?"

"Those fairytales are just stories, honey. And plus did you ever read the original Grimm stories? They were twisted as fuck."

"That didn't mean that they weren't fairytales." She shrugged. "And fuck em. Happily ever after doesn't mean there isn't bad shit in between."

"What does it mean then?"

"I think it means that you're willing to accept the bad shit and keep living your life, Edward. Be thankful for what you have. We got our happily ever after. Don't ever doubt that just because of some story."

"Does this mean we get our own Disney movie?"

"I hope so." She leaned over and kissed me. "Goodnight, I love you."

"Goodnight, I love you." I smiled and closed my eyes. Happily ever fucking after. Consider it done.

My scars would never go away. They would be a constant reminder of my past. I used to look at that as a bad thing, but not any more. It's no longer a painful souvenir of what I'd lost. It showed me how far I'd come. And man, it was one hell of a story.

I no longer felt like a monster. I was a husband. I was a father. I was a survivor. And most of all I was a man. Plain and simple.

* * *

***Cue Mrs. Potts singing* and *cut out to stained glass window* : )**

**So Love Like Winter is finished! For anyone who has read my other stories, you know I don't usually go with a typical epi and while I think this was far from typical it was one of the most normal ones I've had. I figured after everything Edward had been through that he deserved a little bit of normal.**

**I hope you enjoyed the story. I thoroughly enjoyed writing it, it was one of my favorites. **

**We started accepting entries for a new historical one shot contest today. So give us the best you've got before 2000! Link for the Time Warp Contest is on my profile.**

**I'll also be doing a fundraiser during October for Breast Cancer Awareness. The link to the blog with information about the compilation is on my profile.**

**If you haven't read it already, there is a very important announcement on my central hub blog regarding my writing. **

**Thank you guys so much for supporting our Beastward and his Lucky Charms! : )**


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